Home again

I am a talkative person in my blog entries. I have tendencies to make a novel out of the pettiest events and details in my life. However, my last attempt for a blog entry was during the 1^st week of October. I was not surprised to see that the only word in the document was a title. It was a wordless, plain, blank page.

Things that usually keep me from writing are the busy school life, my inability to put into words the complexity of my thoughts, feelings and situation and my own will not to do so.

 This is the pain in every writer’s heart. To be unable to do what my heart and hand ached to do. To experience grief and regret over days I was not able to take account of. And to realize that my craft along with my blog is starting to rust.

 But joy lies at the realization of what the silence online has brought me: A writer who has learned more to speak to others what was always unspoken. A writer who has realized how things are not always written because they are understood and analyzed.A writer who was equipped with the desire to restore the “write” commitment. A writer who rejoices for the triumph of a blog attempt. And a writer who celebrates for being home again.

The Grateful Pair

The eyes that see the ocean of wrongs

The vast sky of sorrows

The radiant sun of rage

The entire land of barrenness

Are but the impaired ones

 

That, which see that wrongs are but islets

Sorrows but few birds in mid-air

Rage but a ray

Barrenness but a yard

Are but the grateful pair

***Busy daysssssssss make me this speechLESS. Haha :)

Healthy Yesses! (Late post)

I’ve recently heard from a professor the term “Healthy No’s”. The term amused me and at the same time marked in my mind since I am the type of person needing intensive classes in the subject “The Art of Saying No”.

This art, even more, is indeed necessary these busy, end-of-first-sem days. Healthy No’s are in demand for invitations from friends that can one way or another hamper your set timeline or goals in finishing things.

I, the very person who has a great difficulty in saying no, also have the sternest self-imposed plan for this week: do all that you can do.

 

However, things did no turn out how I wanted them to. Things turned out as He willed.

Last Wednesday, I was sure of A NO, about the invitation of my Mami and Sisther, for an overnight bonding and fellowship in Mami’shouse. I knew I needed to do my laundry (a huge pile of clothes were waiting on me) and I had a report to focus on.

However, my moody, easily-swayed-self, from a No- Yes – No – answer, ended up with a Yes. There was a great battle in my mind. My Mami and Sistherdid not persuade me to really accept the invitation, yet I was led by circumstances to go with them.

It when I was in the jeepneywith them, going to the house when I finally told myself: this then ended up as a healthy yes!

We are deeply blessed to be gifted by the Lord with friends and sisters-in-Christ who replenish our joy and remind us of the truly important things outside school.

I was reminded that an important subject of my life I am forgetting to focus on is the improvement of my inter-personal skills/ my relationship with other people. In our sharing, my Mami and Sithertalked about their interest in knowing others deeper. I thought that I too, desired that interest in personally knowing my classmates since I turned out to be one of the Top 10 mysterious students in the class that most wanted to get to know more.

I know, it can be my design to be thereserved type. However, I also see the desire in me to reach out to others in order to reach them more for Jesus. I am continuing to really see that our relationships with people matter a lot since no truer impact can be made unless we’ve gained intimacy with their hearts.

It brushed off my mind filled with academic things--- and let me ponder on the things of eternal significance.

Moreover, another healthy yes was made today. In the same manner with my first yes, I arrived at it with the initial NO in my mind.

He continues to let me learn how He always knows better than my plans.

 

I realized how healthy the yes I’ve made today to go at Wild Sons Youth Service with Mami, Sisther, and Sismatebecause of the joy and learning it has brought me and even more---- I took hold of that moment when I longed for His presence ­more than I longed to finish my requirements. Again, my being academic-centred is being broken, to be continually reminded of things of eternal significance, to be reminded of truly important things and to be reminded of being God-centered. Hooray and thank God for the healthy yesses! :)

WE can

This is both in my attempt to keep my blog account and writing from rusting. Pardon the “disorganization” of ideas. The writer is in the state of adjustment from being AWOL in her craft.

 

The best solution for a person who solely trusts his feeble, limited self is to give up.

And these past few days, weeks, my motto in life was: Give up.

 

I was brought to a chapter in my life wherein I fully understood what it meant when people say they don’t understand a thing in what’s happening in their lives.

Trust was not tangible for me, neither to grope for a Word from Him, for not only I, but even my devotion life was being repaired.

 

Times like these when you don’t have the will to do right and perform the best, when no strength from within you empowers you to strive, when all means within you-heart, mind, body are exhausted to no avail---- He shouts “It is I, Here am I” and you are no longer deaf not to hear it.

 

Self-sufficiency makes you deaf of His plea for true dependence on Him. It is only when you realize you can do absolutely nothing, you can truly rely on His saving, enabling power.

 

The Lord gave me the shortest, most striking message, that over again, resounds my ear. “It is I, Here am I.”

 

“It is I who will do the change in you, It is I who will save you from the things you can never save yourself from. It is I who is in control of your situation and life. Here am I, I am at work. Here am I, watching over you. It is I—who will be your strength, wisdom, encouragement, joy, love, and peace. It is I, your Everything. Here am I.”

But to know that He shouts “It is I” and to be fully aware that you can do nothing on your own should not equate to self-depreciation. It instead renews our minds of His promises and the beauty of a God-handled life; and it also reaffirms our worth and significance as victorious, favoured conquerors of the King.

And when He continually says “It is I”, I responded to Him that “Lord, WE can do this…”

I have HEARD and KNOWN these things perfectly well before. But these days, the greatest privilege I have as His child is to concretely behold these like a newfound treasure--- which I could perceive in thoughts but never caress with my own hands.

 

Indeed, He lets me believe in my heart, that I am becoming more and more like Him. I am knowing Him like never before. I am experiencing Him like never before. My relationship with Him is being transformed like never before!

 

Isaiah 52:6 “Therefore, my people shall know my name. Therefore, in that day they shall know that it is I who speak, here am I.”

“…while He has chosen a feeble instrument to perform a great task, He will, from the boundless stores of His providence supply the inadequacy of the means to the end. It is the Rock of Ages [you are asked] to lean on: do not doubt it will bear the weight of your human weakness.” p.398. Charlotte Bronte- Jane Eyre.

Picture… Perfect

 I should be writing about Psalmie---  my netbook buddy.

The explanation of its name, the apology I want to render it and the gratefulness I have for it--- were all but eclipsed by something that demands my attention at the moment.

I was surprised at how my unconscious actions betrayed concealment. Above is a picture… perfect to paint the nature of my present world.

 

Epiphany:

I am straying from my Main Topic.

Reason is slowly losing its hold on me, I am drawn to the currents of an unruly heart.

 

An object to pin my sight and hopes on, dims the sole Apple of my eyes.

So easily, unthinkingly, and hurriedly we equate happiness with fleeting things…

 

Why such, waits to leave and pain us still.

Ravenous

My being ravenous this morning was not for my dear food or sweets.

The word ravenous appeared in my journal in these sentences: “I, too, am RAVENOUS for Your word Jesus”and “I’m so RAVENOUS Lord… You gave me so much of Your message.”

The food given to me was "so much that I got to give it away; so much that I could not contain it."

So here’s to His generosity: may you too enjoy the God-breathed nourishment!

 

Meal: Isaiah 51

 

Appetizer:

The beauty in looking back

Look to where you have been rescued… You will see how He called you to bless you. (vv.1-2)

Revelation

“but My salvation will be forever, and My righteousness will never be dismayed.” (v.8)

            Who said that salvation ends when we have accepted Him as our Lord and Savior? Salvation is forever, because from the day you let Him inside your heart, He will continually, eternally, save you from your problems, sins and self.

            What is it to us to know that ours is a righteous God? Righteous means blameless and someone who cannot be mistaken:it means that He is a God who can never be mistaken in everything He allows to happen in His children’s lives!

 

Main Cuisine:

When I’m tempted…

 

When I’m tempted to look at man for security and comfort,You gave me Your Word:

“I, I am He who comforts you;” (v.12)

 

When I’m tempted to soak myself into busyness and dwell on the impossibility of tasks,You gave me Your Word:

“You..have forgotten the Lord, your Maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth” (v.13)

 

When I’m tempted to “fear continually all the day” You gave me Your Word:

“I have covered you in the shadows of my hand, establishing the heavens, and laying the foundations of the earth, and saying… ‘You are my people.’ (v.16)

 

When I’m tempted to think that nothing’s happening and You seem passive about everything, You gave me Your Word:

“Your God… pleads the cause of His people” (v.22)

 

When I’m tempted to think that my situation will always be like before, You gave me Your Word:

“Behold, I have taken from your hand the cup of staggering… and I will put it into the hand of your tormentors.” (v.22)

 

Lastly, the dessert:

 

Joy, joy, joy, joy, joy, joy, joy

 “And the ransomed of the Lord shall return and come to Zion with singing, everlasting joy shall be upon their heads; they shall obtain gladness and joy, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.” (v.11)

Eternal joy is yours, child of God!

 

Surely He will grant a ravenous soul more than what it could take or imagine!I got a good kind of earful and ‘stomachful’ with Jesus’ Words for me today.

Reader, I hope you did too! 

 

 

For the time being

Now, my heart speaks.

 

I saw and recognize you in the faintest of light.

Your features were dearly known to my memory,

And have registered alarm in my heart upon any sight of it.

 

How farther than the moon you seemed

Among the strangers before you, I was one.

 

Stare.

No I was but the air.

Words.

No nothing was spoken.

 

Silence and inaction were the active weapons

To crush me within

-emooomo!

----

Jane Eyre, the present object of my admiration and endearment in thoughts and in character (of course in the brilliant narration and depiction of Charlotte Bronte) has beautifully put into words what my heart was in dire need of.

“It is madness in all women to let a secret love kindle within them, which if unreturned and unknown, must devour the life that feeds it.” (Bronte C., 1847)

“don’t make him the object of your fine feelings, your raptures, agonies and so forth… be too self-respecting to lavish the love of the whole heart, soul and strength, where such a gift is not wanted and would be despised.” (Bronte C., 1847)

 

First, I DISOWN the idea that I am inlove. I am not. In fact, I only know now of God’s love and my love for family and friends. Love, (romantic to be particular) to me, is too complex, indefinite at the moment. I don’t bother deciphering it now.

Second, the word “Love” in Bronte’s words can be replaced by the word “Liking” to best suit the need of my heart.

Third, the emooo poem, may have spoken it all. For the time being, heartache looms before me.

Fourth, I am in awe how these heartbreak issues toughen the maturity of my heart, deepen His role as to solely satisfy my soul, and draw me closest to His love.

 

Lastly, whatever this is, it’s only for the time being.

*The posting of this entry pushed through because the heart ache was raised to the 2^nd power....today... for the time being.

You. You. Miserable without You.

Sigh

Rant

Blurt Out

Cry

The pressure is around me, within me, all over me, overwhelming my being.

All negatives spring out from a soul that has not met its Peace and Security first thing in the morning.

To begin the day without You is to begin the worst day.

Everything is shaky, much more frustrating and hopeless when I have disconnected myself from OUR world.

All negative things fill me, my heart and my head, when I have not surrendered my day to You.

Daddy, Your child is just miserable without You.

I'm at a loss for words. 

Away from these things. To You I run again. 

*Click log out, Sign out, Hibernate

Amazing! ♥

It’s amazing how I’m starting to redeem industry and love for the things that I do.

It’s amazing how people manage to work and concentrate under pressure.

It’s amazing how cramming (though negative) can be optimized to bring out the creative juices within us!

It’s amazing how my classmates manage to “chillax” and have fun despite the overwhelming requirements.

It’s amazing how my always-freaking-out heart and mind learns how to calm down.

It’s amazing how contagious the joy of my friends are, that I’m starting to think that I already am a melancholic-turned-sanguine!

 

It’s amazing when He lets you see how He orchestrates the events of your life.

It’s amazing when He lets you witness the changes He is working in you!

It’s amazing when all the things you worried about and feared of a day before or hours earlier were trashed at the relief of how wonderfully the day ended!

It’s amazing when you ponder that everything you have done, said or thought today, He has favoured and blessed!

 

It’s amazing that the Lord comforts us with concrete expression of His love and power through the simplest ways!

And it’s amazing that I’m learning how to find time to do the thing that recharges me inspires me and keeps me---writing.

 

My ever-favorite from Caedmon’s Hymn:Truly, He… established the beginning of every wonder! Amazing! ♥

 

50 Books Ahead

I, a future English teacher, have a number of confessions to make:

1.)    I deserve the title Abbie, Duchess of Sleepyland

2.)    I can be nominated The World’s Laziest Person.

3.)    I detest teachers who are not passionate in what they do; those who teach simply to earn a living.

And brace yourself for the worst one:

4.)   I DID NOT STUDY FOR A MIDTERM EXAM a while ago.

My realization about my third confession is a slap on my face. Who am I to detest a teacher who’s not passionately teaching when I AM a student who’s not passionately studying? It boils down to taking the log off my own eyes before I pinpoint the speck in others’ eyes. Even more, RESPECT for every teacher should always prevail.

Looking at my four confessions, it is very evident that my study habits are at its worst these days. The reconstruction I was trying to achieve came to a halt. The Christian student, doing everything for His glory, is nowhere to be found.

Being the Abbie that I am, I would always ask myself “Why is this happening to me?” My whole world of idealism for a perfect student and a perfect example as a future teacher is RUINED.

Or so I’d thought.

As I try to ponder, experiencing these failures and struggles as a student are my stepping stones to fully relate with and help my students. Where could I ever get the expertise in giving effective advice in dealing with sloth and laziness unless I have gone through those things myself?

And that’s one thing I really anticipate. I’m excited to be able to deal with these recurring student syndromes and be of help to my students (or even to other people) in the future.

I’ll end with what I heard a while ago from a passionate teacher who inspires our class: 50 books ahead. We are to be 20 or 50 books ahead from our students. However, this doesn’t literally mean we must be able to read 50 books more than they have (well it could be great if that’s really the case). This could mean that we are ahead in the experiences and learning we’ll have.

In my case, I want to be 50 books ahead in SUCCESSFULLY dealing with sloth, laziness and other student syndromes to be as what Howard Hendricks said a “running stream than a stagnant pool” to my future students.

Lover of Words

Last week, through a love language test, I have confirmed that my love language is words of affirmation. Second are: quality time and touch.

Well, I used the word “confirmed” since I, together with some close friends, really assumed that it was my love language even without the test.

My love for words has grown deeper since I started blogging. It has even heightened because ofsocial networking sites like facebook, twitter and tumblr where I, too, have fallen inlove with cool, relatable and moving posts and tweets of friends and especially the catchy statements on the photos in tumblr.

I, again, have fallen deeply in love with the words below: the content of the bookmark Patty read in front of us which she gave me during our send-off party for her.

Abbie :))

Thank you for being an inspiration.

You don’t know how much I learn whenever I see how you do great yet remain humble and simple.

I admire you for just being you- a person of simplicity and of strong faith.

You have made me realize a lot Abbie!

Stay strong.

I believe that you can be a great teacher. :))

Believe in what you can do and believe in God for those that you can’t.

I love you!

 

♥Patty

P.S. I printed a copy of the blog post you tagged me :))

 

Tears continuously ran down my eyes as I listened to her. And it best showed how words deeply move me and warm my heart. I truly am a lover of words.

 

Unlikely Fun-filled Saturday Trip

A stressful, disappointing  and seemingly unbearable circumstance when you're alone could be a fun-filled, crazy adventure with your peers.

An exact example of this was crossing Manila Ocean yesterday, July 21, 2012:

It was both a reunion (with Kamelle and Sol) and a getting-to-know-more stage (with Fatima and Juvy).

I don't have the best camera yet their smiles and happy spirits are evident in the photograph!

Below will be glimpses of Manila Ocean and the flooded areas we walked through!

We were not alone in treading the flooded streets of San Marcelino.

Vehicles were not excused in the plight against the flood.

We also had the same situation with the fellows up there while crossing the road.

Blessedly, the drivers of motorcycles and cars were kind-hearted enough to stop let us pass through.

Here are more photos that I liked very much :)

A long wait 'til we knew when and where to walk through

A beautiful, dramatic, stolen shot of  a  patiently waiting princess :)

(Lusong Sa Baha)

Lastly, it's the flood and I= our first shot together.

And this was actually my 4th encounter with it.

This will be one of the many things I'll be missing when I eventually graduate. (Haha)

Sadly, I lost the picture of Sol when we were in the bus. She only met us near SM and it was another blessing that she was right on time when the bus came!

Inside the bus, we were like students in a field trip. We had snacks to share with each other and drinks to pass from one person to another. Bonding has never been this possible and exciting. Truly, it was a splendid, unlikely fun-filled Saturday trip! :)

A river of tears won’t be enough

AWOAVaR

 

It has been part of my every school year: being absent because of my emotional sickness.

It’s a day when I feel too defeated to set myself into battle in school.

A day when negative emotions get the most of me and eat me up leaving me stuck in the dorm/house unable to attend classes.

 

July 20, 2012 was just NOT THE BEST DAY to be Absent Without A Valid Reason (AWOAVaR).

 

Grace Sooo Undeserved

The study table and chair below are newly bought. And the camera with which I used to capture it is a new cellphone. (guess the phone can’t be vain enough to take a picture of itself~)

Those are superficial factors as to why I considered Friday as the worst day not to go to school. (Any day could be worse but that day was the worst possible)

How it was bought and brought there, even the person who bought, brought and gave me all these, were the important, weighty factors why I was so regretful to miss our classes.

As I pour it out in a text message sent to my sisther (Sister Esther):

“Sisther <///3 naiiyak na ako T.T. Dito kami ngayon sa SM ni Tatay. Binili ninya ko ng table, upuan, binigyan ninya ko ng bagong phone, kakain kami ngayon TAPOS HINDI AKO PUMASOK KANINA.”

My heartbreak did not end there. My 63-year-old father came from Tarlac, bought several things in 168, carried the very heavy pile to meet me in SM Manila. Then, the equally heavy table we bought, he carried too, and I heard him gasping for breath when we were heading to the exit door of the mall.

My heart was tearing apart but I couldn’t show it. All that I was able to offer was my concern through asking him “Kaya ninyo pa po ba?” And my obviously struggling father will say with a smile: “Oo naman.”

 

Because of the flood, and the bulk of the things we have with us, we needed to ride a tricycle. (“Motor” [stress on the second syllable] was just the term they used there)

And when we’re about to ride, he kept on telling the driver “Oh ilapit mo pa yung motor mo, yung anak ko sasakay.”

 

My heart was already shattered when we were inside the dorm. My father bought the heavy table up until the 3^rd floor, considering that what we passed through was a very steep stairway!

 

A river of tears won’t be enough

Tatay helped me fix up the table and chair, then he prayed for me and our dorm.

It was past 8:30 pm when he left and he will be travelling for more or less two hours going to Tarlac. And again he is my 63-year-old father.

 

When he left, I knelt down and started crying. I cried so much. I cried hard.

I was a “pasaway” student considered by Him worthy of feeling special, loved and comforted.

It relived the feeling when I first surrendered my life to a God who loved me though I am a sinner!

The Lord made me feel His unconditional love so much, and in a more concrete way!

 

A river of tears won’t be enough to express my gratitude to God for the grace He flooded me with through my father in the flesh that night.

A river of tears won’t be enough to quiet my shouting soul to declare that His grace and mercy are indeed unceasing!

The desires of His heart

We humans know how we will do anything just to pursue and achieve what our hearts desire.

Imagine how God would pursue the desires of His heart. Like His love that is unfathomable, much more could be His passion for His desires!

He would do anything, at His limitless, immeasurable power, beyond what the human mind can comprehend, to fulfil these cries of His heart.

It is one of His greatest desires:

To let you know that you are important and special

To let you know that He has formed you, He knows every detail of your genes, everything about who you are

To let you know that He was right there smiling at you in your mother’s womb, excited upon your birth and constantly watching your growth

To help you with every problem and difficulty that you have

To bless you

To redeem you

To forgive you and forget all your transgressions

For you to turn and return to Him daily

To frustrate all the negative things planned against you

To break what weighs you down

To use His unfathomable power for your cause and welfare

To drain the entire negative that could be overwhelming you

To fill you with faith and positive things

To let you see how beautiful life could be and how there are countless things to be thankful for

To let you experience the depth of His irrevocable, immense love

∞

And the list would go on unceasingly.

(Inspired by Isaiah 44)

Times of Stress: (A Late Entry)

Times of stress make me want to write a poem.

But the complexity of rhymes made me resort to a free verse poem.

 

Times of stress signal that you need rest.

From working you are called,

To pause and reflect

All along why have I been doing this?

You may ask yourself

Lie on your back and ponder,

Have you forgotten?

The Lord, the Creator,

Has given you hands to work for Him

His strength He has given you,

Have you dwelt on your own?

His joy he has filled you with,

Has the enemy robbed you of it?

Your mind He has filled with promises

Has the enemy replaced it

With the cares of this world?

 

Times of stress, signal you to stop

The Lordship of God has to be reinforced

You have reached the limits of your own strength

 

Times of stress best remind you

Of your dear Inspiration,

Wisdom and Savior,

When work has dimmed your thoughts of Him

 

Times of stress would only end,

When you surrender in prayer

And run back to Him.

Upside-down

The upside-down turn from a gloomy and frustrating situation was His sweet surprise yesterday.

            God’s message indeed is not confined in the Bible, or during our prayer time.He speaks to us anywhere through anything or anyone.

           

            She agreed with me that God has meant that only the two of us have met that night.

            A get-together with some high school friends here in Manila was set yesterday and it was supposed to be a celebration for her pseudo-birthday.

            Several things(which I can’t really pinpoint) frustrated me and made me say “nakakainis” that latter part of the day. Adding up to that was the saddening outcome that only I and that girl (who was not really a high school friend) met during the night.

            Her name is Fatima, a friend since I was in first year college, a close friend of a close friend of mine and a dear blessing last night.

            We were in McDo to do away with the sad thought of an unrealized plan. We ate and she started to amazingly talk about timely things that I needed that time.

            She shared about her best friend: someone God handed over to her to guard, love and take care of.

            What was out of the ordinary is that this best friend of her is not someone who’ll qualify under the category of good girls.

            Fatima is a Christian, a very kind and friendly person and her best friend is actually her exact opposite.

            Her bff is from a broken family and she said that what could seemingly describe her is a “walking disaster”.

            I would not write the reasons for this, but I think it will give anyone the idea of how terrible her life could have been.

            This is not to condemn her or judge her; rather it is to grieve about, with and for children of broken families.

 

            I personally think that among those difficult people to understand and deal with, are the products of broken homes. Of course, this is not true for each one of them.

But my life has been surrounded with friends from broken families. God had been sending them to me or should I say: He’ sending me to them.

           

            I have been blessed to hear from Fatima these insights last night that haveawaken me:

-         “As a  Christian wala nang puwang para sa kanila ang inis, what they deserve is understanding and love”

-         “Di ko alam kung saan ako huhugot ng rasonpara magalit o mainis sa kanya kasi sobra sobra akong nag cacare sakanya”

-         “Narealize ko kung gaano tayo ka-blesssed kasi tayo yung nag-cocomfort, hindi tayo yung kino-comfort”

-         “Minsan nga nag-iisip ako kung kulang pa yung effort ko”

-          “Pinagsasabihan ko siya lagi kahit nanaiinis na sakin yung iba naming kaibigan…gusto ko siyang alagaan, bantayan”

-         “Lagi ko siyang pinagpapray”

-         “Alagaan mo si (the person I am having a great difficulty understanding these days) Abbie, wag mo siyang pababayaan”

 

Needless to say, God has poured out great love to Fatima to enable her to constantly love her bestfriend. My hat’s off to her about that love she has cultivated.

I am moved to love even the most difficult people to understand, much more, realizing that my students in the future will more likely be among those.

 

He Proved Me Wrong

During the days, weeks, months and years that have passed, I always believed in my heart that teaching was the dream profession that God has planted in my heart. But I believed in that dream, not my ability to realize that dream. I believe that I am called to be a teacher but doubted myself and my skills in order to be one.

            This specific paragraph from my previous blog clearly shows my state a week ago:

“This Junior year makes me realize the weight of how much needs to be broken in me to make me a full-grown teacher. Endless demonstration teaching would equal to countless times spent speaking in public. It would mean the need of a louder voice than my loudest. It would mean leading not a number of kids but a whole class. It would mean forever stepping out of my comfort zone. And it actually freaks me out right now. Questioning God if teaching is really the profession He wills for me--- has passed through my mind more than once.”

            I know that lately, the Lord has dealt with my fears and worries. Thus, He reminded me of possessing a mind secured and in peace like His. But yesterday, He wanted me to possess His eyes as well. He wanted me to see something that I have always victoriously failed to see. He wanted me to see how He sees me.

            A demo teaching that I used to dread about has finally started yesterday. It wasn’t a full-blown demo because we only needed to demonstrate giving a listening activity in class. The night before this (Wednesday) my blog was about being secure and in peace.

            So although I started doing my listening activity late at night, I enjoyed a lot while I was doing it. And that was the time I really felt that it was the Holy Spirit who gave me the idea for the activity I made. “…and He will be the stability of your times, abundance of…wisdom”Isaiah 33:6 was the verse I was holding on to, believing that it is really God who gave me wisdom.

            Even in the morning, as I printed and photocopied the worksheets, I encountered more than one problem. I was definitely tempted to fret, fear and say Halaaaaaa many times but “There will be peace and security in my days.” Isaiah 39:8 was the promise that kept me from doing so.

            And before I started my demo, trusting God was still the thing that my heart longed to do.

            The result of the demo teaching is not something I want the world to know and read about so they can see how great I am. The victory is to show the work of the true and living God in the life of a weak-timid-fearful-pessimistic-person whom He gradually molds to become a strong-bold-faithful-positive GREAT English Teacher.

            As a person whose love language is words (I think so) it is my desire to take account of the strengths my professor and classmates saw in me. And probably the things that God wants me to see, which He has always seen in me:

These aren’t the exact words they used but I tried my best to rephrase and recall what they said:

“I like your voice. It’s sweet and I could listen to you while you’re reading the listening text twice or thrice and I wouldn’t mind, but of course not the whole day.”

“And you have a good diction…”

“Did you make this blog and worksheet?... “Tuning Into A Blog” is something different… And I like the way you made it”

“Now you already have two materials writer in class…”

“Aside from that [the points of improvement she gave me], what you did was impressive”

(Professor Thei Manicio, our professor in Teaching Listening and Speaking)

 

“Congrats Abbie, ang galing mo…”

“Favorite teacher…J”

“Kung ako studyante mo aattend ako lagi ng klase mo…”

“Magiging magaling kayong teachers…”

(Random dialogue of my HC Family)

 

For so long, I have focused on the entire negative in myself and in my life. But I could feel God desiring so much to boost my confidence and faith, by letting me experience this victory. I was only used to writing about a favoured life glorifying God. Yet He is continuing to make me the person I always thought I can only write about.

What is boast-worthy is His work in my life and not the victory itself.

And with His work in my life, He proved me wrong.

 

P.S.

Classmates, if you’re pressured and you think that you can’t meet or surpass the seemingly high standards we have set, let His work in your demo prove you wrong!

 

 

“Halaaaaa” Will Be Non-Existent

This, I think, would be the best way to condition myself for the upcoming busy hours: to WRITE.

Fear had been a cliché in my life. It used to be an inseparable part of me. I don’t think I would be “me” without it.

Halaaaa is the linguistic expression and declaration of my fears. “Halaaa bukas na pasahan niyan wala pa akong nagagawa.” “Halaaa pano yun ang hirap?”,“Halaaaa di ko mahanap yung report ko.” Halaaaaaaaaa.

Since I was born again, the Lord had his various ways of dealing with my fears. And every day I will have my own way of being fearful again.

As I count it, I’m a nine-year old Christian (since I personally accepted Christ when I was 10 years old) but it didn’t mean that through these years my fears have completely vanished.

But today I realized how we’ll really experience times of being fed up and dissatisfied with our unending routines.

I was too tired to live in fear of the tasks I have not yet started. I was fed up with worries’ seemingly perfect attendance in the room of my heart.

This day, through a situation in the life of Hezekiah, I was inspired to strive for fear and worries to be non-existent in my life (or this specific day to be exact).

“There will be peace and security in my days.” Isaiah 39:8

King Hezekiah said this when a bad news was told to him by Prophet Isaiah. (You can read Isaiah 39 to further understand it)

Whatever bad news or negative things that come in our way we people have tendencies to fret and may even say Halaaaaa  (like me)

But Hezekiah exemplified that: A man who has found favour in the sight of God has nothing to fear.

This and all the promises of God strengthen my faith. The world will truly throw a lot of distractions, negative thoughts and feelings at us, yet His word will implant in us the Philippians 4:8 mind: His mind.

Like Hezekiah, “there will be peace and security in my days.” Halaaaaa will be non-existent.

(Consider the modal used: will = 100% assurance because of our Prince of Peace. =])

An inspiration and instrument of God

This post is my 1st blog entry for my account this school year. And this one’s one of the hardest to put into writing. I feel like the complexity of what I’m feeling and experiencing made words unfit or hard to put together to convey the message I wish to share. (What a dilemma for a writer!)

Yet thankfully, one person inspired me yesterday. She seemed to have given me a paper with the outline of what I needed to write.

The person adding up to my list of inspirations is Patty. You do not know her, do you? Let me introduce this amazing person to you. Patty was a classmate of mine last school year, but now she isn’t anymore because she was granted as a Global Exchange student to study in America (North Carolina to be exact) and she’ll be leaving this August.

(Here's a photo of her:)

I am not inspired by the mere fact that she was granted the Fulbright scholarship, but I am “inspired to tears” about HOW she got there.

She shared her experiences as an English Major during “e-merge”: in our General Assembly. And I tell you, when she gave me a note during our class activity that read: “You remind me of gravity.” I am pretty sure while listening to her speech that the note was rather meant for her.

I did not see someone up on stage, bragging about the scholarship hundreds of people applied for, saying “I received this because I am good. I have all the skills and intelligence in the world to qualify for this.”

Rather, I saw someone who shared how she seemed unfit in the beginning for that kind of scholarship. She shared how she cried during her interview for our majorship. She shared how she could not even recite in classroom discussions unless she has memorized what she’ll say. I can never take this against her as a way of revealing her weaknesses. No, through this she has shown all English majors and professors what her greatest strength was: humility. And this mark of humility keeps me crying until now.

And as her classmate and friend, I know that the advice she gave in her speech to “Give your best” did not remain a cliché, it possessed grander impact, for from her life, “best” is truly displayed in every single thing she does.

She retold her experience during the interview for the Fulbright scholarship and it was an exact opposite of her interview for our majorship. She said that she was able to confidently answer all the questions raised. I am in no doubt that she has grown so much because of her humility and hard work.

Through Patty, I felt God consoled my heart. The message my heart was longing for, He impressed to me through her.

And what was I going through? Why did I need comfort?

One: This statement was all that I could write yesterday as I attempted to write: There has to be some way to put up with expectations that are seemingly too ideal.

                Simply put, discouragement has its subtle way of attacking me these days. Giving God all the glory through doing good in my studies was something I boldly, emotionally written for the youth blog. But I feel like I have set my hopes and expectancy too high. I feel like I could not attain it. I feel like I do not glorify God at all, for I seem to be an ordinary student. The distinction between God’s students and the world’s I could not let others see.

Two: What a professor told me when I was being interviewed for Literature majorship way back when I was a freshman, lingers on my mind: “You’re pitifully shy, how can you become a teacher?”

            This Junior year makes me realize the weight of how much needs to be broken in me to make me a full-grown teacher. Endless demonstration teaching would equal to countless times spent speaking in public. It would mean the need of a louder voice than my loudest. It would mean leading not a number of kids but a whole class. It would mean forever stepping out of my comfort zone. And it actually freaks me out right now. Questioning God if teaching is really the profession He wills for me--- has passed through my mind more than once.

The exact words of how to deal with these things did not came from Patty’s speech. But she is the reason, the instrument God used for my realizations.

One: I felt that she has her own share of feeling like she could not do something, or feeling like she could never attain something. I was inspired to know someone who felt this before, has surpassed this and now could do things and has attained something. Plus, who told me it is only by getting good grades in school that I will glorify my God? The Lord impressed upon me that when we fail and not remain as a failure, it is another way of glorifying Him.

Two: Patty gave me a different view on weaknesses. Somehow these weaknesses that we have are to be embraced. They can be celebratory after all. Her admission of weaknesses made God the strong deliverer in her life. This humility turned our eyes from herself to the work God has done in her life. I am in tears to say that I’ll be grateful for who I am: the Abbie abounding in weaknesses because through this, people will see the great strength of my God and His work in my life. The verse: “For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor. 12:10) has never been this alive. Only, it could be exactly this version: “For when I am weak, then HE is strong.”

 

Patty, I know that God will always be with you and will surely bless you in the journey He has led you to. WCNEHTIATGFY. You can ask Esther the meaning of this one J

Daddy Lord, Truly, you “have established the beginning of every wonder.” (Caedmon) There’s no backing out in the dream profession You have planted in my heart.  ICNTYE. (I can never thank you enough =D) I love you J