Let Me Gaze at You

The pen and paper are calling out to me, tugging at me everywhere I go, whispering to me every second of the day.
I am drawn to this account -- drawn to this source of strength and solace.

Words wouldn't come out easily, instantly;  the paper needs to wait. My pen is in a halt.
But my keepsake of writing flamed the passion inside me, this excerpt in my journal, I will now share.


Lord, I wanna gaze at You.
Let me, please let me, make me gaze at You.

Your eyes- looking at me knowingly,
not a concern I have hidden from Your eyes.
Your ears - attentive to all the spoken and unspoken words of my mouth.
Your mouth- awaiting to lavish on me sweet words to uplift and comfort me.
Your hands- desperate to reach me and help me
Your arms- wide open to embrace me and carry me when I can no longer walk.
Your feet- always running towards me, after me, before me and with me.

Let me gaze at You. Make me gaze at You only.

That my eyes will not shed tears of sorrow and pain but of joy and healing.
That my ears will not be filled of voices I could not stand hearing but of Your voice alone.
That my mouth will not speak of mourning and bitterness but of praises and love.
That my hands and arms shall seek Your help and embrace
That my feet will run to You, after You and with You only.

That my heart- will not continue to break but will continue to heal wholly.
All of these as I gaze at You--- gaze at You only.

The Sun of My Day

I woke up to a gloomy morning which looked more like night than day--- the sun setting than rising. This makes getting up- out of bed even more difficult than it already is.The glue on my body to the warmth and coziness of my blanket and pillows seem to have tripled its stickiness.

But then, when you manage to sit up on a day like this, open your Bible, seek His voice, and cry out to Him, the gloom of the morning disappears in His presence. Hope rises and the heavy feeling sets back.

The Son is the sun that lights up your face. The glue dries up and rays of sun seem to go with you wherever you go and in everything that you do.

There is no gloomy day to a heart, soul and mind that God's face has shone on.

What's Meant to Last

You are allowed to pause for a minute and let the tears come out.
Let them flow, streak down your cheeks.
Let your eyes turn red and your nose too.

You can drown the world with your tears
And for a moment grieve about what pains you,
what suddenly pierced you,
the wound that surfaced.
Let yourself bleed.

Bit by bit let the pain roll away from your eyes.
Let your heart cry out and throw away what keeps it hurting.

Drown the world with your grief for a moment,
But make sure it leaves inside of you.

For a moment, bleed
For a moment, hurt
For a moment, grieve
For a moment, be weak

You are allowed to.
You are welcome to do so.
But not for long.

Because these moments were meant to pass.
And healing is meant to last in your life.

Nineteen, Twenty and Beyond

This time, I let the out pour take over my writing.

What does a lady who just turned 20 want to express?

On Gratitude

Perhaps I express gratitude to Facebook because even if we say that people who actually remember our birthdays without it are the sweetest,we can't deny the fact that people who take time to post on our timelines or send us messages because of a reminder that it's our birthday are also sweet. And of course, I am most thankful to all those people who did. <3

So why am I thanking Facebook again? Because it has made reaching out to each other so accessible to the point that one celebrant like me can be overwhelmed and touched by people's numerous greetings.


On a Normal day

Yesterday, I was in between happy and okay. I was not the happiest but neither was I the saddest. I spent my birthday with a normal day, with my normal routines. I have even forgotten to eat my breakfast and I ate Anne's best birthday cake in the world (with one or two Makis) as my lunch. I prepared for and actually executed a teaching demo in church last night and arrived home past 9 pm when everyone but me has eaten dinner. Wohoo! What a great birthday celebration! Haha!

But I arrived at home with the cute little boy greeting me the very moment I entered our house. And he actually blew my candle for me. I also had an unexpected "mini-handaan" with my family and I just didn't expect that.

About gifts

Material gifts? I received none. Not even one except the picture greetings which I received from my Sunday School family last Sunday. But I honestly did not seek for any. For greetings (since words of affirmation is my love language) were enough or more than enough and I can never feel even more content in the life that I have now.

In Looking Back

My 19th year has been a tough roller-coaster ride. I had numerous blissful-happiest and heart-breaking-shattering moments. There were days I was way up high on cloud nine, days when I felt like the most beautiful lady on Earth or the most loved creature in the entire universe. But there were even more times (longer, actually) when I felt lower than my lowest and uglier than whoever or whatever could be ugliest.

True. That's how it looks like when I look back. But the latter days of my 19th year when I crawl to get on with life and move along despite the circumstances are the days that brought me back to the life He has set out for me. Times at my lowest and my feelings of being the ugliest are ironically what lifted me and instilled again the beauty I seemed to have lost.

These days before I turn twenty are the highlights of His grace and steadfast love compelling me to move forward, even through one step a day, despite the current of yesterday pulling and weighing me down.

The Promise

Every detail of my 19 years of living, He has perfectly willed and planned. And yesterday morning when I talked to Him, he reminded me of how He is there, beyond my 20th year, and He has prepared a work for me, the man He has for me and more than ever a grandiose life plan I can never imagine for myself today.

I send you to sea

The photo I used here is from Tumblr. I don't know exactly how I could cite a copyright of it, but hey, I don't own it.

And this is my 2nd attempt in making my own kind of poem porn.

Some pairs don’t last

Let me have it back.

Let me have it back.

It’s already lost.

I still want to find it.

I still want to have it back in my bag.

You can get a new one.

I can’t accept a new one. I want that exact old one.

Exact one – just like that.

There’s that other pair that will stay.

I can’t accept a new one. I’d get that exact one back.

Let me have it back.

AN EXACT ONE- JUST LIKE THAT.

Hours ago, I handed her the light-green pair of earrings and the same face of delight was plastered on her face the moment she gave me mine. It was a lovely sight to have those blue earrings in my hands. I looked at them intently and it meant every bit of happy to have them with me. They’re a pair that I want to keep with me for good.

I arrived home and I was delighted to gaze at my earrings. I took one and stared at the blue stone and the gold intricate curves around it. I rummaged for the other one inside my bag. I removed all my things inside and turned it upside down. Then, I dropped on the floor with a heart break. I lost the other pair.

My being sentimental stirred the brokenness in me. Maybe some would not understand, or maybe others would. But my heart is still breaking for that other pair.

Let me have it back.

I still want to find it.

I still want to have it back in my bag.

AN EXACT ONE – JUST LIKE THAT.

I cannot just let go of this attachment in an instant.

Why does it have to be lost?

Why in such a short period of time did it disappear?

Why did it leave its pair alone in the bag?

My questions are endless; the space here could not contain all that I want to ask.

But then, I stopped searching.

I kept the piece of earring left with me and slept.

I awoke after a number of hours, and then I took the piece left with me again.

Still, my heart was breaking for its pair.

But I saw no point in finding a way to have it returned to me.

I saw no point in finding an exact one just like it.

I saw no point in not finding a new one.

I saw no point in looking for and keeping that other pair that didn’t want to stay.

Still, my heart is breaking for that other pair.

But I threw away the piece left with me.

Still, my heart is breaking for that other pair.

But I made my decision to get a new one.

There’s not a thing you left

There’s not a piece of my heart left to be broken

There’s not a piece of my mind left to be perplexed
There’s not a drop of tear left for me to shed

There’s not a tinge of pain left for me to feel

There’s not a sorrow left for me to know

There’s not a rejection left for me to accept

There’s not a betrayal left for me to discover

There’s not a nudge left for me to wait for

before I shatter into pieces

There’s not a single negativity you spared me from

And

There’s not an antidote left with you to heal me.

What they can't do

What sleep can't do:
Do your requirements while you're in dreamland.

What a pessimistic mind can't do:
Anything---

What a worrywart can't do:
Use time wisely.

What a preoccupied person can't do:
Think of beautiful things.

What an overload of schedule can't do:
Adjust its time for you.

What stress can't do:
Kill its killer.

What seemingly endless tasks can't do:
Endure forever.

What you can't do:
He can do.

Home again

I am a talkative person in my blog entries. I have tendencies to make a novel out of the pettiest events and details in my life. However, my last attempt for a blog entry was during the 1^st week of October. I was not surprised to see that the only word in the document was a title. It was a wordless, plain, blank page.

Things that usually keep me from writing are the busy school life, my inability to put into words the complexity of my thoughts, feelings and situation and my own will not to do so.

 This is the pain in every writer’s heart. To be unable to do what my heart and hand ached to do. To experience grief and regret over days I was not able to take account of. And to realize that my craft along with my blog is starting to rust.

 But joy lies at the realization of what the silence online has brought me: A writer who has learned more to speak to others what was always unspoken. A writer who has realized how things are not always written because they are understood and analyzed.A writer who was equipped with the desire to restore the “write” commitment. A writer who rejoices for the triumph of a blog attempt. And a writer who celebrates for being home again.

You. You. Miserable without You.

Sigh

Rant

Blurt Out

Cry

The pressure is around me, within me, all over me, overwhelming my being.

All negatives spring out from a soul that has not met its Peace and Security first thing in the morning.

To begin the day without You is to begin the worst day.

Everything is shaky, much more frustrating and hopeless when I have disconnected myself from OUR world.

All negative things fill me, my heart and my head, when I have not surrendered my day to You.

Daddy, Your child is just miserable without You.

I'm at a loss for words. 

Away from these things. To You I run again. 

*Click log out, Sign out, Hibernate

Amazing! ♥

It’s amazing how I’m starting to redeem industry and love for the things that I do.

It’s amazing how people manage to work and concentrate under pressure.

It’s amazing how cramming (though negative) can be optimized to bring out the creative juices within us!

It’s amazing how my classmates manage to “chillax” and have fun despite the overwhelming requirements.

It’s amazing how my always-freaking-out heart and mind learns how to calm down.

It’s amazing how contagious the joy of my friends are, that I’m starting to think that I already am a melancholic-turned-sanguine!

 

It’s amazing when He lets you see how He orchestrates the events of your life.

It’s amazing when He lets you witness the changes He is working in you!

It’s amazing when all the things you worried about and feared of a day before or hours earlier were trashed at the relief of how wonderfully the day ended!

It’s amazing when you ponder that everything you have done, said or thought today, He has favoured and blessed!

 

It’s amazing that the Lord comforts us with concrete expression of His love and power through the simplest ways!

And it’s amazing that I’m learning how to find time to do the thing that recharges me inspires me and keeps me---writing.

 

My ever-favorite from Caedmon’s Hymn:Truly, He… established the beginning of every wonder! Amazing! ♥

 

Lover of Words

Last week, through a love language test, I have confirmed that my love language is words of affirmation. Second are: quality time and touch.

Well, I used the word “confirmed” since I, together with some close friends, really assumed that it was my love language even without the test.

My love for words has grown deeper since I started blogging. It has even heightened because ofsocial networking sites like facebook, twitter and tumblr where I, too, have fallen inlove with cool, relatable and moving posts and tweets of friends and especially the catchy statements on the photos in tumblr.

I, again, have fallen deeply in love with the words below: the content of the bookmark Patty read in front of us which she gave me during our send-off party for her.

Abbie :))

Thank you for being an inspiration.

You don’t know how much I learn whenever I see how you do great yet remain humble and simple.

I admire you for just being you- a person of simplicity and of strong faith.

You have made me realize a lot Abbie!

Stay strong.

I believe that you can be a great teacher. :))

Believe in what you can do and believe in God for those that you can’t.

I love you!

 

♥Patty

P.S. I printed a copy of the blog post you tagged me :))

 

Tears continuously ran down my eyes as I listened to her. And it best showed how words deeply move me and warm my heart. I truly am a lover of words.

 

Times of Stress: (A Late Entry)

Times of stress make me want to write a poem.

But the complexity of rhymes made me resort to a free verse poem.

 

Times of stress signal that you need rest.

From working you are called,

To pause and reflect

All along why have I been doing this?

You may ask yourself

Lie on your back and ponder,

Have you forgotten?

The Lord, the Creator,

Has given you hands to work for Him

His strength He has given you,

Have you dwelt on your own?

His joy he has filled you with,

Has the enemy robbed you of it?

Your mind He has filled with promises

Has the enemy replaced it

With the cares of this world?

 

Times of stress, signal you to stop

The Lordship of God has to be reinforced

You have reached the limits of your own strength

 

Times of stress best remind you

Of your dear Inspiration,

Wisdom and Savior,

When work has dimmed your thoughts of Him

 

Times of stress would only end,

When you surrender in prayer

And run back to Him.

Apologies

December 27, 2011

Tuesday

Apologies

My apologies to:

the notebook I left unnoticed, unopened, and useless

my thoughts wasted, unpublished and left raw

my blog site left unvisited, inactive

my heart left recklessly overloaded with feelings I wasn't able to put into writing

to insights/ learning that I wasn't’t able to take account of

to experiences not recorded and memories not preserved in paper

to the heart that ached for its cry to write was not heeded

to the right hand withheld from what its been itching to do

to my mind, body, overdosed with sleeping, watching movies, eating and sloth

to my God for having to deal with my unfaithfulness and forgetfulness of Him

 

But most of all my apologies

To self

For wanting to be perfect, for wanting everything to be right, for being too hard on myself, for struggling to forgive you and for not realizing these things that I gave my apologies about our things we normally commit mistakes and err upon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Memory and Industry Deficit (Late entry)

December 5, 2011                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Monday

I was walking under the rain a while ago. Probably, I need to pray regularly for a good rain-free weather.

No, I didn’t forget to bring an umbrella with me. I lost it permanently weeks ago.

First I lost my blue umbrella, and I realized it was gone a day after. I have left it somewhere in the church and I could hardly recall exactly why, when or how.

Then, my mother lent me my sister’s black umbrella, which was given to her by a special person. Why, for the love of forgetfulness! I have lost it too and could never recall where I left it. And for the record, I realized I lost it two days after!

My mother was very disappointed. She told me she would never buy me an umbrella ever AGAIN. And she’ll just buy me a raincoat. How awkward would that be, ME- wearing raincoat among the throng of college students in Manila!

I badly hope she too shall forget -- - - - all that she had said.

And earlier this morning, I was inside the bus, at around 5:15 am, when I realized I forgot two very important things at home:

(1)   My ID

(2)  My NSTP Shirt

I bet I am to receive the Youngest Memory Deficit Award any moment now. These two are but the most important things I needed for school, yet of all things, I forgot about them.

Alas, what happened to my memory?

 

Secondly, there is a great industry crisis that I am experiencing. Ironically, my last entry is about being inspired in studying, and recently Abbie had been feeling every bit of indolence possible. Worse, she gave in to it more than once.

Realizing how much I overly fuss over these things a while ago makes me laugh about it now.

When I tried to consult God about the insights He’d like to give me through these situations, he led me to this verse:

“The steadfast love of God endures all the day.” Psalms 52:1

His message was simple: no laziness, memory deficit of mine can outshine His steadfast love.

I did walk under the rain but it was the fewest of drops: “ambon”, I was still able to enter the school gate without my  ID, and most especially, the two quizzes which I wasn’t able to review for (due to my severe idleness) were moved for the next day.  Luck? No it’s His steadfast love. (He got me smiling right now.)  :)

What to WRITE?

Running thoughts flood my mind, one rushing over another and I think they're brought about by the bulk of tasks I've been doing and I still need to do. 

It was a blessed relief we somehow got rid of "the figures" because we don't have any Math subject this 1st semester. But I find myself facing the blank paper innumerable times. We've been tasked (and we still are) to write different kinds of essays --- from descriptive, comparative, argumentative to occasional papers and end of term essays (not to mention two case studies). My school life as an English major turned out to be a writing course.

I have asked it so many times, What to write? (And the question itself I doubt if it's grammatically correct) 

Even during days when I attempt to write a blog --- I face a blank screen. 

The randomness of my thoughts simply finds itself expressed through pictures I specially handpicked from the internet. I hope these images paint the thousand words the captions could not fully describe. 

(writegroove.com)

Sadly, I could not upload the picture of my small pencil from my phone. So the one up here is a substitute. I simply reiterate --- Endless writing for the end times of the first semester. My pencil as small as that will support the italicized statement.

(http://www.mobilitysite.com)

I'm no tech savvy, but I've been longing for a net book or a laptop that I can call MINE. As always, it is preferably color blue. 

To my future net book, 

You have the very subtle ways of making me want you badly. Renting in computer shops or waiting for the right timing to borrow the laptop of my Ate in the dorm inconveniences me more often. I hope God will give you to me, miraculously,  and of course in the His soonest possible time line. 

By faith, 

Your  future owner 

(http://recruitingunblog.wordpress.com)

This one I won't write much about. There are sudden lurking monsters in my heart and they leave me writing this figure several times in my journal - - - - - </3. Well, brokenness of the heart  is no business alone of a longing lone individual. It could be a deep sense of inner turmoil.  Yet Daddy Lord quiets them down, someday soon, they will fully vanish.

(ph.88db.com)

After time immemorial, I've entered SM Manila again! Well, I bought some PASALUBONG (so excited to go home!) for my two sisters. I bought them from papemelroti and one from National Bookstore. You know what surprised  me? (1) The separation of the female and male entrance plus their very strict security and (2) The renovated National Bookstore! Weeeeee :) I missed school supplies hunting. 

By God's grace it's sembreak sooooooooon! God is so great that several deadlines of  requirements were extended til next week! Exams are even rescheduled on Friday. And really, to make the most of this ending semester is to give our best as well as sleep little, if still possible at all.

 #God really knows I am no superhuman

Finally, my God, Daddy, Best Friend ... Everything, never fails to make me

(sciencebuzz.org)

even during my "unblogged" days and every single day.

#my right to write

the randomness of  my thoughts

HIS Practical Test

Minutes ago, I told a classmate that I'll start reviewing, for it is the only clear thing that I can and I NEED to do now. 

But, 

I just can't.

Now is the very time I just want to burst out and cry and disappear and ...

It is stress.

Yes it is.

A reality we can so often ignore or try to rationalize or not even notice.

I am at loss for words. Or I do not just want to say piling tasks, busyness, unending to-do-lists again.(I just typed it, didn't I?)

I try to seek comfort, enlightenment, from where then it can come from?

I am only brought to one concrete realization.

PRAGMATISM.

If I added question marks to your brain, I'm sorry. But it's the very one word I could think of.

It has something to do with LEARNING through PRACTICE / practical application.

I had for so numerous, countless times (in much exaggeration) wrote of so many things regarding doing things with, for and because of the Lord, about God helping us, about Him as our comfort and strength and all ideologies, beliefs and principles in Christian life and studies.

I am grieved that at one point or in many instances, these things stay as mere knowledge. Idealistic ideas. Will they come to a reality in our lives or stay as what has been termed as mere "COGNITION" of the brain?

We learn things by doing, We know we learned if there is a change that took place.

What is happening at this very moment is God's practical test for me to apply the lessons, insights He had given me so generously. 

We stop just knowing. We start acting on what we know and believe in.

God's Words and the insights He gives are really meant to change lives.

May I continue to be changed through His practical tests. (especially on this one--- stress, studies)

Out of the abundance of bliss :D

I was drowned in sadness this morning.
But you know what, tonight, I say:
"World, you give me a number of reasons to be sad, but HE gives me countless reasons to smile." =)

Yes, the above is my current status. I just want to pour out what joy that cannot be explained has God placed in my heart, replacing the overwhelming sorrows of the morning.

Right here, right now, I want to simply reiterate the simplest sources of joy that can be available to anyone.

(1) A talk with Ate Ayna, a dorm mate of mine. Do you ever wonder how the simplest of conversation with others makes you feel so light and better?

(2) Is the lady guard at the PNU Gate. Did you know that when she greeted me that morning, I smiled? Think about the thousands of students in PNU. The thousands who walked in towards that gate! How many times do you think has she spoken good morning? Do the math :)

(3) BOO!   

Her picture in our discussant's report made me smile so big! My picture won't make you smile, but hers would give you every reason to! Cuuuute! :)

(4) Cheering Mami Ericka up and being with HC uplifted my spirit. :)

(5) Attending TUP LAYF (Youth Fellowship) a while ago strengthened me, gave me time to laugh and the very moment God told me my very status.

The theme a while ago was "Hungry birds need the Biggest Lover" 

Cool, right? :)

I get to meet other Christians, play a youth fellowship game and my passion rekindled while seeing new baby Christians. During prayer time I interceded for each of our spiritual growth, that God bless each youth inside the gym and that we all might know Him more. 

I am amazed at the works of His hands. :)

(6) And just moments ago, I met my high school friends at SM - San Marcelino St. and Pelita, the birthday celebrant yesterday, a lady now (18th b-day!) treated Joy and me at MCdo, at the real SM Mall. =)

Haha. You also want that Hot fudge sundae, don't you? :))

So we spent the hours eating again and guess what, I was cracking jokes mostly the whole time! Well, that made me a whole lot better :)

(7) Lastly, I know Daddy inside me is the reason for my joy. 

"The fear of the Lord leads to life, and whoever has it rests satisfied;" Proverbs 19:23 (His love letter this morning :)

I'll end this outpour of my heart with this anecdote or I'm not sure how to categorize it.. a blabber?:

It was my first time to enter TUP a while ago, then as we were walking, a male student's voice resounded in my ears:

Kuya: Ay, pike si ate oh.

Well, sino pa ba ang pike noong oras na iyon kundi ako. Haha.

Ako: Ano sisther, ipapako ko na ba yun sa krus? :D

But my thought about it was: "Lord, gusto kong ipako yung kuyang yun ah, haha, pero diba pinako ka na para sa mga kasalanan ko, tsaka sa mga kasalanan ng kung sino mang kuyang yun?"

Then, I forgave him.

Now, I'll end this and go back to the dorm.

Smile dear reader (kahit may pagkacorny ako :D) =)

Pelita will accompany me back to the dorm, and I'll give her my gift with the blue, cute wrapper! :)

Good Night. :D 

P.S.

Count the smiling faces I've typed and multiply it by a thousand.

That's how happy I am. :DDDD