Letters to a Once Broken Heart

I have been writing these past few months about so many things in my life except one thing - my love life. I wonder if you still call it "love life" even if there's not really life in it.

My silence meant that I was not ready to disclose the most fragile parts of me, the most painful part of my life this year. But I think that my long wait to "feeling super okay" before I write again about the matters of my heart is pointless.

This timely post by Jeff Goins is so moving that it made me decide to write again. I decided to write again to help myself and others heal.

I entitled this series of letters "Letters to a Once Broken Heart" because a broken heart does not remain broken unless the owner chooses to let it remain that way. And if I write to such, I fear they’d not find this helpful or even believable. I choose to write to once-broken-but-now-choosing-to-recover hearts.

Here's the first of the many letters I wish to write. The first one being entitled:

Moving on and on and on

Dear you,

You may think that no one can fully understand the way you feel, how deep your pain is and how badly you want to grieve and be miserable about it.
But a once-shattered-getting-whole-hearted-again person like me (I discourage you from calling yourself  "brokenhearted") can very well relate with what you feel and will be able to understand you whether you believe it or not.
Yes, these are times we want to lose control and search all outlets to heal our hearts, to give it pleasure, to make it forget.
Yes, our hearts still bleed at the remembrance or sight of the one who broke it.
Yes, what our mind, soul and body exactly want to do is to feel down and pity one’s self.
And over again, we find ourselves in this cycle of misery.
I’m well aware of this cycle- when we are led back to square one. That is- to continue holding on to pain and settle with being stuck there.

And when I say we’re back to square one, it means that we could have been doing good, our best even, during the previous days, weeks, months, or YEARS in enjoying our lives and moving forward, when suddenly, we come to a halt.

It does happen to us many times in our journey of moving forward. We’re back at that moment of bargain – stick with the pain or grieve at this halt and then get moving again.

At this point, I’m on a halt. I’m back to square one. No one says it’s easy, neither writing about this--- blood is still streaking down my chest.

But I write in hopes to tell you that you’re not alone.
I write in hopes of telling you that the key is not to stop. The halt is a pause to give yourself some time to grieve about what pains you but to give you as well the boost to get back up again.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a masochist. Neither am I an insensitive, unfeeling individual. I have feelings --- deeper than you think I have. I’m not telling you to sternly forget or banning you to deeply feel pain.

I’m telling you to move on and on and on and on and on. I call it that way because I realized that to move on is not a one time, big time step to healing. It’s a daily, an hourly, and a minutely choice we take over again.

And in this road to healing , pauses/halts are natural. They are welcome. They tell you that you’re human. They tell you that you’ve been hurt and that you acknowledge your feelings. But that’s why they’re called pauses- you cannot and must not dwell on them for long.

You pass by these “stop-overs” and get back to the road of getting your heart whole and well again. Because when you choose not to get going, you’re on your way to the road of misery.

Dear once-shattered-getting-whole-hearted-again person, don’t be stuck in these stop-overs, do move on and on and on and on.

P.S. The longer you choose to stay stuck, the farther you will be from reaching the end of healing’s road.

I send you to sea

The photo I used here is from Tumblr. I don't know exactly how I could cite a copyright of it, but hey, I don't own it.

And this is my 2nd attempt in making my own kind of poem porn.

Some pairs don’t last

Let me have it back.

Let me have it back.

It’s already lost.

I still want to find it.

I still want to have it back in my bag.

You can get a new one.

I can’t accept a new one. I want that exact old one.

Exact one – just like that.

There’s that other pair that will stay.

I can’t accept a new one. I’d get that exact one back.

Let me have it back.

AN EXACT ONE- JUST LIKE THAT.

Hours ago, I handed her the light-green pair of earrings and the same face of delight was plastered on her face the moment she gave me mine. It was a lovely sight to have those blue earrings in my hands. I looked at them intently and it meant every bit of happy to have them with me. They’re a pair that I want to keep with me for good.

I arrived home and I was delighted to gaze at my earrings. I took one and stared at the blue stone and the gold intricate curves around it. I rummaged for the other one inside my bag. I removed all my things inside and turned it upside down. Then, I dropped on the floor with a heart break. I lost the other pair.

My being sentimental stirred the brokenness in me. Maybe some would not understand, or maybe others would. But my heart is still breaking for that other pair.

Let me have it back.

I still want to find it.

I still want to have it back in my bag.

AN EXACT ONE – JUST LIKE THAT.

I cannot just let go of this attachment in an instant.

Why does it have to be lost?

Why in such a short period of time did it disappear?

Why did it leave its pair alone in the bag?

My questions are endless; the space here could not contain all that I want to ask.

But then, I stopped searching.

I kept the piece of earring left with me and slept.

I awoke after a number of hours, and then I took the piece left with me again.

Still, my heart was breaking for its pair.

But I saw no point in finding a way to have it returned to me.

I saw no point in finding an exact one just like it.

I saw no point in not finding a new one.

I saw no point in looking for and keeping that other pair that didn’t want to stay.

Still, my heart is breaking for that other pair.

But I threw away the piece left with me.

Still, my heart is breaking for that other pair.

But I made my decision to get a new one.

There’s not a thing you left

There’s not a piece of my heart left to be broken

There’s not a piece of my mind left to be perplexed
There’s not a drop of tear left for me to shed

There’s not a tinge of pain left for me to feel

There’s not a sorrow left for me to know

There’s not a rejection left for me to accept

There’s not a betrayal left for me to discover

There’s not a nudge left for me to wait for

before I shatter into pieces

There’s not a single negativity you spared me from

And

There’s not an antidote left with you to heal me.

The Love that chooses us

The Love that we choose to forget
                                           remembers
The Love that we choose to reject
                                           accepts
The Love that we choose to move away from
                                           draws near
The Love that we choose to push away
                                            insists
The Love that we choose to give up
                                           perseveres
The Love that we choose to hurt
                                            forgives
The Love that we choose to curse
                                            blesses
The Love that we choose to disown
                                           pursues us
The Love that we choose to stop
                                           continues
The Love that we choose to break
                                           grows
The Love that we choose to cheat
                                            remains faithful
The Love that we choose to depreciate
                                            values
The Love that we choose to hate
                                           understands
The Love that we choose to abandon
                                           stays

This First Love that so many choose to lose is our true gain.
This Love, His love, that we may choose not to choose, steadfastly chooses us.

It is YOU

If there is one person whom I won’t be able to take my mind off, it is YOU.

You, who knew me before I was born.

You, who saw me grow up as a child.

You, who delighted in me as an adolescent.

To You, whom I have run to because of every heartache a man caused me.

You, who have loved me ever since, all along.

If there is one person steadfastly, consistently loving me,

Thinking of me

Taking care of me

Protecting me

Watching me

Desiring what’s best for me

It is YOU

You, who have unceasingly done good and great works in my life.

You, who have understood and accepted me at my worst.

You, who have always seen and always see the best in me.

You, who have been constantly courting me and chasing me, to get my attention, for me to know you more and fall in love with You deeper.

You are my most persistent, loving and patient suitor.

You are the one I should never be able to take my mind off.

To YOU I give my “YES”- forevermore.

For the time being

Now, my heart speaks.

 

I saw and recognize you in the faintest of light.

Your features were dearly known to my memory,

And have registered alarm in my heart upon any sight of it.

 

How farther than the moon you seemed

Among the strangers before you, I was one.

 

Stare.

No I was but the air.

Words.

No nothing was spoken.

 

Silence and inaction were the active weapons

To crush me within

-emooomo!

----

Jane Eyre, the present object of my admiration and endearment in thoughts and in character (of course in the brilliant narration and depiction of Charlotte Bronte) has beautifully put into words what my heart was in dire need of.

“It is madness in all women to let a secret love kindle within them, which if unreturned and unknown, must devour the life that feeds it.” (Bronte C., 1847)

“don’t make him the object of your fine feelings, your raptures, agonies and so forth… be too self-respecting to lavish the love of the whole heart, soul and strength, where such a gift is not wanted and would be despised.” (Bronte C., 1847)

 

First, I DISOWN the idea that I am inlove. I am not. In fact, I only know now of God’s love and my love for family and friends. Love, (romantic to be particular) to me, is too complex, indefinite at the moment. I don’t bother deciphering it now.

Second, the word “Love” in Bronte’s words can be replaced by the word “Liking” to best suit the need of my heart.

Third, the emooo poem, may have spoken it all. For the time being, heartache looms before me.

Fourth, I am in awe how these heartbreak issues toughen the maturity of my heart, deepen His role as to solely satisfy my soul, and draw me closest to His love.

 

Lastly, whatever this is, it’s only for the time being.

*The posting of this entry pushed through because the heart ache was raised to the 2^nd power....today... for the time being.

To XY Chromosomal Creatures

December 6,2011

It isn’t Valentine’s day nor Hearts day. The supposed to be celebrated season is the fast-approaching Christmas time. But I found myself looking at a pink rose, and a mysterious letter.

The pink rose came from an identified XY Chromosomal Creature (he had his name on it) and the mysterious letter was found void. It was no serious business of an aspiring Romeo, rather, it was but a joke.

 

I did not write to rant about not receiving a blue rose. (In fact, I secretly hoped I just did not because I felt everyone’s eyes on me when I was walking along the streets holding it) And I would not even express my disappointment about the people who were about to make me believe a mysterious person found time writing me a letter.

 

I would like to voice out what many other XX Chromosomal Creatures might be dying to express. Some words I’ve been repressing to blog about these past few days and weeks that had passed.

To XY Chromosomal Creatures,

Unlikely gift. Looking past the outward appearance is a very rare, unlikely gift you can possess. Admiring a lady for her mere beauty, is  but the lowest standard you can have.

Girls are to be admired because of their hearts not because of their FACES.

It is extremely disappointing when we saw each other for the first time and before I knew it you like me.

I have learned this the hard way- texting is NOT the way to a girl’s heart. Neither it is the way for friendship. For superficial interaction it is.

The real gauge of courage is how brave you are to talk to her personally.

INSTANT text messaging or messages through social networks are also the fastest way to prove your cowardice and spoil every bit of sincerity.

You have all the right to court girls when you have the money to treat her and buy her gifts from YOUR OWN salary. Don’t go robbing your parents’ wallets.

There is a great distinction between toys and girls. Just because you no longer play with the former doesn’t give you the license to play with the latter.

You protect us best when you keep your mouth shut about how you feel. Don’t act as if  Shakespeare has reincarnated himself in you.

If you’re lost in thoughts, thinking if you’re in love or what, I tell you, you are NOT, it’s just a sign that you have done nothing lately except for daydreaming.  

High school, college, including grade school boys, NOW is just not the time to pursue and win a girl’s heart – the fragile of most fragile organs.

I might have been so rough on this and I might have even spoke of  entirely my own ideals. If in some ways I have offended you,  please do pardon me.

But I know you also have lessons to give us girls. (Probably some of which I’ve stated above are also meant for us) So you can get even with us with all due righteousness.

                                    Guys, boys, men, XY Chromosomal Creatures, or however you want to be called, now is just NOT THE TIME.

“… that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.” Song of Songs 2:7

I.N.S.P.I.R.E.D? :)

“For whom am I toiling and depriving myself of pleasure?”

             Have you ever asked yourself this question? The wisest man that had ever lived on earth made mention the necessity of this question on the book of Ecclesiastes, chapter 4 verse 8. For if not he said, toil or hard work is mere striving after the wind. And in our journey of studying, (or living even so) we’ll at one point or another get tired, or one day feel like never going to school again. For me, one effective way to drain these unhelpful thoughts is to redirect my focus on my inspirations. Have you found yours? Below are the ones that keep me I.N.S.P.I.R.E.D:

            The seat

            I once talked about taking the last seat on my entry about my first day last semester. Now, I’ll talk about a different kind of seat. In my greatest attempt to describe in words, this seat is a portable folding chair that is shaped like a box. Its top has a pink backdrop with blue, yellow, black, white and striped polka dots on it. It can both be a container and a chair. On top of it, I place a yellow cushion. This seat, a green table and my blue-colored lamp make up my newfound study place for this second semester. My father bought it for me. So whenever I sit on it, I’ll remember to study hard for my family. :)

           

            Alam mo, excited akong pumasok…

          Paano ba naman, ikaw teacher ko eh =))

          Talk about excitement to go to school and pick-up lines. These are the two things about my two great professors in Professional Education this 2^nd semester. I’d like to note these first two teachers of mine every M, T, Th, and F.

            First, our professor in Curriculum Development is not the type of teacher who’ll give you more than a hundred reasons to sleep or get bored in class. She is a conserver of time for not a minute is wasted during her discussions. She greets us “Good morning English Teachers!” with oozing energy and enthusiasm making it sink into me more what in the world I am studying for… yes, to be an English teacher! She has that very evident, flaming passion in teaching that I’m left in awe and inspired.

            The next is our very beautiful, intelligent ad young professor in Introduction to Special Education, Ms. Custodio. Aside from the fact that she looks our age, she also teaches well. Before our class begins, she would pick three to four class cards and those students that will be called will have to roll the die. The number that one will get will signify her designated task:

            1 - Tell the news for that day, be it foreign or local

            2 - Give one trivia         

            3 – Crack a joke

            4 –Give one knock-knock

            5 – Tell one pick-up line

            6 – Choose one from the five tasks

 

            What thrilled me is that I’ll be obliged to read the news everyday and even the preparation to crack a joke and a pick-up line. And the most nerve-racking for me is to give one knock-knock. Mind you, I already did! =D

            Kudos to these professors, they inspire me this much :).

 

            11-11-10 vs. 11-11-11

          If today was the November 10^th of last year, I’d be working on a project or assignment waiting for his text message. I’d be studying for a quiz or exam coupled with my dreams of finally spending time with him. He was in every thought of every little thing that I do, a thought I keep with me wherever I go. Back then, I wouldn’t be excited about going home as much that I was to see him. My motivation to continue to go to school and study was the notion of fulfilling my future plans… with him. This man had then seemed to be the world to me.

            This him was not Him that deserved a capital H. The Lord is the Him that unspeakably changed my world and thinking. He is the miraculous Lord who enabled me to let go of the very close attachment I had with that man. I have found the courage to write all these because of my amazement right now. How fast and unfathomable things changed!

            I’ll always be excited to go home every weekend in Cavite. I am even homesick more often than not. I made goals of studying for God, my family, future students and for a better self. I hardly use my cellphone or even wait for a text message. My thoughts will be drifting to God, to His word, then to Him again and the things that He seems to be telling me. I am looking forward every Sunday to go to church, teach the children, and worship Him. I am continuing to fall deeper in love with my family. I am seeing and realizing the deeper value of my friendships and relationships with people. My personal relationship with the Lord is my source of strength, the very reason I still continue to go to school and face each day. HE is now the world to me.

            Still searching for inspiration? You don’t have to go far and get them elsewhere… in your house, in your classrooms (hmmm baka ibang inspiration ang hanapin ah..Hahaha) and as you look up, you can find THEM.

            Then these inspirations will motivate you to go on in studying and in living. (Still by His grace and strength)

            Stay I.N.S.P.I.R.E.D! =)

           

 

Like Another Sundae

Bad Craving: The feeling of wanting to eat again, right after eating.

This was my recent status, and my recent dilemma. It was attacking me especially last night.

 

I’ve gained a “Mami and  a Sisther” at school and they’re both God-given Christian friends.

Last night, Mami treated me and sisther a McDonald’s Vanilla Sundae.

After eating, we went book-hunting at Book Sale.

Me: Sisther, this is bad.

Sisther:  |looks puzzled|  Why?

Me: I want another ice cream.  :(

*Sisther and I giggles*

Me: Mami, I have to tell you something. This is bad mami. 

Mami:  |looks curiously| What is it?

Me: I want another ice cream. :(

*Mami laughs * and holds me in my arms just so I would not escape and buy another ice cream.

It looks like a kid’s stuff but this crazy childishness makes up a blissful, stress-free day.

My theorem about this BAD Craving is:

If x = constant thinking and y = constant hunger,

Then x=y. 

But kidding aside, the deeper insight God gave me was:

Love, courtship, boyfriend, girlfriend relationships NOW for the youth is LIKE ANOTHER SUNDAE. It is a want, a craving desire we have but we can live without. I was becoming more aware that I am not alone in the longing that I feel. Friends would share with me their struggles about “waiting for the right time” and I observe it among groups of college and high school students all over Manila. The thing is, these desires will always exist. It is an inevitable part of human nature: that longing to be loved and appreciated.  But as I see it, it is the desire that feels so good but can be set aside and denied every time it suddenly intrudes you. It won’t kill you if you won’t have another Sundae now.

*Until your soul, your hunger for love and security and longing are satisfied by God alone, will you be ready to commit in a God-centered relationship. Right now, I realized that I ought to be focusing my energies today in becoming a great daughter of God and teacher in the future. Becoming my Adam’s noble Eve is my least priority. 

To Mr. God's Adam for me (A Love Letter Via Blog)

April 28, 2011, Thursday

07:47 AM

         To Mr. God's Adam for me,

  

                                    These days have been a battle for me,

                                    I have been chasing the wants of my tricky heart

                                    For a while, I have been out of control

                                    There is a longing deep inside of me

                                    A company, affection - I so want to pursue

                                    And when I paused and stopped

                                    I asked of God's grace and for Him to be in control

                                    I see moments of painful waiting

                                    I have learned the wrong way of a relationship

                                    And I greatly dream to make my second and last right

                                    I thought I have been moving on, doing fine

                                    But there were still some pitfalls along the way

                                    And more unseen ones ahead of me...

                This morning, as I am writing this, the Lord has a message for you and me. It is the very reason I wrote to you. (Though I'm not quite sure if you could really read this)

                 He impressed on me to give you to Him and let you give me to Him. 

              We are to surrender with trust to the love story He's creating for us, that He'll make us meet, grow in love with each other and with Him in the most beautiful way and time we could never comprehend nor fathom now.

                 Writing or even making doodles of our love story now would spoil all that beauty!

                For now, He seeks we keep guarding our hearts and keep pleading for His grace to help us do so.

                 As Mr. Jim Elliot put it, "Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living."

                 Let us wholeheartedly serve God and focus on His purpose for us this time.

     P.S.

                Our hearts spent in singleness are made to be wholly His.

In love with you in His time,

Ms. God's Eve for you

 :)