February 18, 2012. It’s like the typical exam day you want to “get over and done with”. The process? By means of fast forward in time. If only time machine was readily available (and indeed existing) to let you travel to the 19th of February 2012, when MINT is over and you can’t help but congratulate yourself that you have gone through it alive.
That was how I dreaded the Manila INTervarsity. I imagined Jurassic predators a.k.a “debaters” from prestigious Universities such as Ateneo, UP (Diliman, LB, Manila), La Salle, UST and “what have you”.
When the plenary room was jam-packed, I smelled blood and dread altogether. There were traces of pride and haughtiness around the corners: the tendencies of overly intelligent and analytical people to fail in maintaining the normal size of their heads.
For me: PNU A: Kuya Marco, Andrea, Ate Mae, PNU B: Mara, Pat, Kat, PNU C: Ate Eme, Korn, Ate Ionah and PNU Adjudicators: Ate Lyka, Wilcel and Mary Anicete (as printed in the name plate) were seemingly tame animals in the back row, yet to be wild. Looks after all, can really be deceiving.
The organizers announced the new Adjudication system: Every adjudicator will be given 5 minutes to deliver his/her adjudication and the debaters will rate him/her. This is in contrast to last year wherein the panel were graded by the Chief Adjudicator who was the only one to deliver the adjudication and be graded by the debaters. Spell nerve-racking!
There were 4 rounds for predation, I mean debate. Prep time was 30 minutes. Motions of opposing teams were determined through veto. Room assignments and Adj allocations were projected on the screen.
As I try to remember the events, the rounds, I seem to relive the feelings of fear, pressure and discomfort. These are my very feelings while listening to the debaters and preparing for my 1st adjudication for the opposing teams of UP Manila and DLSU. Like a child, I was desperate to call on my Father, but unlike a child, I had to stop myself from crying and had to carry on with my life. Throughout the rounds, I have witnessed “head-on” debates (leaning to above average), great debaters and adjudicators far, far, far, far, far, far, better than I am.
Intimidated. Inferior. Inadequate. Incapable. I – meant all these four. It is the initial feeling of an individual whose character is being crushed. Yes, I did pray, did ask for others to pray for me, but God’s answer to my want for success is NO. NO
The day dragged on. I was happy we survived. Even happier that for the 1st time, the fruit of Sir Ali’s and the Alumni’s labor has finally been ready for harvest. One of our teams (PNU A) was able to break for the 2nd day of MINT.
And ONE Adj was able to adjudicate up to the semi-finals.
Boom. Pride crushed.
Lord, how could you let me go through this? Why? Why?
The initial reaction of a child not given what she wanted and instead left crying in a corner.
The Adj that was able to “break” is my friend. She’s just like me, A sophomore. A new trainee. A 1st timer in MINT.
This fact that she CAN and I CAN’T heightened my inferiority. Yes, who am I to compare, but this is human nature. Or should I say, this is a character of mine sealed in my subconscious.
My bus travel after MINT was falling asleep after crying rivers of tears.
Literally, I felt my heart broken. I felt that I wanted the bus to take the route of eternity or of vanishing. I wanted to die. NO, I felt dead. It was worse than any heart break caused by stupid love.
This- is my character. It’s me. It’s who I AM that’s being crushed down. My whole being. Not a lone part of me nor of my heart.
But before I make this “come-back entry” a tragic account of my brokenness and EMOting, let me speed up the happy ending.
The best way I could relay the sum of insights God gave me (or insisted on giving me) is through sharing the letter I asked of Him that Sunday night when I didn’t know what to do. I asked of Him to speak to me as I wrote in my journal:
Dear Abbie,
I love you deeply.
I willed this painful phase of your life because you need it. Yes it is for my glory. But this glory is when you experience Me in a deeper level, grow in your faith and knowledge of Me.
When you are weeping, I am weeping even more.
I am troubled to see you sad, but this sadness will turn out for good. For your greater happiness. For your fruition and growth.
Thank you for trying to listen to me though your emotions try to get in the way.
You are in a state of death but I am the Resurrection and Life. I am your Victory and Hope.
The things that this world values are incomparable to the glory of the Father.
I knew all along this would happen. I got your back.
MINT didn’t break you. I am breaking you to make you.
To let you know I am your God.
I am sufficiency, confidence, I AM.
I am humbling you. I am humbling you.
I will exalt you at the proper time.
For now, rest in my care, at the foot of My throne, receive my covering, love and comfort.
I will comfort you Abbie.
WE will get through this, Child.
-God.
The river of tears, too, passed.
The brokenness, worth enduring, when you’re closest to Him.
