Let Me Gaze at You

The pen and paper are calling out to me, tugging at me everywhere I go, whispering to me every second of the day.
I am drawn to this account -- drawn to this source of strength and solace.

Words wouldn't come out easily, instantly;  the paper needs to wait. My pen is in a halt.
But my keepsake of writing flamed the passion inside me, this excerpt in my journal, I will now share.


Lord, I wanna gaze at You.
Let me, please let me, make me gaze at You.

Your eyes- looking at me knowingly,
not a concern I have hidden from Your eyes.
Your ears - attentive to all the spoken and unspoken words of my mouth.
Your mouth- awaiting to lavish on me sweet words to uplift and comfort me.
Your hands- desperate to reach me and help me
Your arms- wide open to embrace me and carry me when I can no longer walk.
Your feet- always running towards me, after me, before me and with me.

Let me gaze at You. Make me gaze at You only.

That my eyes will not shed tears of sorrow and pain but of joy and healing.
That my ears will not be filled of voices I could not stand hearing but of Your voice alone.
That my mouth will not speak of mourning and bitterness but of praises and love.
That my hands and arms shall seek Your help and embrace
That my feet will run to You, after You and with You only.

That my heart- will not continue to break but will continue to heal wholly.
All of these as I gaze at You--- gaze at You only.

A Letter to My Future Working Self

In a week's time, I'll no longer be an unofficially employed individual. I'll be officially working as an English tutor to Koreans and at the same time, I'll still be serving in the Campus Ministry- my unofficial employment for almost 6 months now.

Campus Ministry Teachers, clad in our uniquely-colored uniform :)

People have asked me countless times - "Why don't you work?" "Why don't you apply in a school as an official teacher?" The answer I say over again is that I am committed to the Campus Ministry as a volunteer teacher in Gen. Vito Belarmino High School, Lucsuhin, Silang, Cavite. I teach Values Education (using a curriculum we modified) every Monday and Thursday to two sections in 4th year.

With my 4F co-teacher, Ma'am Amie :)

With my 4C co-teacher, Ma'am Mae :)

Sharing my testimony to my students 

I don't want my unemployed days to end without sharing the insights I've gained and the experiences I've had. And as I am so fond of letters, I opted to write to my future working self.

To My Future Working Self,

I write to you today to tell you that you can look back and never regret this year that you offered to the Lord- as a seemingly full-time worker in His workplace. I tell you that this has been the best, the most blessed, joyous, and content year of your life.

These were days when you hardly knew where to get your resources (money for visuals, prices, fare and etc.) but every day God surprised you in how He provides for all of your needs! These were days when you were penniless, but full of joy, love and peace. These were days when you have formed deep friendships with people who have the same love you have for the Lord. These were days when your heart took the fastest time that it could to heal- something that you thought it can never do. These were days when your heart has fallen out of love with things that didn't really matter and has fallen in love with or has rekindled its affection for all worthwhile things.

These are days you can look back to and tell yourself that there was no better way to have spent your year after graduation than to spend it wholly for the Lord.

These are days that you can learn from now that you are working. These days will remind you that your current work, salary, or your ability to buy the things that you want won't fully satisfy.You will always find out that nothing compares to being able to spend quality time with the Lord. 

And when your heart wanders and your priorities shuffle, look back to these days and relearn that He is your priority. Living your life is for Him be it in the Lord's workplace or in this world's. 

Remember as well to have time for the things that interest you and make you happy. (Photography, nature, reading, etc.) Never fail to see how beautiful life is!

Never lose the excellence you continually strive to bring to the Lord in all that you do especially that you realized during your unemployed days that we ought to never give God "leftovers" in the ministry.

Never lose your fire and passion, even your intimacy with the Lord now that you are a working individual.

Never forget all the learning that being unemployed has bountifully given you.

Looking forward to having you read and learn from this,
-Your non-working self

The work of His hands

Because of the LET Result, more people are now aware of my complete name: ANICETE, MARY ABEGAIL ANCANAN. Aside from that, the happiness I feel is now shared and known by many.

But before the long wait was over, I had a grander dream. I could imagine what incomparable joy I'd feel if I not only passed the LET but TOPPED it!

This was my dream. This was my heart's desire. This dream and the verse I held on for so long are posted near my study table to keep me motivated:

Even as I write this, these are still posted in my then "study room" 

God did not give me a specific answer whether He'll really let me top the LET or not but I was certain He always spoke of favor- His favor that He'll pour out in my life. For months, I struggled. I told God to let me let go of that desire if it was not His will. But the desire remained.

Last Monday, a friend of mine posted on my FB wall: "congrats biee <3" and then I asked her what it was for, and then she told me that I PASSED THE LET. My hands and arms were shaking as I checked it on the internet. I was so happy to see my name in the list and I jumped for joy around the house as I announced the good news to my family and to the people close to my heart. But shortly after the overwhelming feeling, it sank into me- I passed the LET but did not top it.

It wasn't a serious heart break. In fact, I was happy. But I had to admit that deep inside, I felt a little sad that I wasn't able to reach my goal.

When I spent time with the Lord the next morning, I told Him that I was sorry for not being grateful enough. I also asked Him: "Lord, have I not heard you all along? Have I not listened well? Why haven't I let go of that desire so I'd not feel disappointed now? What are you trying to teach me or tell me through this?"

The Lord reminded me a simple yet moving insight: I do not use Him to fulfill my own agenda. He uses me and leads me to fulfill His agenda in my life.

"You are my God. I am NOT. I'm so sorry for always trying to be lord of my life. Reinforce Your lordship in my life. Your way, not mine. Your will, not mine. I do not use You to fulfill my agenda, You are to use me and lead me for Your agenda in my life."

I was moved even more when I read His Word and He led me to Psalm 92.

Psalm 92: 1,4 

"It is good to give thanks to the Lord, to sing praises to Your name, O Most High; 

For You O Lord have made me glad, by Your work, at the work of Your hands I sing for joy.

To PASS the LET is God's beautiful will for my life- and the BEST plan that He has for me. It is God's work that I passed the LET and it is not by my own wisdom and might. I could have been one of the 51,036 examinees out of 77,803 who did not make it, but God didn't let that happen. I was among the 26,767 successful examinees who made it because of His favor! And as His agenda continues to unfold in my life-  I sing for joy at the work of His hands!

The Sun of My Day

I woke up to a gloomy morning which looked more like night than day--- the sun setting than rising. This makes getting up- out of bed even more difficult than it already is.The glue on my body to the warmth and coziness of my blanket and pillows seem to have tripled its stickiness.

But then, when you manage to sit up on a day like this, open your Bible, seek His voice, and cry out to Him, the gloom of the morning disappears in His presence. Hope rises and the heavy feeling sets back.

The Son is the sun that lights up your face. The glue dries up and rays of sun seem to go with you wherever you go and in everything that you do.

There is no gloomy day to a heart, soul and mind that God's face has shone on.

Run Towards Intimacy with Him

                It has been 3 months and a couple of days now since I was declared a college graduate. It also has been more than 3 months now that I’m the official non-working, non-studying individual in our home. It only means that I have a lot of free time nowadays, even more abundant than the busy times that I had when I was a student (sounds like it has been a long time huh? XD). So in these ocean of free times, I made up my daily routine. Of course, first in my morning schedule is my devotion.

               

My mornings with the Lord are spent not inside a room but with nature. We have an unfinished roof top in the house wherein you could seemingly touch the floppy clouds, gaze at the blue or dark sky, and listen to the birds sing. There’s one covered hall we have there with a long, old, brown table inside it. I sit on top of it and there is where I sing out, cry out and write out my heart to God. That is my secret place where I could think of Him so deeply, stay so still and hear His voice so loudly and gaze at His beauty as reflected by His creation.

                Lately, there was something that was stopping me from going there--- a crow. The moment that I went up, a crow screeched so loud and attempted to dive down towards me. In my fear of being bitten by it, I hurriedly run downstairs and never went up again. I thought that it was God telling me to retreat and simply have my devotion on my bed.

                But the next day, the same crow was screeching and scaring me. The same scenario happened and there I was downstairs, near our front door, panting and thinking. God suddenly impressed on me that not even this should stop me from having my quality time with Him. So I made up my mind to run, run as fast as I could to get to my secret place and meet Him. So that was the very thing that I did. I ran through our roof top so fast to reach the spot for my devotion. I heard the crow screeching again but it didn’t get the chance to reach me.

               

When I reached my spot, I sat comfortably at the table and sighed. “How similar this is to our journey of pursuing intimacy with our God,” I thought. Many things (a zillion to number them in this generation) will hinder us from spending time with God. It could be the undefeated, most influential distractor such as the social media or it could be work, school or any particular sin or struggle. And whatever they are, in whatever form they may be, they have this one aim- to keep you away from spending time with God. And truth is, they more often succeed than not.

                The Lord showed me a simple principle from what I experienced this morning:

                Run… FROM the things that keep you away from God and run... TO Him to keep you away from these things.

                Remember: Running takes an extra effort. It’s having to sacrifice your usual comfortable walking for one that is more tiring and active. Running from these things that keep us away from God would mean a decision to change our actions and to sacrifice some things. Maybe it could mean having a social media fast, keeping your phone away from you, turning the tv off, waking up earlier or sleeping later than usual. The thing is, as John and Stasi Eldredge wrote in their book Captivating, “To pursue intimacy with Christ, you will have to fight for it.” As you run from these distractors, and run to Him daily to keep you away from these things, God’s grace and power will make it easier for you to abandon them.

                    What are the crows in your life stopping you from reaching your secret place?

                Whatever they are, remember to run FROM them, and run to God, towards intimacy with Him.

The Love that chooses us

The Love that we choose to forget
                                           remembers
The Love that we choose to reject
                                           accepts
The Love that we choose to move away from
                                           draws near
The Love that we choose to push away
                                            insists
The Love that we choose to give up
                                           perseveres
The Love that we choose to hurt
                                            forgives
The Love that we choose to curse
                                            blesses
The Love that we choose to disown
                                           pursues us
The Love that we choose to stop
                                           continues
The Love that we choose to break
                                           grows
The Love that we choose to cheat
                                            remains faithful
The Love that we choose to depreciate
                                            values
The Love that we choose to hate
                                           understands
The Love that we choose to abandon
                                           stays

This First Love that so many choose to lose is our true gain.
This Love, His love, that we may choose not to choose, steadfastly chooses us.

Giant: the love of a Father

Little Steps: Your daughter took very little steps.

She thought they were too small.

She thought they were too petty.

But these little steps eventually moved her away from You, little by little.

These little steps became big enough to keep her in a distance wherein she could hardly hear what You say.

These little steps took her in a distance far enough for her not to see You direct her steps, far enough to lead her astray.

Those little steps that she took led her to tread the wrong way at the crossroads.

She has been away, she is struggling to find her way back.

She realized that she lost her way in a familiar place. She has been lost here. And her little steps took her to be lost in the same place again.

Then, Your daughter breaks down and cries.

She misses You. She longs for You.

At her initial cry of repentance, her initial cry to go back, right there and then, Grace and Mercy came to meet her. To lead her back to You.

And when she saw You, at that corner where she left You, where her little steps started taking her far, she started to run to You. Only, You ran so fast, faster than her, even faster than the fastest athlete, just to take her in Your arms. In a couple of seconds, You held her in your arms, safe in Your embrace. Your Giant love was relentless to take her back from wherever her little steps took her.

It is YOU

If there is one person whom I won’t be able to take my mind off, it is YOU.

You, who knew me before I was born.

You, who saw me grow up as a child.

You, who delighted in me as an adolescent.

To You, whom I have run to because of every heartache a man caused me.

You, who have loved me ever since, all along.

If there is one person steadfastly, consistently loving me,

Thinking of me

Taking care of me

Protecting me

Watching me

Desiring what’s best for me

It is YOU

You, who have unceasingly done good and great works in my life.

You, who have understood and accepted me at my worst.

You, who have always seen and always see the best in me.

You, who have been constantly courting me and chasing me, to get my attention, for me to know you more and fall in love with You deeper.

You are my most persistent, loving and patient suitor.

You are the one I should never be able to take my mind off.

To YOU I give my “YES”- forevermore.

Healthy Yesses! (Late post)

I’ve recently heard from a professor the term “Healthy No’s”. The term amused me and at the same time marked in my mind since I am the type of person needing intensive classes in the subject “The Art of Saying No”.

This art, even more, is indeed necessary these busy, end-of-first-sem days. Healthy No’s are in demand for invitations from friends that can one way or another hamper your set timeline or goals in finishing things.

I, the very person who has a great difficulty in saying no, also have the sternest self-imposed plan for this week: do all that you can do.

 

However, things did no turn out how I wanted them to. Things turned out as He willed.

Last Wednesday, I was sure of A NO, about the invitation of my Mami and Sisther, for an overnight bonding and fellowship in Mami’shouse. I knew I needed to do my laundry (a huge pile of clothes were waiting on me) and I had a report to focus on.

However, my moody, easily-swayed-self, from a No- Yes – No – answer, ended up with a Yes. There was a great battle in my mind. My Mami and Sistherdid not persuade me to really accept the invitation, yet I was led by circumstances to go with them.

It when I was in the jeepneywith them, going to the house when I finally told myself: this then ended up as a healthy yes!

We are deeply blessed to be gifted by the Lord with friends and sisters-in-Christ who replenish our joy and remind us of the truly important things outside school.

I was reminded that an important subject of my life I am forgetting to focus on is the improvement of my inter-personal skills/ my relationship with other people. In our sharing, my Mami and Sithertalked about their interest in knowing others deeper. I thought that I too, desired that interest in personally knowing my classmates since I turned out to be one of the Top 10 mysterious students in the class that most wanted to get to know more.

I know, it can be my design to be thereserved type. However, I also see the desire in me to reach out to others in order to reach them more for Jesus. I am continuing to really see that our relationships with people matter a lot since no truer impact can be made unless we’ve gained intimacy with their hearts.

It brushed off my mind filled with academic things--- and let me ponder on the things of eternal significance.

Moreover, another healthy yes was made today. In the same manner with my first yes, I arrived at it with the initial NO in my mind.

He continues to let me learn how He always knows better than my plans.

 

I realized how healthy the yes I’ve made today to go at Wild Sons Youth Service with Mami, Sisther, and Sismatebecause of the joy and learning it has brought me and even more---- I took hold of that moment when I longed for His presence ­more than I longed to finish my requirements. Again, my being academic-centred is being broken, to be continually reminded of things of eternal significance, to be reminded of truly important things and to be reminded of being God-centered. Hooray and thank God for the healthy yesses! :)

WE can

This is both in my attempt to keep my blog account and writing from rusting. Pardon the “disorganization” of ideas. The writer is in the state of adjustment from being AWOL in her craft.

 

The best solution for a person who solely trusts his feeble, limited self is to give up.

And these past few days, weeks, my motto in life was: Give up.

 

I was brought to a chapter in my life wherein I fully understood what it meant when people say they don’t understand a thing in what’s happening in their lives.

Trust was not tangible for me, neither to grope for a Word from Him, for not only I, but even my devotion life was being repaired.

 

Times like these when you don’t have the will to do right and perform the best, when no strength from within you empowers you to strive, when all means within you-heart, mind, body are exhausted to no avail---- He shouts “It is I, Here am I” and you are no longer deaf not to hear it.

 

Self-sufficiency makes you deaf of His plea for true dependence on Him. It is only when you realize you can do absolutely nothing, you can truly rely on His saving, enabling power.

 

The Lord gave me the shortest, most striking message, that over again, resounds my ear. “It is I, Here am I.”

 

“It is I who will do the change in you, It is I who will save you from the things you can never save yourself from. It is I who is in control of your situation and life. Here am I, I am at work. Here am I, watching over you. It is I—who will be your strength, wisdom, encouragement, joy, love, and peace. It is I, your Everything. Here am I.”

But to know that He shouts “It is I” and to be fully aware that you can do nothing on your own should not equate to self-depreciation. It instead renews our minds of His promises and the beauty of a God-handled life; and it also reaffirms our worth and significance as victorious, favoured conquerors of the King.

And when He continually says “It is I”, I responded to Him that “Lord, WE can do this…”

I have HEARD and KNOWN these things perfectly well before. But these days, the greatest privilege I have as His child is to concretely behold these like a newfound treasure--- which I could perceive in thoughts but never caress with my own hands.

 

Indeed, He lets me believe in my heart, that I am becoming more and more like Him. I am knowing Him like never before. I am experiencing Him like never before. My relationship with Him is being transformed like never before!

 

Isaiah 52:6 “Therefore, my people shall know my name. Therefore, in that day they shall know that it is I who speak, here am I.”

“…while He has chosen a feeble instrument to perform a great task, He will, from the boundless stores of His providence supply the inadequacy of the means to the end. It is the Rock of Ages [you are asked] to lean on: do not doubt it will bear the weight of your human weakness.” p.398. Charlotte Bronte- Jane Eyre.

Ravenous

My being ravenous this morning was not for my dear food or sweets.

The word ravenous appeared in my journal in these sentences: “I, too, am RAVENOUS for Your word Jesus”and “I’m so RAVENOUS Lord… You gave me so much of Your message.”

The food given to me was "so much that I got to give it away; so much that I could not contain it."

So here’s to His generosity: may you too enjoy the God-breathed nourishment!

 

Meal: Isaiah 51

 

Appetizer:

The beauty in looking back

Look to where you have been rescued… You will see how He called you to bless you. (vv.1-2)

Revelation

“but My salvation will be forever, and My righteousness will never be dismayed.” (v.8)

            Who said that salvation ends when we have accepted Him as our Lord and Savior? Salvation is forever, because from the day you let Him inside your heart, He will continually, eternally, save you from your problems, sins and self.

            What is it to us to know that ours is a righteous God? Righteous means blameless and someone who cannot be mistaken:it means that He is a God who can never be mistaken in everything He allows to happen in His children’s lives!

 

Main Cuisine:

When I’m tempted…

 

When I’m tempted to look at man for security and comfort,You gave me Your Word:

“I, I am He who comforts you;” (v.12)

 

When I’m tempted to soak myself into busyness and dwell on the impossibility of tasks,You gave me Your Word:

“You..have forgotten the Lord, your Maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth” (v.13)

 

When I’m tempted to “fear continually all the day” You gave me Your Word:

“I have covered you in the shadows of my hand, establishing the heavens, and laying the foundations of the earth, and saying… ‘You are my people.’ (v.16)

 

When I’m tempted to think that nothing’s happening and You seem passive about everything, You gave me Your Word:

“Your God… pleads the cause of His people” (v.22)

 

When I’m tempted to think that my situation will always be like before, You gave me Your Word:

“Behold, I have taken from your hand the cup of staggering… and I will put it into the hand of your tormentors.” (v.22)

 

Lastly, the dessert:

 

Joy, joy, joy, joy, joy, joy, joy

 “And the ransomed of the Lord shall return and come to Zion with singing, everlasting joy shall be upon their heads; they shall obtain gladness and joy, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.” (v.11)

Eternal joy is yours, child of God!

 

Surely He will grant a ravenous soul more than what it could take or imagine!I got a good kind of earful and ‘stomachful’ with Jesus’ Words for me today.

Reader, I hope you did too! 

 

 

A river of tears won’t be enough

AWOAVaR

 

It has been part of my every school year: being absent because of my emotional sickness.

It’s a day when I feel too defeated to set myself into battle in school.

A day when negative emotions get the most of me and eat me up leaving me stuck in the dorm/house unable to attend classes.

 

July 20, 2012 was just NOT THE BEST DAY to be Absent Without A Valid Reason (AWOAVaR).

 

Grace Sooo Undeserved

The study table and chair below are newly bought. And the camera with which I used to capture it is a new cellphone. (guess the phone can’t be vain enough to take a picture of itself~)

Those are superficial factors as to why I considered Friday as the worst day not to go to school. (Any day could be worse but that day was the worst possible)

How it was bought and brought there, even the person who bought, brought and gave me all these, were the important, weighty factors why I was so regretful to miss our classes.

As I pour it out in a text message sent to my sisther (Sister Esther):

“Sisther <///3 naiiyak na ako T.T. Dito kami ngayon sa SM ni Tatay. Binili ninya ko ng table, upuan, binigyan ninya ko ng bagong phone, kakain kami ngayon TAPOS HINDI AKO PUMASOK KANINA.”

My heartbreak did not end there. My 63-year-old father came from Tarlac, bought several things in 168, carried the very heavy pile to meet me in SM Manila. Then, the equally heavy table we bought, he carried too, and I heard him gasping for breath when we were heading to the exit door of the mall.

My heart was tearing apart but I couldn’t show it. All that I was able to offer was my concern through asking him “Kaya ninyo pa po ba?” And my obviously struggling father will say with a smile: “Oo naman.”

 

Because of the flood, and the bulk of the things we have with us, we needed to ride a tricycle. (“Motor” [stress on the second syllable] was just the term they used there)

And when we’re about to ride, he kept on telling the driver “Oh ilapit mo pa yung motor mo, yung anak ko sasakay.”

 

My heart was already shattered when we were inside the dorm. My father bought the heavy table up until the 3^rd floor, considering that what we passed through was a very steep stairway!

 

A river of tears won’t be enough

Tatay helped me fix up the table and chair, then he prayed for me and our dorm.

It was past 8:30 pm when he left and he will be travelling for more or less two hours going to Tarlac. And again he is my 63-year-old father.

 

When he left, I knelt down and started crying. I cried so much. I cried hard.

I was a “pasaway” student considered by Him worthy of feeling special, loved and comforted.

It relived the feeling when I first surrendered my life to a God who loved me though I am a sinner!

The Lord made me feel His unconditional love so much, and in a more concrete way!

 

A river of tears won’t be enough to express my gratitude to God for the grace He flooded me with through my father in the flesh that night.

A river of tears won’t be enough to quiet my shouting soul to declare that His grace and mercy are indeed unceasing!

The desires of His heart

We humans know how we will do anything just to pursue and achieve what our hearts desire.

Imagine how God would pursue the desires of His heart. Like His love that is unfathomable, much more could be His passion for His desires!

He would do anything, at His limitless, immeasurable power, beyond what the human mind can comprehend, to fulfil these cries of His heart.

It is one of His greatest desires:

To let you know that you are important and special

To let you know that He has formed you, He knows every detail of your genes, everything about who you are

To let you know that He was right there smiling at you in your mother’s womb, excited upon your birth and constantly watching your growth

To help you with every problem and difficulty that you have

To bless you

To redeem you

To forgive you and forget all your transgressions

For you to turn and return to Him daily

To frustrate all the negative things planned against you

To break what weighs you down

To use His unfathomable power for your cause and welfare

To drain the entire negative that could be overwhelming you

To fill you with faith and positive things

To let you see how beautiful life could be and how there are countless things to be thankful for

To let you experience the depth of His irrevocable, immense love

∞

And the list would go on unceasingly.

(Inspired by Isaiah 44)

Upside-down

The upside-down turn from a gloomy and frustrating situation was His sweet surprise yesterday.

            God’s message indeed is not confined in the Bible, or during our prayer time.He speaks to us anywhere through anything or anyone.

           

            She agreed with me that God has meant that only the two of us have met that night.

            A get-together with some high school friends here in Manila was set yesterday and it was supposed to be a celebration for her pseudo-birthday.

            Several things(which I can’t really pinpoint) frustrated me and made me say “nakakainis” that latter part of the day. Adding up to that was the saddening outcome that only I and that girl (who was not really a high school friend) met during the night.

            Her name is Fatima, a friend since I was in first year college, a close friend of a close friend of mine and a dear blessing last night.

            We were in McDo to do away with the sad thought of an unrealized plan. We ate and she started to amazingly talk about timely things that I needed that time.

            She shared about her best friend: someone God handed over to her to guard, love and take care of.

            What was out of the ordinary is that this best friend of her is not someone who’ll qualify under the category of good girls.

            Fatima is a Christian, a very kind and friendly person and her best friend is actually her exact opposite.

            Her bff is from a broken family and she said that what could seemingly describe her is a “walking disaster”.

            I would not write the reasons for this, but I think it will give anyone the idea of how terrible her life could have been.

            This is not to condemn her or judge her; rather it is to grieve about, with and for children of broken families.

 

            I personally think that among those difficult people to understand and deal with, are the products of broken homes. Of course, this is not true for each one of them.

But my life has been surrounded with friends from broken families. God had been sending them to me or should I say: He’ sending me to them.

           

            I have been blessed to hear from Fatima these insights last night that haveawaken me:

-         “As a  Christian wala nang puwang para sa kanila ang inis, what they deserve is understanding and love”

-         “Di ko alam kung saan ako huhugot ng rasonpara magalit o mainis sa kanya kasi sobra sobra akong nag cacare sakanya”

-         “Narealize ko kung gaano tayo ka-blesssed kasi tayo yung nag-cocomfort, hindi tayo yung kino-comfort”

-         “Minsan nga nag-iisip ako kung kulang pa yung effort ko”

-          “Pinagsasabihan ko siya lagi kahit nanaiinis na sakin yung iba naming kaibigan…gusto ko siyang alagaan, bantayan”

-         “Lagi ko siyang pinagpapray”

-         “Alagaan mo si (the person I am having a great difficulty understanding these days) Abbie, wag mo siyang pababayaan”

 

Needless to say, God has poured out great love to Fatima to enable her to constantly love her bestfriend. My hat’s off to her about that love she has cultivated.

I am moved to love even the most difficult people to understand, much more, realizing that my students in the future will more likely be among those.

 

Married @ 18

On my "netbook clock" it's 4 minutes before my 18th birthday officially ends.

I'm too excited to blog for the first time using this netbook to keep this until tomorrow but at the same time I'm really too sleepy to make a long narrative.

In brevity, the way I've spend my 18th birthday is a special usual day. I did the usual thing- go to church and see people like it's an ordinary Sunday. Nothing so extraordinary since I even didn't have  a "blowout". 

Who made this day very special are the people who gave me their warmest greetings and made their own little way of making me feel like a princess.

But one thing that I can't get off my mind is the weird thing I should have considered unusual using my 16 year old, old self perspective- I'm not married @ 18.

I'm not sure if I delivered that one clear. Marrying when I turn 18 was my plan when I was 16! Haha. Laugh all you can 'cause I already had my share of laughter at the thought of my past!

I'm just too blessed that God had never let go of me especially during that stray, crazy days of mine. The Lord's steadfast love has carried me through every new year of my life. And from my turning point at age 16 up til now that I'm 18, He has planted in my heart His dreams for me that are far greater and grander than the unthinking illusion of being married at 18.:) 

In sickness and in health (May 7,2012)

It is a wonder that whatever God allows to happen in our lives, be it good or bad, He never fails to bring with it insights and revelations. But unlike our ultra mega super instant world, God does not reveal things in a blink of an eye. It would take seeking, humbling and waiting on our part.

            I’ve been sick for two days, and in my sickness one major thing He revealed to me is that it takes sickness to make me realize that I’ve been taking my health for granted.

            I thought hard why God would allow my head to ache SO BAD and my cough to come back to life. Why Lord? Have I sinned? What do you want to tell me through my sickness?

            The superficial and obvious issue here is that I’m not taking good care of the Holy Spirit’s temple. I’ve lost track when my immune system started becoming weaker but unquestionably, it has something to do with my unhealthy habits.

            Fruits, vegetables, water, exercise- I don’t love these. Yet God loves me so much to warn me this early to watch my health. (The peril it can cause me in the future could be more unbearable if I don’t take action now!) In line with this need-to-eat-drink-and-do list is the caution that flashed in my mind: “Control your eating.”

            I am both the under and over eater. I either eat a lot or lose my appetite when I’m stressed or too emotional.

            This warning from God is like a very loud alarm that has awaken me from a deep slumber. It compelled me to be vigilant enough to watch my health.

            A deeper message of God has been revealed to me given that “seeking, humbling and waiting” process I’ve written earlier. On my 2^nd day of sickness, God made me think of a brain clogged with phlegm. How disgusting and painful is that! I cringe at the thought that it is my brain. Yet it could be anyone’s brain. He showed me how this “phlegm-clogged brain” is similar to a brain filled with negative thoughts. Any brain unoccupied by God’s Word. It can make you sick in your actions and perception. You can look physically well but you could possess such mind! This mind that inhibits you to function as a normal child of God.

            Then I longed for my mind to be cleared.

            I was determined to surrender my negative mind. And my prayer was “Lord, fill me with Your thoughts, fill me with Your Words.” I didn’t want phlegm to clog my brain!

            I knew that God used this sickness for my effective learning. Yes, we children of God do not change/learn overnight. Yet this seeming happening sped up my realization and obedience. It was a catalyst to positive results.

            So yesterday I learned to eat fruits (not biscuit) after a meal (and it was the unusual enough meal:), I exercised this morning, drank pineapple calamansi shake and finally I’m starting to re-memorize Bible verses in order to get rid of the phlegm-clogged mind.

            Truly, in sickness and in health, God speaks, God works.

            

Mahaba. I. No. To me.

February 18, 2012. It’s like the typical exam day you want to “get over and done with”. The process? By means of fast forward in time. If only time machine was readily available (and indeed existing) to let you travel to the 19^th of February 2012, when MINT is over and you can’t help but congratulate yourself that you have gone through it alive.

That was how I dreaded the Manila INTervarsity. I imagined Jurassic predators a.k.a “debaters” from prestigious Universities such as Ateneo, UP (Diliman, LB, Manila), La Salle, UST and “what have you”.

When the plenary room was jam-packed, I smelled blood and dread altogether. There were traces of pride and haughtiness around the corners: the tendencies of overly intelligent and analytical people to fail in maintaining the normal size of their heads.

For me: PNU A: Kuya Marco, Andrea, Ate Mae, PNU B: Mara, Pat, Kat, PNU C: Ate Eme, Korn, Ate Ionah and PNU Adjudicators: Ate Lyka, Wilcel and Mary Anicete (as printed in the name plate) were seemingly tame animals in the back row, yet to be wild. Looks after all, can really be deceiving.

The organizers announced the new Adjudication system: Every adjudicator will be given 5 minutes to deliver his/her  adjudication and the debaters will rate him/her. This is in contrast to last year wherein the panel were graded by the Chief Adjudicator who was the only one to deliver the adjudication and be graded by the debaters. Spell nerve-racking!

There were 4 rounds for predation, I mean debate. Prep time was 30 minutes. Motions of opposing teams were determined through veto. Room assignments and Adj allocations were projected on the screen.

As I try to remember the events, the rounds, I seem to relive the feelings of fear, pressure and discomfort. These are my very feelings while listening to the debaters and preparing for my 1^st adjudication for the opposing teams of UP Manila and DLSU. Like a child, I was desperate to call on my Father, but unlike a child, I had to stop myself from crying and had to carry on with my life. Throughout the rounds, I have witnessed “head-on” debates (leaning to above average), great debaters and adjudicators far, far, far, far, far, far, better than I am.

Intimidated. Inferior. Inadequate. Incapable. I – meant all these four. It is the initial feeling of an individual whose character is being crushed. Yes, I did pray, did ask for others to pray for me, but God’s answer to my want for success is NO. NO

The day dragged on. I was happy we survived. Even happier that for the 1^st time, the fruit of Sir Ali’s and the Alumni’s labor has finally been ready for harvest. One of our teams (PNU A) was able to break for the 2^nd day of MINT.

And ONE Adj was able to adjudicate up to the semi-finals.

Boom. Pride crushed.

Lord, how could you let me go through this? Why? Why?

The initial reaction of a child not given what she wanted and instead left crying in a corner.

The Adj that was able to “break” is my friend. She’s just like me, A sophomore. A new trainee. A 1^st timer in MINT.

This fact that she CAN and I CAN’T heightened my inferiority. Yes, who am I to compare, but this is human nature. Or should I say, this is a character of mine sealed in my subconscious.

My bus travel after MINT was falling asleep after crying rivers of tears.

Literally, I felt my heart broken. I felt that I wanted the bus to take the route of eternity or of vanishing. I wanted to die. NO, I felt dead. It was worse than any heart break caused by stupid love.

This- is my character. It’s me. It’s who I AM that’s being crushed down. My whole being. Not a lone part of me nor of my heart.

But before I make this “come-back entry” a tragic account of my brokenness and EMOting, let me speed up the happy ending.

The best way I could relay the sum of insights God gave me (or insisted on giving me) is through sharing the letter I asked of Him that Sunday night when I didn’t know what to do. I asked of Him to speak to me as I wrote in my journal:

Dear Abbie,

                I love you deeply.

                I willed this painful phase of your life because you need it. Yes it is for my glory. But this glory is when you experience Me in a deeper level, grow in your faith and knowledge of Me.

                When you are weeping, I am weeping even more.

                I am troubled to see you sad, but this sadness will turn out for good. For your greater happiness. For your fruition and growth.

                Thank you for trying to listen to me though your emotions try to get in the way.

                You are in a state of death but I am the Resurrection and Life. I am your Victory and Hope.

                The things that this world values are incomparable to the glory of the Father.

                I knew all along this would happen. I got your back.

                MINT didn’t break you. I am breaking you to make you.

                To let you know I am your God.

                I am sufficiency, confidence, I AM.

                I am humbling you. I am humbling you.

                I will exalt you at the proper time.

                For now, rest in my care, at the foot of My throne, receive my covering, love and comfort.

                I will comfort you Abbie.

                WE will get through this, Child.

                                                                                                                                                                                -God.

                The river of tears, too, passed.

                The brokenness, worth enduring, when you’re closest to Him.

 

Eye, I, PROBLEM

One day, God may tap you and say, “Hey, my child, there’s something wrong with your eye sight.”

We never knew God as an ophthalmologist, but sure thing He’s all-knowing.

It occurred to me that God did a check-up with my eyes and found out an eye problem.

He revealed it at the time when I was at the brink of my earnest desire for immediate change. Probably, from the beginning of 2012, many of us have listed or simply thought of the changes we want to have this year. Death of old habits,  improvement of weaknesses or even betterment of strengths.

 

The thing that we must be mindful of is drawing the line of our limitations.

I found myself writing this the day God told me of my eye problem:

 

But eyes not on what you lack

                        on whom you still need to be

                        on your weaknesses and hang-ups

 

But eyes on what you already have

                 on  whom you are

                 on your strengths and talents

It is ungratefulness that will fill a heart of a  person whose eyes had been boxed to be desperate for change. When our eyes focus mainly on the things that we need to change in ourselves, we lose track of how extraordinary and talented God has already created us to be. That yearning to be immediately a different person  can even in itself instill hatred to your present self.

 

I was dumbfounded when God led me to Psalm 65.  God did not let me realize how blessed I am because of how he made me. God instead let me realize how I’m blessed beyond my thinking or sight because of the greatness I have in Him.

Our God is so great, so powerful (as it is intricately described in Psalm 65) that not to see it is such a pitiful eye problem.

This eye problem is also  called an “I” Problem. Your eyes get so narrowed with your personal limitations that you can’t meditate on the greatness of your God. Definitely, you are not solely blessed with what you have but you’re EXTREMELY, ABUNDANTLY, AND UNQUESTIONABLY BLESSED because of the God you have in HIM.

Then, it leads us back to God Himself. God loves you and desires to change part of your character but not your whole personality. Be grateful for who you are at present. Remember HE does the change. Doing it by your own strength, forcing it in your own time line will only make you disappointed and frustrated. What we are left with is the responsibility to let Him cure this eye, I,  PROBLEM. Divert. Divert. Eyes to God and not to self.