Refining

All I was able to do when I last checked my Multiply account was change my theme and background.

Countless were my attempts to write. Countless were the times I didn’t succeed.

Deep were the longing and ache felt by the heart that could not achieve what it desired.

Desire. A cliché that I’ve used. Desire to write. Similar to cry.

“Apologies to the heart whose cry… desire… to write was never heeded, constantly ignored.”

Desire isn’t enough. A cry isn’t enough.

In my months of AWOL in writing, I believe God has taken my writing in a process of refining.

The question- “Why do I really write?” had been the brunt of what I was being dealt with.

In my deep thoughts I have come to realize that my motto “write to glorify God” can be my sugarcoat for “write to glorify myself”. Behind my “write to share” can be my hidden motive “write to show off”. The fulfillment of God’s purpose in my life through writing can be subtly replaced by the satisfying of my personal fulfillment.

God had given me a striking reminder at the time when I had no guts and inspiration to write again:

            “Abbie, if you can’t and you don’t have any other reason to do it, let Me be your reason to write again. Let Me be your wisdom to write again. You’re living for me. All for my glory.”

But God would never send an angel to drag me from bed, get me a pen and paper, and miraculously trigger me to write my thoughts.

I remember that Sunday morning, when I opened my eyes and heard Charles Stanley say “Discipline not desire determines your destiny” in a TY program.

Desire isn’t enough.

“The desire to write isn’t enough. You got to discipline yourself to do it!” – I’ve highlighted it on my journal.

This isn’t new to me. “I go with the currents of feeling like writing and have not yet gone against the tide of persistently choosing to write as my commitment.”

            I wrote this last year. And surely, God gives remedial tests for lessons we fail to learn! That’s why it’s called a process. The dealing is continuous.

            And another tough call from God is to “live by what you write”.

            I am pro at writing a lot of things and failing to apply them in my life.

BOOOOOOO. That maybe one hurting reason my writing was long halted.

            The Lord is taking me from the IDEAL that I am to being the REAL he wants me to be. (btw, I’m itching to write about the REAL camp:))))

            He wills that these thoughts I put into writing correspond with what people see in my life. That alone will measure up for a truer impact.

            From  the depths of my reason to write, to the mechanism of how I continue to write (that is, by discipline) up to the impact of my writing (living by what I write) - I stand amazed at how God orchestrates this process of refining.

In sickness and in health (May 7,2012)

It is a wonder that whatever God allows to happen in our lives, be it good or bad, He never fails to bring with it insights and revelations. But unlike our ultra mega super instant world, God does not reveal things in a blink of an eye. It would take seeking, humbling and waiting on our part.

            I’ve been sick for two days, and in my sickness one major thing He revealed to me is that it takes sickness to make me realize that I’ve been taking my health for granted.

            I thought hard why God would allow my head to ache SO BAD and my cough to come back to life. Why Lord? Have I sinned? What do you want to tell me through my sickness?

            The superficial and obvious issue here is that I’m not taking good care of the Holy Spirit’s temple. I’ve lost track when my immune system started becoming weaker but unquestionably, it has something to do with my unhealthy habits.

            Fruits, vegetables, water, exercise- I don’t love these. Yet God loves me so much to warn me this early to watch my health. (The peril it can cause me in the future could be more unbearable if I don’t take action now!) In line with this need-to-eat-drink-and-do list is the caution that flashed in my mind: “Control your eating.”

            I am both the under and over eater. I either eat a lot or lose my appetite when I’m stressed or too emotional.

            This warning from God is like a very loud alarm that has awaken me from a deep slumber. It compelled me to be vigilant enough to watch my health.

            A deeper message of God has been revealed to me given that “seeking, humbling and waiting” process I’ve written earlier. On my 2^nd day of sickness, God made me think of a brain clogged with phlegm. How disgusting and painful is that! I cringe at the thought that it is my brain. Yet it could be anyone’s brain. He showed me how this “phlegm-clogged brain” is similar to a brain filled with negative thoughts. Any brain unoccupied by God’s Word. It can make you sick in your actions and perception. You can look physically well but you could possess such mind! This mind that inhibits you to function as a normal child of God.

            Then I longed for my mind to be cleared.

            I was determined to surrender my negative mind. And my prayer was “Lord, fill me with Your thoughts, fill me with Your Words.” I didn’t want phlegm to clog my brain!

            I knew that God used this sickness for my effective learning. Yes, we children of God do not change/learn overnight. Yet this seeming happening sped up my realization and obedience. It was a catalyst to positive results.

            So yesterday I learned to eat fruits (not biscuit) after a meal (and it was the unusual enough meal:), I exercised this morning, drank pineapple calamansi shake and finally I’m starting to re-memorize Bible verses in order to get rid of the phlegm-clogged mind.

            Truly, in sickness and in health, God speaks, God works.