God at Work

“Keeping my right hand from writing an account of the learning gems I’ve sought in my blessed days (which is supposed to be everyday) is like a headache. I could not just be unmindful about it.

Attempts to go on with other business would endure for days, weeks, but for months --- I’d barely call myself living. I’d be a puff of existence with an unresolved headache making myself more meaningless and insignificant.  It (writing) has always been the missing piece in the bigger picture of my life. I could go on like the whole picture is almost at its best- complete, but that small detail lost, I cannot possibly let go.”

So I write again. Well, I write lectures, assignments, to-do-lists, journal, blabber, and doodles but it’s again a long time since I wrote something special-------that can be preserved in my blog.

As I reflect on the above outpour of my heart, I see that I’m being too hard on myself. Not being able to write would mean disappointment. How can such be a strengthening passion if it also becomes my often source of frustration? *to be answered*

Things in the past can’t be undone.

I got to keep that in mind. If I wasn’t able to write about noteworthy events/experiences that had passed I can keep track with the new.

Ironically, I’ll write about --- this previous week. Hehe.

I’ve been on vacation for three days, 2 days (Monday, Tuesday) were intentional absences due to my emotional sickness, and Wednesday was God’s bonus (the rest I was hoping for but I wasn’t patient enough to wait). 

I was thinking I missed home and I needed rest. Plus, the pressure and negative emotions were blazing inside of me and I wasn’t able to deal with them properly. So that’s what I mean with my emotional sickness.

The bonus in these two days is that I had a very sweet time with my Lord and I had spent real quality time with Him.

Teeming realizations flood my journal- but I pick out the best two:

(1) Life without pressure is boring- not the life I would like to live and (2) The Lord is working hard to change me.

(1)- I missed studying, being busy, reading, having my mind stimulated by the professors’ questions and by our lessons. I can’t imagine my life now without studying!

(2)- I’ve opened my previous journal and I have seen the very same emotional struggles I had in the last weeks of July 2010 (freshmen). God is pruning me. It is my response to it that will either make or break me. Last year was mistake --- now, I need to respond positively.

I’m just in awe of Him this previous week. He is working wonders in my life. I am thrilled and challenged in the changes God desires for me. He is indeed at work! He sharpens my mind and strengthens my heart. :)

 

 

Like Another Sundae

Bad Craving: The feeling of wanting to eat again, right after eating.

This was my recent status, and my recent dilemma. It was attacking me especially last night.

 

I’ve gained a “Mami and  a Sisther” at school and they’re both God-given Christian friends.

Last night, Mami treated me and sisther a McDonald’s Vanilla Sundae.

After eating, we went book-hunting at Book Sale.

Me: Sisther, this is bad.

Sisther:  |looks puzzled|  Why?

Me: I want another ice cream.  :(

*Sisther and I giggles*

Me: Mami, I have to tell you something. This is bad mami. 

Mami:  |looks curiously| What is it?

Me: I want another ice cream. :(

*Mami laughs * and holds me in my arms just so I would not escape and buy another ice cream.

It looks like a kid’s stuff but this crazy childishness makes up a blissful, stress-free day.

My theorem about this BAD Craving is:

If x = constant thinking and y = constant hunger,

Then x=y. 

But kidding aside, the deeper insight God gave me was:

Love, courtship, boyfriend, girlfriend relationships NOW for the youth is LIKE ANOTHER SUNDAE. It is a want, a craving desire we have but we can live without. I was becoming more aware that I am not alone in the longing that I feel. Friends would share with me their struggles about “waiting for the right time” and I observe it among groups of college and high school students all over Manila. The thing is, these desires will always exist. It is an inevitable part of human nature: that longing to be loved and appreciated.  But as I see it, it is the desire that feels so good but can be set aside and denied every time it suddenly intrudes you. It won’t kill you if you won’t have another Sundae now.

*Until your soul, your hunger for love and security and longing are satisfied by God alone, will you be ready to commit in a God-centered relationship. Right now, I realized that I ought to be focusing my energies today in becoming a great daughter of God and teacher in the future. Becoming my Adam’s noble Eve is my least priority. 

MUCH THAT I’VE MISSED

                 If there’s one thing that I’ve missed so badly and long so much for – it is you, writing.

                I feel like a novice learning to write again. I couldn’t help but fuss about the NOTEWORTHY events I’ve missed to blog about. It is weird that days, weeks seemed to be months and years that I’ve not written. =(

                Well, I’d love to squeeze them all here in a fast-phase manner and in much brevity lest I make a novel out of the rushing ideas I have in mind.

The Aftershock of the Haircut

                My daily entrance in the school campus has never been as nerve-racking as it was during the first day of classes. June 21, Tuesday, was an exception. Aside from the unusual feeling of absence of hair or the surprise of not needing to comb my hair until my shoulders (I don’t even need a comb), my hair cut made me hesitant and nervous to enter our school gate.

                It was a blast: random comments from different people and to think- more are still to follow since I have not seen my S.I.S family yet.

                The randomness:

                “Bagay sa’yo, Di bagay sa’yo, Sayang ang buhok mo, Hala!, Di kita nakilala, Andy of Coffee Prince, Katie Holmes of i-don’t-have-a-clue-about, Jamie of Secret Garden, Handsome, Pogi, Bieber, Boyfriend” and several more I could not all reiterate.

2 Specific Comments made me curious:

One: I look more matured.

Two: I look more like a teacher.

Pretty weird, aren’t they?

And the generalization I made is this:

Friends/ people who have seen me for so long with a long hair hardly accepted my new haircut and a number of them had the violent of the most violent of all reactions. (They’re braver to tell me the truth huh?) :D

But the real aftershock of my hair cut is God telling me at the end of the day:

                “Daughter, in whose eyes are you trying to be great or beautiful after all?”

People have different comments and reactions regarding our actions and behavior but whose opinion matter most to us? People or God’s?

The Aftershock of FALCON

                Because of Falcon, I was no longer an ignorant or newbie in terms of walking in flooded streets especially that of San Marcelino and along our school. I assumed such things will only exist in the news or on the television screen and never on the realm of my reality and personal experience. But it was, an unlikely, unforgettable adventure for me J.

                The storm was really fierce. It was relentless. It stopped me from going home that Thursday night, June 23. I desired to make an article about my complete experience about it but I failed to do so. So here was the aftershock learning that God reminded me:

Eyes off self: When you are overwhelmed by your own emotions and difficulty, have time to pause and reflect that others might be experiencing something worse! Never be too self-absorbed that you forget to offer a helping hand. There were many Filipino people who were badly affected by the storm- and time wasted in complaining should be used in praying for them.

Acculturation

                This is our report in our ESL (English as a Second Language), I have nothing to do but smile at the thought that this topic somehow made me WAKE UP from the deep slumber I was having.

                Why was I unable to write? It’s because of the 2^nd stage of Acculturation – culture shock. Past the “excitement or euphoria” over the newness of 2^nd year life, lately I’ve been in “culture stress”.

                Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday – I am required to be at school. I stay 6 days in the dormitory. These spell NOSTALGIA (my recent status) and STRESS – the battle I’m going through (which I was not much vocal about). I couldn’t find time to write, to rest and relax. I ought to keep running…

                The sad part is I was really down and though I was not uttering complains, I was feeling them, deep inside me. The plus factor with the weight of my burden is the training in Debate Society every Wednesday afternoon and Saturday, whole day.

Talk about “breaking me to make me” – breaking my fears, shyness, emotional weakness and building a brave, confident and strong me. I’d probably write more about these debate experiences but this is something I’ve created at the intensity of my emotions right then:

“When I look at the heaviness of the challenge at hand, I get to feel the nerves and the pressure. On the other hand, as I look at the better, abler me, after going through it, I can’t help but to be excited and inspired.”

The promise I was left to hold on these past weeks is: “But because of God’s love we are not consumed.”

I’m on a space shuttle ride (the ‘deadliest ride’ I coined) that I can never postpone or stop. I need to go through it. But I was not consumed and I will never be because God loves me, so much. And that is the only thing constant at this very point of my life.

To My Future Students

To my future students,

                On an ordinary school day like this you may feel like you don’t want to go to school anymore. It could be one morning when you didn't want to get up, prepare and attend your classes.  That very instance when you just want to stop time and run away from the pressure of studies.

                My dear students, you are not alone. I too, felt it.

                Today as I woke up, I was decided to stay on my bed, probably for eternity.

                My heart was telling me that I was down and defeated while my mind was telling me to move and keep going.

                There exist daily the crossroads of life. The right thing to do or the one that feels good and seems right in your own eyes: which journey will you tread?

                The power to choose which road to take lies in your very hands.

                My future students, be reminded that at these crossroads, Wisdom stands, Wisdom calls. The faintest, softest voice that tells you to persevere and do right (which is the exact thing you don’t feel like doing) is God Himself whispering in love and concern.

                I am still in second year college, on the process of adjustment in this new school year. But I write to you in hope that years from now you’ll reach this point where I am right now. Please, do not give up. Though I know you’ll reach some point of feeling it like I did, but please, never give up. Don’t give in to the temptation of choosing the World’s Wisdom over God’s Wisdom. Though at times you may fail to do so, persist to keep yourself aimed at the narrow gate.

                I am here at present and the road I am taking, you soon will take.

                I know the frailties of our hearts, how weak-willed our flesh can be. But I also know and witness God’s love hovering amidst all these.

                I know you will see His love when you’re about to skip classes and suddenly you still attended them. You can see Him in the move of your hands as you do an assignment. You can see Him in the good health you possess and the allowance He provides just so you can continue to study. You’ll see His love every time you pause and reflect: “God sustains me to continue living and studying even if I don’t ask Him to.”

                But dear student, please I warn you, listen to Wisdom as she stands at the crossroads of your daily life. Listen to her, keep her ways. God’s love is abundant, but favor, hope and a bright future is lacking to those who are content to be a fool.

                You cannot trust what you feel for these lies will only destroy and deceive you. You cannot trust your wisdom for it can be foolishness. Instead, listen and trust what God, our Great Teacher has to say.

                I know no better roadmap to life and to the daily crossroads ahead of you and me than His Roadmap. (The Bible my dear students)

                I pray that the Great Teacher may speak to you. I promised Him that I’ll not give up studying and living my purpose for Him and for all of you.

 

Hoping to teach you soon,

Your future teacher

P.S.

“Never let go of a dream until you’re ready to wake up and make it happen.”

“Blessed is the one who listens to me (Wisdom), watching daily at my gates, waiting beside my doors. For whoever finds me finds life; and obtains favor from the Lord, but he who fails to find me injures himself; all who hate me love death.”

Proverbs 8: 34 - 36