The work of His hands

Because of the LET Result, more people are now aware of my complete name: ANICETE, MARY ABEGAIL ANCANAN. Aside from that, the happiness I feel is now shared and known by many.

But before the long wait was over, I had a grander dream. I could imagine what incomparable joy I'd feel if I not only passed the LET but TOPPED it!

This was my dream. This was my heart's desire. This dream and the verse I held on for so long are posted near my study table to keep me motivated:

Even as I write this, these are still posted in my then "study room" 

God did not give me a specific answer whether He'll really let me top the LET or not but I was certain He always spoke of favor- His favor that He'll pour out in my life. For months, I struggled. I told God to let me let go of that desire if it was not His will. But the desire remained.

Last Monday, a friend of mine posted on my FB wall: "congrats biee <3" and then I asked her what it was for, and then she told me that I PASSED THE LET. My hands and arms were shaking as I checked it on the internet. I was so happy to see my name in the list and I jumped for joy around the house as I announced the good news to my family and to the people close to my heart. But shortly after the overwhelming feeling, it sank into me- I passed the LET but did not top it.

It wasn't a serious heart break. In fact, I was happy. But I had to admit that deep inside, I felt a little sad that I wasn't able to reach my goal.

When I spent time with the Lord the next morning, I told Him that I was sorry for not being grateful enough. I also asked Him: "Lord, have I not heard you all along? Have I not listened well? Why haven't I let go of that desire so I'd not feel disappointed now? What are you trying to teach me or tell me through this?"

The Lord reminded me a simple yet moving insight: I do not use Him to fulfill my own agenda. He uses me and leads me to fulfill His agenda in my life.

"You are my God. I am NOT. I'm so sorry for always trying to be lord of my life. Reinforce Your lordship in my life. Your way, not mine. Your will, not mine. I do not use You to fulfill my agenda, You are to use me and lead me for Your agenda in my life."

I was moved even more when I read His Word and He led me to Psalm 92.

Psalm 92: 1,4 

"It is good to give thanks to the Lord, to sing praises to Your name, O Most High; 

For You O Lord have made me glad, by Your work, at the work of Your hands I sing for joy.

To PASS the LET is God's beautiful will for my life- and the BEST plan that He has for me. It is God's work that I passed the LET and it is not by my own wisdom and might. I could have been one of the 51,036 examinees out of 77,803 who did not make it, but God didn't let that happen. I was among the 26,767 successful examinees who made it because of His favor! And as His agenda continues to unfold in my life-  I sing for joy at the work of His hands!

The Love that chooses us

The Love that we choose to forget
                                           remembers
The Love that we choose to reject
                                           accepts
The Love that we choose to move away from
                                           draws near
The Love that we choose to push away
                                            insists
The Love that we choose to give up
                                           perseveres
The Love that we choose to hurt
                                            forgives
The Love that we choose to curse
                                            blesses
The Love that we choose to disown
                                           pursues us
The Love that we choose to stop
                                           continues
The Love that we choose to break
                                           grows
The Love that we choose to cheat
                                            remains faithful
The Love that we choose to depreciate
                                            values
The Love that we choose to hate
                                           understands
The Love that we choose to abandon
                                           stays

This First Love that so many choose to lose is our true gain.
This Love, His love, that we may choose not to choose, steadfastly chooses us.

Amazing! ♥

It’s amazing how I’m starting to redeem industry and love for the things that I do.

It’s amazing how people manage to work and concentrate under pressure.

It’s amazing how cramming (though negative) can be optimized to bring out the creative juices within us!

It’s amazing how my classmates manage to “chillax” and have fun despite the overwhelming requirements.

It’s amazing how my always-freaking-out heart and mind learns how to calm down.

It’s amazing how contagious the joy of my friends are, that I’m starting to think that I already am a melancholic-turned-sanguine!

 

It’s amazing when He lets you see how He orchestrates the events of your life.

It’s amazing when He lets you witness the changes He is working in you!

It’s amazing when all the things you worried about and feared of a day before or hours earlier were trashed at the relief of how wonderfully the day ended!

It’s amazing when you ponder that everything you have done, said or thought today, He has favoured and blessed!

 

It’s amazing that the Lord comforts us with concrete expression of His love and power through the simplest ways!

And it’s amazing that I’m learning how to find time to do the thing that recharges me inspires me and keeps me---writing.

 

My ever-favorite from Caedmon’s Hymn:Truly, He… established the beginning of every wonder! Amazing! ♥

 

A river of tears won’t be enough

AWOAVaR

 

It has been part of my every school year: being absent because of my emotional sickness.

It’s a day when I feel too defeated to set myself into battle in school.

A day when negative emotions get the most of me and eat me up leaving me stuck in the dorm/house unable to attend classes.

 

July 20, 2012 was just NOT THE BEST DAY to be Absent Without A Valid Reason (AWOAVaR).

 

Grace Sooo Undeserved

The study table and chair below are newly bought. And the camera with which I used to capture it is a new cellphone. (guess the phone can’t be vain enough to take a picture of itself~)

Those are superficial factors as to why I considered Friday as the worst day not to go to school. (Any day could be worse but that day was the worst possible)

How it was bought and brought there, even the person who bought, brought and gave me all these, were the important, weighty factors why I was so regretful to miss our classes.

As I pour it out in a text message sent to my sisther (Sister Esther):

“Sisther <///3 naiiyak na ako T.T. Dito kami ngayon sa SM ni Tatay. Binili ninya ko ng table, upuan, binigyan ninya ko ng bagong phone, kakain kami ngayon TAPOS HINDI AKO PUMASOK KANINA.”

My heartbreak did not end there. My 63-year-old father came from Tarlac, bought several things in 168, carried the very heavy pile to meet me in SM Manila. Then, the equally heavy table we bought, he carried too, and I heard him gasping for breath when we were heading to the exit door of the mall.

My heart was tearing apart but I couldn’t show it. All that I was able to offer was my concern through asking him “Kaya ninyo pa po ba?” And my obviously struggling father will say with a smile: “Oo naman.”

 

Because of the flood, and the bulk of the things we have with us, we needed to ride a tricycle. (“Motor” [stress on the second syllable] was just the term they used there)

And when we’re about to ride, he kept on telling the driver “Oh ilapit mo pa yung motor mo, yung anak ko sasakay.”

 

My heart was already shattered when we were inside the dorm. My father bought the heavy table up until the 3^rd floor, considering that what we passed through was a very steep stairway!

 

A river of tears won’t be enough

Tatay helped me fix up the table and chair, then he prayed for me and our dorm.

It was past 8:30 pm when he left and he will be travelling for more or less two hours going to Tarlac. And again he is my 63-year-old father.

 

When he left, I knelt down and started crying. I cried so much. I cried hard.

I was a “pasaway” student considered by Him worthy of feeling special, loved and comforted.

It relived the feeling when I first surrendered my life to a God who loved me though I am a sinner!

The Lord made me feel His unconditional love so much, and in a more concrete way!

 

A river of tears won’t be enough to express my gratitude to God for the grace He flooded me with through my father in the flesh that night.

A river of tears won’t be enough to quiet my shouting soul to declare that His grace and mercy are indeed unceasing!

He Proved Me Wrong

During the days, weeks, months and years that have passed, I always believed in my heart that teaching was the dream profession that God has planted in my heart. But I believed in that dream, not my ability to realize that dream. I believe that I am called to be a teacher but doubted myself and my skills in order to be one.

            This specific paragraph from my previous blog clearly shows my state a week ago:

“This Junior year makes me realize the weight of how much needs to be broken in me to make me a full-grown teacher. Endless demonstration teaching would equal to countless times spent speaking in public. It would mean the need of a louder voice than my loudest. It would mean leading not a number of kids but a whole class. It would mean forever stepping out of my comfort zone. And it actually freaks me out right now. Questioning God if teaching is really the profession He wills for me--- has passed through my mind more than once.”

            I know that lately, the Lord has dealt with my fears and worries. Thus, He reminded me of possessing a mind secured and in peace like His. But yesterday, He wanted me to possess His eyes as well. He wanted me to see something that I have always victoriously failed to see. He wanted me to see how He sees me.

            A demo teaching that I used to dread about has finally started yesterday. It wasn’t a full-blown demo because we only needed to demonstrate giving a listening activity in class. The night before this (Wednesday) my blog was about being secure and in peace.

            So although I started doing my listening activity late at night, I enjoyed a lot while I was doing it. And that was the time I really felt that it was the Holy Spirit who gave me the idea for the activity I made. “…and He will be the stability of your times, abundance of…wisdom”Isaiah 33:6 was the verse I was holding on to, believing that it is really God who gave me wisdom.

            Even in the morning, as I printed and photocopied the worksheets, I encountered more than one problem. I was definitely tempted to fret, fear and say Halaaaaaa many times but “There will be peace and security in my days.” Isaiah 39:8 was the promise that kept me from doing so.

            And before I started my demo, trusting God was still the thing that my heart longed to do.

            The result of the demo teaching is not something I want the world to know and read about so they can see how great I am. The victory is to show the work of the true and living God in the life of a weak-timid-fearful-pessimistic-person whom He gradually molds to become a strong-bold-faithful-positive GREAT English Teacher.

            As a person whose love language is words (I think so) it is my desire to take account of the strengths my professor and classmates saw in me. And probably the things that God wants me to see, which He has always seen in me:

These aren’t the exact words they used but I tried my best to rephrase and recall what they said:

“I like your voice. It’s sweet and I could listen to you while you’re reading the listening text twice or thrice and I wouldn’t mind, but of course not the whole day.”

“And you have a good diction…”

“Did you make this blog and worksheet?... “Tuning Into A Blog” is something different… And I like the way you made it”

“Now you already have two materials writer in class…”

“Aside from that [the points of improvement she gave me], what you did was impressive”

(Professor Thei Manicio, our professor in Teaching Listening and Speaking)

 

“Congrats Abbie, ang galing mo…”

“Favorite teacher…J”

“Kung ako studyante mo aattend ako lagi ng klase mo…”

“Magiging magaling kayong teachers…”

(Random dialogue of my HC Family)

 

For so long, I have focused on the entire negative in myself and in my life. But I could feel God desiring so much to boost my confidence and faith, by letting me experience this victory. I was only used to writing about a favoured life glorifying God. Yet He is continuing to make me the person I always thought I can only write about.

What is boast-worthy is His work in my life and not the victory itself.

And with His work in my life, He proved me wrong.

 

P.S.

Classmates, if you’re pressured and you think that you can’t meet or surpass the seemingly high standards we have set, let His work in your demo prove you wrong!