This post is my 1st blog entry for my account this school year. And this one’s one of the hardest to put into writing. I feel like the complexity of what I’m feeling and experiencing made words unfit or hard to put together to convey the message I wish to share. (What a dilemma for a writer!)
Yet thankfully, one person inspired me yesterday. She seemed to have given me a paper with the outline of what I needed to write.
The person adding up to my list of inspirations is Patty. You do not know her, do you? Let me introduce this amazing person to you. Patty was a classmate of mine last school year, but now she isn’t anymore because she was granted as a Global Exchange student to study in America (North Carolina to be exact) and she’ll be leaving this August.
(Here's a photo of her:)
I am not inspired by the mere fact that she was granted the Fulbright scholarship, but I am “inspired to tears” about HOW she got there.
She shared her experiences as an English Major during “e-merge”: in our General Assembly. And I tell you, when she gave me a note during our class activity that read: “You remind me of gravity.” I am pretty sure while listening to her speech that the note was rather meant for her.
I did not see someone up on stage, bragging about the scholarship hundreds of people applied for, saying “I received this because I am good. I have all the skills and intelligence in the world to qualify for this.”
Rather, I saw someone who shared how she seemed unfit in the beginning for that kind of scholarship. She shared how she cried during her interview for our majorship. She shared how she could not even recite in classroom discussions unless she has memorized what she’ll say. I can never take this against her as a way of revealing her weaknesses. No, through this she has shown all English majors and professors what her greatest strength was: humility. And this mark of humility keeps me crying until now.
And as her classmate and friend, I know that the advice she gave in her speech to “Give your best” did not remain a cliché, it possessed grander impact, for from her life, “best” is truly displayed in every single thing she does.
She retold her experience during the interview for the Fulbright scholarship and it was an exact opposite of her interview for our majorship. She said that she was able to confidently answer all the questions raised. I am in no doubt that she has grown so much because of her humility and hard work.
Through Patty, I felt God consoled my heart. The message my heart was longing for, He impressed to me through her.
And what was I going through? Why did I need comfort?
One: This statement was all that I could write yesterday as I attempted to write: There has to be some way to put up with expectations that are seemingly too ideal.
Simply put, discouragement has its subtle way of attacking me these days. Giving God all the glory through doing good in my studies was something I boldly, emotionally written for the youth blog. But I feel like I have set my hopes and expectancy too high. I feel like I could not attain it. I feel like I do not glorify God at all, for I seem to be an ordinary student. The distinction between God’s students and the world’s I could not let others see.
Two: What a professor told me when I was being interviewed for Literature majorship way back when I was a freshman, lingers on my mind: “You’re pitifully shy, how can you become a teacher?”
This Junior year makes me realize the weight of how much needs to be broken in me to make me a full-grown teacher. Endless demonstration teaching would equal to countless times spent speaking in public. It would mean the need of a louder voice than my loudest. It would mean leading not a number of kids but a whole class. It would mean forever stepping out of my comfort zone. And it actually freaks me out right now. Questioning God if teaching is really the profession He wills for me--- has passed through my mind more than once.
The exact words of how to deal with these things did not came from Patty’s speech. But she is the reason, the instrument God used for my realizations.
One: I felt that she has her own share of feeling like she could not do something, or feeling like she could never attain something. I was inspired to know someone who felt this before, has surpassed this and now could do things and has attained something. Plus, who told me it is only by getting good grades in school that I will glorify my God? The Lord impressed upon me that when we fail and not remain as a failure, it is another way of glorifying Him.
Two: Patty gave me a different view on weaknesses. Somehow these weaknesses that we have are to be embraced. They can be celebratory after all. Her admission of weaknesses made God the strong deliverer in her life. This humility turned our eyes from herself to the work God has done in her life. I am in tears to say that I’ll be grateful for who I am: the Abbie abounding in weaknesses because through this, people will see the great strength of my God and His work in my life. The verse: “For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor. 12:10) has never been this alive. Only, it could be exactly this version: “For when I am weak, then HE is strong.”
Patty, I know that God will always be with you and will surely bless you in the journey He has led you to. WCNEHTIATGFY. You can ask Esther the meaning of this one J
Daddy Lord, Truly, you “have established the beginning of every wonder.” (Caedmon) There’s no backing out in the dream profession You have planted in my heart. ICNTYE. (I can never thank you enough =D) I love you J
