Mahaba. I. No. To me.

February 18, 2012. It’s like the typical exam day you want to “get over and done with”. The process? By means of fast forward in time. If only time machine was readily available (and indeed existing) to let you travel to the 19^th of February 2012, when MINT is over and you can’t help but congratulate yourself that you have gone through it alive.

That was how I dreaded the Manila INTervarsity. I imagined Jurassic predators a.k.a “debaters” from prestigious Universities such as Ateneo, UP (Diliman, LB, Manila), La Salle, UST and “what have you”.

When the plenary room was jam-packed, I smelled blood and dread altogether. There were traces of pride and haughtiness around the corners: the tendencies of overly intelligent and analytical people to fail in maintaining the normal size of their heads.

For me: PNU A: Kuya Marco, Andrea, Ate Mae, PNU B: Mara, Pat, Kat, PNU C: Ate Eme, Korn, Ate Ionah and PNU Adjudicators: Ate Lyka, Wilcel and Mary Anicete (as printed in the name plate) were seemingly tame animals in the back row, yet to be wild. Looks after all, can really be deceiving.

The organizers announced the new Adjudication system: Every adjudicator will be given 5 minutes to deliver his/her  adjudication and the debaters will rate him/her. This is in contrast to last year wherein the panel were graded by the Chief Adjudicator who was the only one to deliver the adjudication and be graded by the debaters. Spell nerve-racking!

There were 4 rounds for predation, I mean debate. Prep time was 30 minutes. Motions of opposing teams were determined through veto. Room assignments and Adj allocations were projected on the screen.

As I try to remember the events, the rounds, I seem to relive the feelings of fear, pressure and discomfort. These are my very feelings while listening to the debaters and preparing for my 1^st adjudication for the opposing teams of UP Manila and DLSU. Like a child, I was desperate to call on my Father, but unlike a child, I had to stop myself from crying and had to carry on with my life. Throughout the rounds, I have witnessed “head-on” debates (leaning to above average), great debaters and adjudicators far, far, far, far, far, far, better than I am.

Intimidated. Inferior. Inadequate. Incapable. I – meant all these four. It is the initial feeling of an individual whose character is being crushed. Yes, I did pray, did ask for others to pray for me, but God’s answer to my want for success is NO. NO

The day dragged on. I was happy we survived. Even happier that for the 1^st time, the fruit of Sir Ali’s and the Alumni’s labor has finally been ready for harvest. One of our teams (PNU A) was able to break for the 2^nd day of MINT.

And ONE Adj was able to adjudicate up to the semi-finals.

Boom. Pride crushed.

Lord, how could you let me go through this? Why? Why?

The initial reaction of a child not given what she wanted and instead left crying in a corner.

The Adj that was able to “break” is my friend. She’s just like me, A sophomore. A new trainee. A 1^st timer in MINT.

This fact that she CAN and I CAN’T heightened my inferiority. Yes, who am I to compare, but this is human nature. Or should I say, this is a character of mine sealed in my subconscious.

My bus travel after MINT was falling asleep after crying rivers of tears.

Literally, I felt my heart broken. I felt that I wanted the bus to take the route of eternity or of vanishing. I wanted to die. NO, I felt dead. It was worse than any heart break caused by stupid love.

This- is my character. It’s me. It’s who I AM that’s being crushed down. My whole being. Not a lone part of me nor of my heart.

But before I make this “come-back entry” a tragic account of my brokenness and EMOting, let me speed up the happy ending.

The best way I could relay the sum of insights God gave me (or insisted on giving me) is through sharing the letter I asked of Him that Sunday night when I didn’t know what to do. I asked of Him to speak to me as I wrote in my journal:

Dear Abbie,

                I love you deeply.

                I willed this painful phase of your life because you need it. Yes it is for my glory. But this glory is when you experience Me in a deeper level, grow in your faith and knowledge of Me.

                When you are weeping, I am weeping even more.

                I am troubled to see you sad, but this sadness will turn out for good. For your greater happiness. For your fruition and growth.

                Thank you for trying to listen to me though your emotions try to get in the way.

                You are in a state of death but I am the Resurrection and Life. I am your Victory and Hope.

                The things that this world values are incomparable to the glory of the Father.

                I knew all along this would happen. I got your back.

                MINT didn’t break you. I am breaking you to make you.

                To let you know I am your God.

                I am sufficiency, confidence, I AM.

                I am humbling you. I am humbling you.

                I will exalt you at the proper time.

                For now, rest in my care, at the foot of My throne, receive my covering, love and comfort.

                I will comfort you Abbie.

                WE will get through this, Child.

                                                                                                                                                                                -God.

                The river of tears, too, passed.

                The brokenness, worth enduring, when you’re closest to Him.

 

THE FIGURES aren’t paramount

Waiting is a task wherein you do nothing, but ironically, it is one that is most tiring. Staring in oblivion for hours, waiting for a bus that will never seem to arrive--- it is a picture that’ll perfectly fit my “Most Dreaded Times Album”. I thought, probably, the very thing that makes it intolerable is the fact that you do nothing but wait. I wish I could use my phone and text then--- but I had no load, read --- but it was too dark, write--- but it was so absurd to write on the street. So the minutes, hours, dragged on in mere waiting.

                It was interesting on the other hand that I realized --- I missed this very “dreaded time”. It was my routine last school year – racing with passengers on a Friday which I don’t do especially these school days except last night.

                The loss of things we’ve grown accustomed to could sometimes make us ‘homesick’ about them. Then, I’m sure I have a lot to miss about our 1^st quarter that had just ended last August 11, 2011.

                First, I’ll be homesick of our 4 HOURS BREAK (M, T, and F). Usually, it’s our time to eat at either of the SMs – San Marcelino Karinderyas or SM Mall. It also had been my Office Warehouse or National Bookstore Time for my “repressed obsessions” with school supplies. And typical of students, it’s our time for supposed-to-be reviewing turned into chit-chat mode/ sleeping sessions in the library.

                Secondly, and most importantly, I’ll miss our two subjects: Foundations of Education and Child & Adolescent Learning.

                I’ll miss the ever-generous sharing of thoughts and insights in Ma’am Calapardo’s 4-5:30 pm class. (A professor that reminds me of our T.L.E Teacher in high school)

                And our last but equally racing class for generosity of sharing knowledge and ideas: Dr. Joven’s class. Though some buffering occurs in his class . . . . . . . his gentlest approach to students somehow outweighs it. In case you haven’t met him and of you’ll never meet him, you’ll be losing the chance to meet the KINDEST professor in the whole wide world of PNU. (Ask my classmates.)

                Aside from these things to be missed, God asked me to leave some things behind in the experimental first quarter that had just ended.

                Particularly, they have something to do with “THE Figures”.

                One instance, you may feel like throwing off a feast when you had the “highest score” in an exam. High grades, good grades --- they’re wonderful. But they’re not everything. One thing, don’t let them get into your head and another; don’t get boxed within these figures.

                They’re not the most significant thing in this world.  And there are also three things that these figures won’t mean:

                (1) You fulfilled your purpose in life with high grades.

                (2) You have truly learned and gained good study habits.

                (3) You have been productive.

                The things that God asked me to leave have something to do with these three:

                Focus, Balance, Feasibility – interchange the first letters for mnemonics: BFF. :D

                The sad thing is, we can become so focused about studies that our minds merely revolve around finishing this and that, reviewing this and that. God was making me realize - - - HE is the main topic of life and studies is a subtitle. Don’t interchange it.

                I am moved by the reminder that I may be using Him as a means to an end - - - praying for Him to enable me to finish my to-do-lists and never really have time to listen to His agenda for me.

                “Martha, Martha, you are so anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:41

                I could hear God saying “Abbie, Abbie, you are so anxious and troubled about many things…” and the very same thing He told Martha. And what was Mary doing you may ask:

                Mary was listening to Jesus. (v.39)

                I was being asked by God to have a clear cut FOCUS. My purpose? Love God, love people. (Luke 10:27) It only means I won’t be too busy studying that I have no time to help others.

                 Second is our God of Order asking me to leave my idle, slothful way of spending time during our break. You have read about the sneak peek of my used-to-be 4 HOURS break right? This second quarter, we’ll have one hour and thirty minutes break --- God wants me to optimize using it. You see, God isn’t merely concerned about things being in order. In Ecclesiastes 3, He desires we have a BALANCE for the distribution of our precious time. It’s because He knows our very tendencies to procrastination, laziness and cramming! When He desires balance, He desires us to have enough time for both rest and work. Delaying work has never done any good to any person that ever existed in this world ---- it was delaying gratification that always had!

                Lastly, is regarding FEASIBILITY. It is through our Prof Ed 1 Class (Foundations of Education) that I have come to realize, I’m very much of an idealistic person. I see myself tackling my whole life at once, planning to finish ALL that I had to do overnight. My to-do-lists never came to a completion. What I’m planning is always too idealistic. CONCRETE, FEASIBLE, ATTAINABLE plans, God tells me. I need to leave my unrealistic plans behind. Romans 12:2 and Philippians 4:8 are the two verses I’ll hold on to this.

                BALANCE, FOCUS, FEASIBILITY - my “BFF” for the Second quarter.

                The thing is ---- “THE Figures” aren’t paramount.

MUCH THAT I’VE MISSED

                 If there’s one thing that I’ve missed so badly and long so much for – it is you, writing.

                I feel like a novice learning to write again. I couldn’t help but fuss about the NOTEWORTHY events I’ve missed to blog about. It is weird that days, weeks seemed to be months and years that I’ve not written. =(

                Well, I’d love to squeeze them all here in a fast-phase manner and in much brevity lest I make a novel out of the rushing ideas I have in mind.

The Aftershock of the Haircut

                My daily entrance in the school campus has never been as nerve-racking as it was during the first day of classes. June 21, Tuesday, was an exception. Aside from the unusual feeling of absence of hair or the surprise of not needing to comb my hair until my shoulders (I don’t even need a comb), my hair cut made me hesitant and nervous to enter our school gate.

                It was a blast: random comments from different people and to think- more are still to follow since I have not seen my S.I.S family yet.

                The randomness:

                “Bagay sa’yo, Di bagay sa’yo, Sayang ang buhok mo, Hala!, Di kita nakilala, Andy of Coffee Prince, Katie Holmes of i-don’t-have-a-clue-about, Jamie of Secret Garden, Handsome, Pogi, Bieber, Boyfriend” and several more I could not all reiterate.

2 Specific Comments made me curious:

One: I look more matured.

Two: I look more like a teacher.

Pretty weird, aren’t they?

And the generalization I made is this:

Friends/ people who have seen me for so long with a long hair hardly accepted my new haircut and a number of them had the violent of the most violent of all reactions. (They’re braver to tell me the truth huh?) :D

But the real aftershock of my hair cut is God telling me at the end of the day:

                “Daughter, in whose eyes are you trying to be great or beautiful after all?”

People have different comments and reactions regarding our actions and behavior but whose opinion matter most to us? People or God’s?

The Aftershock of FALCON

                Because of Falcon, I was no longer an ignorant or newbie in terms of walking in flooded streets especially that of San Marcelino and along our school. I assumed such things will only exist in the news or on the television screen and never on the realm of my reality and personal experience. But it was, an unlikely, unforgettable adventure for me J.

                The storm was really fierce. It was relentless. It stopped me from going home that Thursday night, June 23. I desired to make an article about my complete experience about it but I failed to do so. So here was the aftershock learning that God reminded me:

Eyes off self: When you are overwhelmed by your own emotions and difficulty, have time to pause and reflect that others might be experiencing something worse! Never be too self-absorbed that you forget to offer a helping hand. There were many Filipino people who were badly affected by the storm- and time wasted in complaining should be used in praying for them.

Acculturation

                This is our report in our ESL (English as a Second Language), I have nothing to do but smile at the thought that this topic somehow made me WAKE UP from the deep slumber I was having.

                Why was I unable to write? It’s because of the 2^nd stage of Acculturation – culture shock. Past the “excitement or euphoria” over the newness of 2^nd year life, lately I’ve been in “culture stress”.

                Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday – I am required to be at school. I stay 6 days in the dormitory. These spell NOSTALGIA (my recent status) and STRESS – the battle I’m going through (which I was not much vocal about). I couldn’t find time to write, to rest and relax. I ought to keep running…

                The sad part is I was really down and though I was not uttering complains, I was feeling them, deep inside me. The plus factor with the weight of my burden is the training in Debate Society every Wednesday afternoon and Saturday, whole day.

Talk about “breaking me to make me” – breaking my fears, shyness, emotional weakness and building a brave, confident and strong me. I’d probably write more about these debate experiences but this is something I’ve created at the intensity of my emotions right then:

“When I look at the heaviness of the challenge at hand, I get to feel the nerves and the pressure. On the other hand, as I look at the better, abler me, after going through it, I can’t help but to be excited and inspired.”

The promise I was left to hold on these past weeks is: “But because of God’s love we are not consumed.”

I’m on a space shuttle ride (the ‘deadliest ride’ I coined) that I can never postpone or stop. I need to go through it. But I was not consumed and I will never be because God loves me, so much. And that is the only thing constant at this very point of my life.

To My Future Students

To my future students,

                On an ordinary school day like this you may feel like you don’t want to go to school anymore. It could be one morning when you didn't want to get up, prepare and attend your classes.  That very instance when you just want to stop time and run away from the pressure of studies.

                My dear students, you are not alone. I too, felt it.

                Today as I woke up, I was decided to stay on my bed, probably for eternity.

                My heart was telling me that I was down and defeated while my mind was telling me to move and keep going.

                There exist daily the crossroads of life. The right thing to do or the one that feels good and seems right in your own eyes: which journey will you tread?

                The power to choose which road to take lies in your very hands.

                My future students, be reminded that at these crossroads, Wisdom stands, Wisdom calls. The faintest, softest voice that tells you to persevere and do right (which is the exact thing you don’t feel like doing) is God Himself whispering in love and concern.

                I am still in second year college, on the process of adjustment in this new school year. But I write to you in hope that years from now you’ll reach this point where I am right now. Please, do not give up. Though I know you’ll reach some point of feeling it like I did, but please, never give up. Don’t give in to the temptation of choosing the World’s Wisdom over God’s Wisdom. Though at times you may fail to do so, persist to keep yourself aimed at the narrow gate.

                I am here at present and the road I am taking, you soon will take.

                I know the frailties of our hearts, how weak-willed our flesh can be. But I also know and witness God’s love hovering amidst all these.

                I know you will see His love when you’re about to skip classes and suddenly you still attended them. You can see Him in the move of your hands as you do an assignment. You can see Him in the good health you possess and the allowance He provides just so you can continue to study. You’ll see His love every time you pause and reflect: “God sustains me to continue living and studying even if I don’t ask Him to.”

                But dear student, please I warn you, listen to Wisdom as she stands at the crossroads of your daily life. Listen to her, keep her ways. God’s love is abundant, but favor, hope and a bright future is lacking to those who are content to be a fool.

                You cannot trust what you feel for these lies will only destroy and deceive you. You cannot trust your wisdom for it can be foolishness. Instead, listen and trust what God, our Great Teacher has to say.

                I know no better roadmap to life and to the daily crossroads ahead of you and me than His Roadmap. (The Bible my dear students)

                I pray that the Great Teacher may speak to you. I promised Him that I’ll not give up studying and living my purpose for Him and for all of you.

 

Hoping to teach you soon,

Your future teacher

P.S.

“Never let go of a dream until you’re ready to wake up and make it happen.”

“Blessed is the one who listens to me (Wisdom), watching daily at my gates, waiting beside my doors. For whoever finds me finds life; and obtains favor from the Lord, but he who fails to find me injures himself; all who hate me love death.”

Proverbs 8: 34 - 36 

The Principle of OVERLOAD

            Countless, numerous thoughts have been lingering on my mind from the very start of this busy week. I didn't have time to readily  pour out my heart and express it all in writing because I was full-packed with school works wherein computer time meant research and more research. (kincareer ang pagka-busy :])

          But after the blast of busyness, I can now let out a sigh. I had some form of celebration yesterday with my new found Christian friends and classmates. [Mcdo again?! :D]

"God has people for His people." and "Haloo! New friends! New sisters in Christ :) uhm... I enjoyed our conversation :)" - I quote from their dearest text messages :))

          God is just so good! Just when I feel alone or heavy - He suddenly makes me smile and makes me see that everything will be alright especially with the friends - great blessings He intentionally designed to be my classmates!

          Well, I was supposed to write about it yesterday, but I wast stuck in reading Ate Joan's blogs and in thinking of what exactly from the "countless, numerous thoughts" I'll write.

          What has been dominating my mind is "The Principle of Overload" that our Sports and Recreation professor mentioned yesterday. So I'll stick with it and it's the culprit why I entitled my blog this way :D.

          Simply put and in relation to real life, this principle means that the more pressure or difficulties in life we encounter, the better we become in handling such and the greater the growth.

          To me, God has impressed a different kind of Overload Principle. The Overload Principle- God's version.

          As it had been echoing in my daily thoughts (from a quotation or something I've read once):

          "Nothing starts easy. Everything begins with some level of difficulty."

          Waking up and having my devotion early in the morning takes a lot of "Lord. five more minutes please?". Taking a bath takes me moments of staring blankly before I could drench myself in water. Walking inside the classroom, being with new classmates and new professors would need a lot of boost in self-confidence on my part and especially adjustment.  Making assignments, researches, and reports would never be so easy that you could take them so lightly.

          It isn't even a weak that we're having classes but I could feel that this beginning is an overload for me.
         
          But once very early in the morning, when I still needed to read my report and some research, I could not utter anything in my prayer, except, "Lord, I surrender... I can't do anything." (I could vividly remember how heavy I felt)

          God's principle when He gives you an overload is to make you fall down on your knees and say "All I need is You Lord."

          It makes you like a child dependent to a father, and it brings you closest to Him, aware and desperate for His presence wherever you go and whatever you do.

          God's almost tangible pat on my back and very clear message for me were His words:

Psalm 10
          12 Arise O Lord, O God, lift up your hand, forget not the afflicted.
          14 ... to you the helpless commits himself; you have been the helper of the fatherless.
          16 The Lord is king forever and ever...
          17 O Lord, you hear the desire of the afflicted, you will strengthen their heart, you will incline your ear.

          I shared it to a friend of mine and she told me God's message to her about our situation. God said that if she was in a regular class she would trust her own strength and capabilities, but now that God has placed her to where we are now - she would not trust herself  but God.

          That is also what God wants to tells us. An overload for us is not even the slightest piece of cake for Him. [It's an easier than the easiest load for Him] An overload leads us in total, complete dependence to Him and nothingness without Him.

          And I thought, God isn't selfish He wants you to have a pressuring overload because He just wants (as in demanding and controlling you to do so) you to trust Him. An overload is inevitable and in fact, it is always there.

          Two choices exist - carry it all by yourself or throw it all to God and depend on Him fully.
          There never existed another better choice than the latter.