Healthy Yesses! (Late post)

I’ve recently heard from a professor the term “Healthy No’s”. The term amused me and at the same time marked in my mind since I am the type of person needing intensive classes in the subject “The Art of Saying No”.

This art, even more, is indeed necessary these busy, end-of-first-sem days. Healthy No’s are in demand for invitations from friends that can one way or another hamper your set timeline or goals in finishing things.

I, the very person who has a great difficulty in saying no, also have the sternest self-imposed plan for this week: do all that you can do.

 

However, things did no turn out how I wanted them to. Things turned out as He willed.

Last Wednesday, I was sure of A NO, about the invitation of my Mami and Sisther, for an overnight bonding and fellowship in Mami’shouse. I knew I needed to do my laundry (a huge pile of clothes were waiting on me) and I had a report to focus on.

However, my moody, easily-swayed-self, from a No- Yes – No – answer, ended up with a Yes. There was a great battle in my mind. My Mami and Sistherdid not persuade me to really accept the invitation, yet I was led by circumstances to go with them.

It when I was in the jeepneywith them, going to the house when I finally told myself: this then ended up as a healthy yes!

We are deeply blessed to be gifted by the Lord with friends and sisters-in-Christ who replenish our joy and remind us of the truly important things outside school.

I was reminded that an important subject of my life I am forgetting to focus on is the improvement of my inter-personal skills/ my relationship with other people. In our sharing, my Mami and Sithertalked about their interest in knowing others deeper. I thought that I too, desired that interest in personally knowing my classmates since I turned out to be one of the Top 10 mysterious students in the class that most wanted to get to know more.

I know, it can be my design to be thereserved type. However, I also see the desire in me to reach out to others in order to reach them more for Jesus. I am continuing to really see that our relationships with people matter a lot since no truer impact can be made unless we’ve gained intimacy with their hearts.

It brushed off my mind filled with academic things--- and let me ponder on the things of eternal significance.

Moreover, another healthy yes was made today. In the same manner with my first yes, I arrived at it with the initial NO in my mind.

He continues to let me learn how He always knows better than my plans.

 

I realized how healthy the yes I’ve made today to go at Wild Sons Youth Service with Mami, Sisther, and Sismatebecause of the joy and learning it has brought me and even more---- I took hold of that moment when I longed for His presence ­more than I longed to finish my requirements. Again, my being academic-centred is being broken, to be continually reminded of things of eternal significance, to be reminded of truly important things and to be reminded of being God-centered. Hooray and thank God for the healthy yesses! :)

Mahaba. I. No. To me.

February 18, 2012. It’s like the typical exam day you want to “get over and done with”. The process? By means of fast forward in time. If only time machine was readily available (and indeed existing) to let you travel to the 19^th of February 2012, when MINT is over and you can’t help but congratulate yourself that you have gone through it alive.

That was how I dreaded the Manila INTervarsity. I imagined Jurassic predators a.k.a “debaters” from prestigious Universities such as Ateneo, UP (Diliman, LB, Manila), La Salle, UST and “what have you”.

When the plenary room was jam-packed, I smelled blood and dread altogether. There were traces of pride and haughtiness around the corners: the tendencies of overly intelligent and analytical people to fail in maintaining the normal size of their heads.

For me: PNU A: Kuya Marco, Andrea, Ate Mae, PNU B: Mara, Pat, Kat, PNU C: Ate Eme, Korn, Ate Ionah and PNU Adjudicators: Ate Lyka, Wilcel and Mary Anicete (as printed in the name plate) were seemingly tame animals in the back row, yet to be wild. Looks after all, can really be deceiving.

The organizers announced the new Adjudication system: Every adjudicator will be given 5 minutes to deliver his/her  adjudication and the debaters will rate him/her. This is in contrast to last year wherein the panel were graded by the Chief Adjudicator who was the only one to deliver the adjudication and be graded by the debaters. Spell nerve-racking!

There were 4 rounds for predation, I mean debate. Prep time was 30 minutes. Motions of opposing teams were determined through veto. Room assignments and Adj allocations were projected on the screen.

As I try to remember the events, the rounds, I seem to relive the feelings of fear, pressure and discomfort. These are my very feelings while listening to the debaters and preparing for my 1^st adjudication for the opposing teams of UP Manila and DLSU. Like a child, I was desperate to call on my Father, but unlike a child, I had to stop myself from crying and had to carry on with my life. Throughout the rounds, I have witnessed “head-on” debates (leaning to above average), great debaters and adjudicators far, far, far, far, far, far, better than I am.

Intimidated. Inferior. Inadequate. Incapable. I – meant all these four. It is the initial feeling of an individual whose character is being crushed. Yes, I did pray, did ask for others to pray for me, but God’s answer to my want for success is NO. NO

The day dragged on. I was happy we survived. Even happier that for the 1^st time, the fruit of Sir Ali’s and the Alumni’s labor has finally been ready for harvest. One of our teams (PNU A) was able to break for the 2^nd day of MINT.

And ONE Adj was able to adjudicate up to the semi-finals.

Boom. Pride crushed.

Lord, how could you let me go through this? Why? Why?

The initial reaction of a child not given what she wanted and instead left crying in a corner.

The Adj that was able to “break” is my friend. She’s just like me, A sophomore. A new trainee. A 1^st timer in MINT.

This fact that she CAN and I CAN’T heightened my inferiority. Yes, who am I to compare, but this is human nature. Or should I say, this is a character of mine sealed in my subconscious.

My bus travel after MINT was falling asleep after crying rivers of tears.

Literally, I felt my heart broken. I felt that I wanted the bus to take the route of eternity or of vanishing. I wanted to die. NO, I felt dead. It was worse than any heart break caused by stupid love.

This- is my character. It’s me. It’s who I AM that’s being crushed down. My whole being. Not a lone part of me nor of my heart.

But before I make this “come-back entry” a tragic account of my brokenness and EMOting, let me speed up the happy ending.

The best way I could relay the sum of insights God gave me (or insisted on giving me) is through sharing the letter I asked of Him that Sunday night when I didn’t know what to do. I asked of Him to speak to me as I wrote in my journal:

Dear Abbie,

                I love you deeply.

                I willed this painful phase of your life because you need it. Yes it is for my glory. But this glory is when you experience Me in a deeper level, grow in your faith and knowledge of Me.

                When you are weeping, I am weeping even more.

                I am troubled to see you sad, but this sadness will turn out for good. For your greater happiness. For your fruition and growth.

                Thank you for trying to listen to me though your emotions try to get in the way.

                You are in a state of death but I am the Resurrection and Life. I am your Victory and Hope.

                The things that this world values are incomparable to the glory of the Father.

                I knew all along this would happen. I got your back.

                MINT didn’t break you. I am breaking you to make you.

                To let you know I am your God.

                I am sufficiency, confidence, I AM.

                I am humbling you. I am humbling you.

                I will exalt you at the proper time.

                For now, rest in my care, at the foot of My throne, receive my covering, love and comfort.

                I will comfort you Abbie.

                WE will get through this, Child.

                                                                                                                                                                                -God.

                The river of tears, too, passed.

                The brokenness, worth enduring, when you’re closest to Him.

 

HIS Practical Test

Minutes ago, I told a classmate that I'll start reviewing, for it is the only clear thing that I can and I NEED to do now. 

But, 

I just can't.

Now is the very time I just want to burst out and cry and disappear and ...

It is stress.

Yes it is.

A reality we can so often ignore or try to rationalize or not even notice.

I am at loss for words. Or I do not just want to say piling tasks, busyness, unending to-do-lists again.(I just typed it, didn't I?)

I try to seek comfort, enlightenment, from where then it can come from?

I am only brought to one concrete realization.

PRAGMATISM.

If I added question marks to your brain, I'm sorry. But it's the very one word I could think of.

It has something to do with LEARNING through PRACTICE / practical application.

I had for so numerous, countless times (in much exaggeration) wrote of so many things regarding doing things with, for and because of the Lord, about God helping us, about Him as our comfort and strength and all ideologies, beliefs and principles in Christian life and studies.

I am grieved that at one point or in many instances, these things stay as mere knowledge. Idealistic ideas. Will they come to a reality in our lives or stay as what has been termed as mere "COGNITION" of the brain?

We learn things by doing, We know we learned if there is a change that took place.

What is happening at this very moment is God's practical test for me to apply the lessons, insights He had given me so generously. 

We stop just knowing. We start acting on what we know and believe in.

God's Words and the insights He gives are really meant to change lives.

May I continue to be changed through His practical tests. (especially on this one--- stress, studies)

The hurly-burly of life

   Hurly-burly? What does it mean? You might ask.

            Don’t worry; I’ve never known that word ‘till I started reading Carlos Bulosan’s “America is in the Heart”.

            “Why that book?” You may ask again.

            I have several books lined up to be read but this one’s for a requirement in a major subject- so no matter how bad I want to read other books, I have no choice but to stick with it. But at least, I think the book interests me as much as it makes my brain think hard. (History, you know)

            So somewhere on the third page of the book’s introduction lies this word “Hurly-burly”. My able dictionary defines it as “confusion”.

            Thus, the title of my “come-back” blog is somehow like “The confusion of life”.

 

            My “unblogged” days were somewhat mixtures of uncertain situations in a seemingly unknown zone God has brought me in.

           

            “In the span of days, weeks that have passed, things to me seemed dark, unclear and timeless. There was no definite enlightenment to where I was heading to. Everything seemed drowned in darkness and obscurity. I was racing through a tunnel in which the end was so far… I could not possibly reach. Was even the end --- light? Is this triumph even existent or the tunnel would go on… and on?

            I could have posed only question mark symbols or spirals of infinite mystery – for that was the only thing clear to me in my recent journey - - - - confusion.” – I quote from one of my journal entries. (Oh how emo the human heart, my human heart can be!)

 

            But epiphany was still there…

            “Now the tunnel is reaching its end. Rejoice! I am seeing light.”

           

            And I do believe now and even more that not a thing shall last confusing in the Christian life. Things will soon make sense, God will reveal why such things happen, in His time.

 

            So that was one of the reasons for my absence in blogging aside from my lack of time and access to the Internet.

            Back to the book-reading I have mentioned since the start of my entry, these are actually days when there are few………………………………………….. hours to sleep and relax. Before we could enjoy the Semester break, we have to endure the harrowing requirements asked of the 1^st Semester. Busy is spelled E-V-E-R-Y-D-A-Y.

            I will never forget that certain day in class last week when we’ve listed all that we had to do (by date) on the board and Whoa! It was overwhelming! I doubt if there will be a time to breathe these coming weeks.

 

            “Hurly-burly” isn’t far in these situations in life.

            “What will I do first? Is it this, that, or WHAT?”

           

            But then, as a class, we did nothing but prayer after planning our tasks.

            We’ll be so busy it will be impossible for us not to pray. (From the words of Abraham Lincoln)

            And so as individuals – I know no better remedy but prayer.

 

            God told me four things these days:

(1)   One step at a time

(2)   Enjoy working

(3)   Do not do things to simply “get things done”, learn from work!

(4)   Let ME join you in your work and Trust in ME completely

 

 

-Studies as a means to glorify Him not Him as a means to excel in studies-

 

Amidst this hurly-burly of life, may it be in our personal life, in school or in whatever aspect, it will be safest and most exciting if the journey is with, for and because of Him. Thank your incredible God. He is not too busy that He does not have time to help you and me!

 

            *Pardon the scattered -brained writer. This is the effect of not being able to write for a month, oh nearly a month! Tsk. J

God at Work

“Keeping my right hand from writing an account of the learning gems I’ve sought in my blessed days (which is supposed to be everyday) is like a headache. I could not just be unmindful about it.

Attempts to go on with other business would endure for days, weeks, but for months --- I’d barely call myself living. I’d be a puff of existence with an unresolved headache making myself more meaningless and insignificant.  It (writing) has always been the missing piece in the bigger picture of my life. I could go on like the whole picture is almost at its best- complete, but that small detail lost, I cannot possibly let go.”

So I write again. Well, I write lectures, assignments, to-do-lists, journal, blabber, and doodles but it’s again a long time since I wrote something special-------that can be preserved in my blog.

As I reflect on the above outpour of my heart, I see that I’m being too hard on myself. Not being able to write would mean disappointment. How can such be a strengthening passion if it also becomes my often source of frustration? *to be answered*

Things in the past can’t be undone.

I got to keep that in mind. If I wasn’t able to write about noteworthy events/experiences that had passed I can keep track with the new.

Ironically, I’ll write about --- this previous week. Hehe.

I’ve been on vacation for three days, 2 days (Monday, Tuesday) were intentional absences due to my emotional sickness, and Wednesday was God’s bonus (the rest I was hoping for but I wasn’t patient enough to wait). 

I was thinking I missed home and I needed rest. Plus, the pressure and negative emotions were blazing inside of me and I wasn’t able to deal with them properly. So that’s what I mean with my emotional sickness.

The bonus in these two days is that I had a very sweet time with my Lord and I had spent real quality time with Him.

Teeming realizations flood my journal- but I pick out the best two:

(1) Life without pressure is boring- not the life I would like to live and (2) The Lord is working hard to change me.

(1)- I missed studying, being busy, reading, having my mind stimulated by the professors’ questions and by our lessons. I can’t imagine my life now without studying!

(2)- I’ve opened my previous journal and I have seen the very same emotional struggles I had in the last weeks of July 2010 (freshmen). God is pruning me. It is my response to it that will either make or break me. Last year was mistake --- now, I need to respond positively.

I’m just in awe of Him this previous week. He is working wonders in my life. I am thrilled and challenged in the changes God desires for me. He is indeed at work! He sharpens my mind and strengthens my heart. :)

 

 

The Principle of OVERLOAD

            Countless, numerous thoughts have been lingering on my mind from the very start of this busy week. I didn't have time to readily  pour out my heart and express it all in writing because I was full-packed with school works wherein computer time meant research and more research. (kincareer ang pagka-busy :])

          But after the blast of busyness, I can now let out a sigh. I had some form of celebration yesterday with my new found Christian friends and classmates. [Mcdo again?! :D]

"God has people for His people." and "Haloo! New friends! New sisters in Christ :) uhm... I enjoyed our conversation :)" - I quote from their dearest text messages :))

          God is just so good! Just when I feel alone or heavy - He suddenly makes me smile and makes me see that everything will be alright especially with the friends - great blessings He intentionally designed to be my classmates!

          Well, I was supposed to write about it yesterday, but I wast stuck in reading Ate Joan's blogs and in thinking of what exactly from the "countless, numerous thoughts" I'll write.

          What has been dominating my mind is "The Principle of Overload" that our Sports and Recreation professor mentioned yesterday. So I'll stick with it and it's the culprit why I entitled my blog this way :D.

          Simply put and in relation to real life, this principle means that the more pressure or difficulties in life we encounter, the better we become in handling such and the greater the growth.

          To me, God has impressed a different kind of Overload Principle. The Overload Principle- God's version.

          As it had been echoing in my daily thoughts (from a quotation or something I've read once):

          "Nothing starts easy. Everything begins with some level of difficulty."

          Waking up and having my devotion early in the morning takes a lot of "Lord. five more minutes please?". Taking a bath takes me moments of staring blankly before I could drench myself in water. Walking inside the classroom, being with new classmates and new professors would need a lot of boost in self-confidence on my part and especially adjustment.  Making assignments, researches, and reports would never be so easy that you could take them so lightly.

          It isn't even a weak that we're having classes but I could feel that this beginning is an overload for me.
         
          But once very early in the morning, when I still needed to read my report and some research, I could not utter anything in my prayer, except, "Lord, I surrender... I can't do anything." (I could vividly remember how heavy I felt)

          God's principle when He gives you an overload is to make you fall down on your knees and say "All I need is You Lord."

          It makes you like a child dependent to a father, and it brings you closest to Him, aware and desperate for His presence wherever you go and whatever you do.

          God's almost tangible pat on my back and very clear message for me were His words:

Psalm 10
          12 Arise O Lord, O God, lift up your hand, forget not the afflicted.
          14 ... to you the helpless commits himself; you have been the helper of the fatherless.
          16 The Lord is king forever and ever...
          17 O Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted, you will strengthen their heart, you will incline your ear.

          I shared it to a friend of mine and she told me God's message to her about our situation. God said that if she was in a regular class she would trust her own strength and capabilities, but now that God has placed her to where we are now - she would not trust herself  but God.

          That is also what God wants to tells us. An overload for us is not even the slightest piece of cake for Him. [It's an easier than the easiest load for Him] An overload leads us in total, complete dependence to Him and nothingness without Him.

          And I thought, God isn't selfish He wants you to have a pressuring overload because He just wants (as in demanding and controlling you to do so) you to trust Him. An overload is inevitable and in fact, it is always there.

          Two choices exist - carry it all by yourself or throw it all to God and depend on Him fully.
          There never existed another better choice than the latter.