07.18.10 (A supposed entry for Sunday)

* older sister got a new hair cut

anne (youngest sis): ate abbie, nagmuhkang bata si ate sa gupit niya

me: uu nga, ate para kang 4th year highschool

ate: [no comment siya pero nakangiti (haha)]

me: eh ako ba anne?

anne: ikaw, lagi kang stressed eh....

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so I look old and unhappy right? ...*sobs*

I didn't know I looked and acted that way in front of them. I thought, compared to my senior year, I looked better now, not as stressful like I was before...

It did strike me and made me draw back from every busyness that I had.

I needed to check my study habits and my driving force for everyday living. Did I miss that it's becoming unhealthy?

Though I give time for God and think about Him more often, was it enough to allow Him to really take full control of every single undertaking and move of mine?

Do I keep Him in the pious secret place where we meet, for pious thoughts, feelings and emotions then exclude Him for other business that I have?

Let me share my letter to Him that Sunday night:

Lord, this is going to be one tough night.

Racing  to meet deadlines, finishing the things I require myself to accomplish and as I perceive it, it's already tough.

Although, why would I exactly do all these things and as a friend of mine asked, "what is the purpose of living?"

When assignments, projects demand too much, things you need to do and lessons to review pile up, along with other things necessicated by emergencies or needs f the moment.. what keeps you moving?

(Now it's somwewhat an answer that came out as I write, and I believe it came from Him) 

When you know you work and live for the purpose of glorifying God and living for Him alone, then no matter what comes your way, you'll not get easily tired. Your mind is set that you live to serve Him in every work that you do.

So when you know you can glorify Him, even as you eat or drink, why hold that rewarding fulfillment when you can, in  limitless and infinite ways do the purpose for which you were made?

No freedom is like it when you serve the purpose of your life. Liberation alone comes from being able to move about in the sole reason of your existence - to do what pleases HIm and makes the Him smile. This is what I truly desire...

*"I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint." Jeremiah 31: 25 (Sunday word)

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A better, more useful place other than the forgotten memory

The rush of flowing water from a faucet left open and not in use would have alarmed my mother and made her shout, "Patayin yang gripo, sayang ang tubig!" 

Disappointment and rage would be evidently seen on her face, but she has very right to be upset about it. 

Water is indeed precious. Every drop left counts. An article I've read recently stated that water scarcity now looms worldwide. Some 1.2 billion people have now limited access to it. Even so, "the effects of population, urbanization and climatic change has made it more scarce".

But my intention is not to give water conservation lessons. I have in mind a precious thing like water that could be wasted if left unused or taken for granted.

Ten thousand of this pass through our minds a day. We could sort them out as interesting or non sense, clear or vague, positive or negative.. but each is an amazing abstract of the brain - a thought.

Different thoughts flood our mind in a day, in an hour, in a minute or even in a second. Everything around us started out from a thought; a creative, incredible idea of the mind.

The Lord's thoughts,beyond human comprehension, have made the vast, unfathomable universe and everything in it possible.

And as He created us in His image, our human thoughts have opened the way for a great number of what we commonly see today; from mechanical equipments/ appliances to automatic and highly advanced technologies. These are the wondrous products of our thoughts.

But like water flowing from a faucet left open and not in use, the rush of thoughts would be wasted and useless. If only dishes were rinsed through it, hands made clean, or a container is filled and stored for future use. That flowing water would have a lot of uses to contribute when it's utilized wisely at its full potential. Imagine the thoughts you could be wasting if you can't speak it out to inform others, encourage a friend or exalt your Savior. Think of the running thoughts that might have slipped out of your memory, drained and could no longer be retrieved because you've not penned it on a paper. Not only did you forget that special thoughts and ideas that God gave you.. but you also missed writing or telling about it that could have helped and blessed someone.

Honestly, I am giving myself a sermon, a written and verbal reprimand. Our God no doubt have created each of us fearfully and wonderfully. I praise Him for the amazing, unlikely and noteworthy thoughts He gives me each day. My guilt and concern is that  I haven't kept a record of it all.

This awakening calls not only to me but to all people, typical or  blessed by unlikely, special thoughts. My dear creative thinkers, be it writing, blogging or speaking.. let these gems of thoughts out :o.

Don't waste the running thoughts while they're still abundant. Place it in a better, more useful place other than the forgotten memory.

An appeal ( from Ate Joan) :)

This is something I have been thinking of blogging about but haven't had enough stream of thought to finish an entry.

Firstly, I have been observing the youth, yes, young men and women alike. And I (just me) therefore conclude that we have a problem on waiting. Yes! Waiting on God with regard to love life. Sometimes, we assume that we got waiting-on-God figured out. We think we're doing the right thing when we just don't go into exclusive relationships. We feel that our hearts are okay just because we are not committed to anyone. As subtle as the enemy can get, we wake up one day and wonder why have we reached a state where clearly something is wrong. It's either we are hurt and we try to blame anyone, even our own selves, or we've hurt someone for reasons we weren't aware of. One way or another, we're doing our math wrong. No Relationship/Being Single = Waiting on God. 

Hence, I'd like to appeal, firstly to the guys. 

Young ladies are your sisters. I echo a song when I say this, please be careful with our hearts. Please don't TOUCH us-- physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

PHYSICALLY. In case you don't know, women are stimulated by touch. Don't pinch or squeeze our hands, cheeks, arms, shoulders, hair, etcetera! No matter how purely your "friendship gesture" is, we have to admit that women like it. We are affection-wired creatures. And there would always be a tendency that a girl would fall for a guy who constantly does what I just mentioned above.

MENTALLY. Please don't do things that will make ladies think about you from time to time. Don't establish a regular texting communication line. Even if it's sent to everyone else, so long as it's regular, girls would get used to it and might build expectations that you can't meet in the end. Same thing over the internet (chats, exchange of comments). Don't get me wrong. It's okay to text and chat and exchange comments with girls, especially if the girl is a real and close friend. But be more aware if the things you talk about are of importance and are building both of your character. And also, it's always best to talk in person. To exchange insights in person. That way, the friendship you're building gets real and deeper without any pretensions. You may argue that girls are the ones who reply or even text first but you are the leader. Man leads, remember? So, please help your sisters. 

EMOTIONALLY. It is sweet of you to offer help and comfort in times of trouble. However, doing so would be putting both of you into a difficult situation. It's like creating another problem. Husbands and wives ought to share burden with one another. But we are singles. This is the season where burdens are to be shared with our friends in the same gender. If a girl comes to you seeking advice or a listener, point her to an ate or another girl friend whom she can talk things over. Our struggles are entirely different from yours. Though it may look like you are not being good, in reality you are serving your sister and pleasing the Lord. On the other hand, your problems when shared to us make us feel like we have to help you in every way we can. And that is real danger. We would be taking the place of the only woman God has designed for you to be a helper, in the right time and place. Woman was created to be the suitable helper of man. But only when God wills it to be. All of us, men and women, can look to Jesus for help and comfort and love. 

Next, I appeal to my co-princesses in the Lord.

No matter how determined our brothers in the Lord are in serving us right, if we don't do our part, we would be luring them to do the don'ts. Let us follow Shannon Harris' principle in dressing-- dress NOT to attract but to simply be attractive. It's purely alright that we dress up and wear makeup but to be beautiful face-value wise shouldn't be our priority. Dare we not aim to turn heads toward our direction. Instead, let us seek ways to attracting people (both genders) into looking to Jesus and turn their heads upward. Through the things I've asked from the guys, we now know our weaknesses. Now that we know it, let's do something about it. 

Touchy. I understand that as ladies, we are all touchy in more ways than one. But let us not use this excuse in dealing with our guy friends. Lest, we get misinterpreted. 

On Texting. If ever you have a guy friend right now whom you text/chat a lot, evaluate yourself. Are you already looking forward to every message coming from him? Ask yourself why is it so. Compare. Do you smile unconsciously upon receiving a message from him? Do you smile that way still when the message is from your other friends? What kind of messages do you exchange? How long does your texting/chatting go on? Several times a day? Continuously for a few hours? When something good, bad, exciting or boring happens to you, do you feel the urge to immediately text that person? If yes, then, I bet your heart is on its way to being deceived and hurt. Try to lessen your replies until such time that both of you no longer find the need to text each other. 

Close, Open. Do we really think that this guy friend is the one whom we can find the best comfort and best solution to our problems? Is he really the best listener we've got? I tell you, not. No. My answer would always be Jesus. It is best. No, it is PERFECT to run to Him in times of difficulty. And when physical affection is a good fix, try a sister. The family of God isn't so small that you can't find a friend from the same race as mother Eve. 

What happens when we think he/she is the one? For real.

There will come a time when you'd think you are ready to commit. I always say that women are blessed to be in the waiting position. Men are tasked to pursue. And for this, I'd like to tell an anonymous story... 

A guy is starting to fall in love with his friend. He starts noticing and admiring how passionate she is for the Lord, how caring she is to her family and friends, how lady-like she is, etcetera, etcetera. He isn't ready yet. So is she. So he prays and asks God to lead his feeling for this girl to the right path. There were times they were separated by distance or by choice. He didn't take steps that would make the girl think and feel she is special to him. Through God's grace, their friendship grew to be one of those that leads young people to Christ more and more. Then came the time where the guy is now ready to pursue. He prays and realizes the girl isn't ready yet for a relationship. BECAUSE of love, and God's grace, this guy didn't pursue the girl YET. He did not want to confuse the lady he loves. It was hard. Especially when he hears that there are attempts from other good-looking, ideal men to court this girl. But he waited patiently and trusted God. More so, he entrusted her to HIM. Later on, when the girl was ready, God gave the guy the go-signal and from then on, their hearts knew they were the Adam and Eve of each other. 

There. I've finally written something about this. Sorry that it's quite long. 

You may disagree by all means to what I've said. Feel free to tell me. These are personal convictions. When young sisters come to me with a heart-problem, I tell them these. 

I, myself, went through these. And practical tips helped me overcome. Sometimes, I still find myself wandering but with Jesus on my side, my heart is made whole over again. The Holy Spirit is quick enough to convict me. . . to warn me. Remember Paul's word, that we should be careful when we think we are standing strong because we might fall. 

These are practical things. But it actually matters less what specific things we do to keep our hearts focused on God alone IF compared to HIS enabling grace. 

Also, seeking to be faithful to the one God has destined for us to be with is good. But seeking to protect our hearts because we realize our hearts are God's possessions is way better.

Ultimately, digging deep into His Word and following the example of Jesus will lead us to lives free from deceived hearts. 

In His Love,

ate Joan =)

RELAX

12: 04 am on the pc clock

Monday

If we weren't meant to keep starting over...

would God have granted us Monday?

[stick a geranium in your hat and be happy!]

[From the book:Stick a Geranium in your hat and be Happy!]

Dear God 

I have sinned

Against Heaven 

And against You

I am no longer worthy to be called Your child

Child I know... I know...

But My Son

Is forever Worthy

To be called your Savior..

"Forever Worthy" 

-Ruth Harms Calkin-

Lord, 

There are countless things in my life

That are inexcusable

There are things unaccountable

And things unexplainable

There are things irrefutable

And things irresponsible.

But it comes to me with unutterable relief

That because of Your amazing love

Nothing in my life is unforgivable

"Beautiful Fact"

-Ruth Harms Calkin-  

O God,

What shall I do?

I am at the total end 

Of Myself

Wonderful, dear child!

Now start your new beginning

With Me.

-Ruth Harms Calkin-

[read the book a month ago.. I didn't know it could still help me right now..a month later. ]

a little dazed

Haven't blogged for a month...

So many things happened...

I just didn't gave time...

Now...I can't fully express how i feel...

Do not shrink from weeping

I gave you tears for emotional release.

Don't try to hide your grief.

Let it become your source of healing,

A process of restoration,

For I have planned it so.

Those who mourn shall be blessed.

I'll be holding on to you,

Even when you feel you can't hold on to me.

-Haven of Rest, Newsletter-

(from the book: stick a geranium in your hat and be happy! barbara johnson)

Thought you know it all..

Sometimes I think, I understand everything...

Then, I regain consciousness..

-Ashleigh Brilliant-

i didn't know pen could give might...

the quotation "pen is mightier than sword"may be considered a cliche now..

it means that writing is greater than blood shed.. and oh that was Jose Rizal's time..

today, in my life.. i didn't now i could draw strength from writing,, though not from the literal pen itself..

it just gives me hope and encouragement as i'm amazed how the words form when I let out what's on my mind..

i could have spent hours typing and writing..but I don't think i'll get so bored with it.. i'm loving it..

many unspoken thoughts that I have now reside on this blog  and on the papers where I write...

they become may aid for speaking... and they let me draw strength and passion from them..

but i want to live to see this writing of mine help the people around me.. I want to see God touch others' lives through it.. if not... continuing to write will be useless... 

having the best time of our lives

"teen-agers today may say that they're having the best time of their lives having a relationship with the opposite sex..but for me I'm having the best time of my life being a Christian."

how inspired I was listening to him say that. I really ought not to be so inanimate about my Christianity when other Christians are the happiest people on earth as they allow God to work through them...

by the way, the quoted words above were said by kua jp at our Friday's midweek fellowship in Lalaan.

just at the very time you don't feel like attending.. that's the very time  you should. you would realize in the end how blessed you are that God seemingly dragged you out of your house just so you could be there...

another blessing he spoke is that we, as Christians, did not gain freedom from our sins or past alone... but we also got the freedom to be whom God designed us to be. We are free to be the very person God wants us to be! 

yes i was blessed..

i felt God speaking through Bro. Lynard as we were all kneeling and he led us in prayer during the altar call..

asking forgiveness from God since we have long walked in our flesh' desires and in our own strength alone..; thus, now praying to live by the Spirit and the AUTHORITY God has given us..

asking forgiveness as well for our disbelief...and for limiting our God

and lastly..being assured that God will give us peace, happiness and provide EVERYTHING.. just to fulfill His work through us as we learn to obey..

i was really reminded : obedience is costly but disobedience is even costlier..

Now, I really want to have the best time of my life with God as long as I live. Everyday would be so exciting as I wait on His work through my life. 

Grace undeserved

How often I simply say "I really don't deserve this. I am undeserving..

We may realize how much undeserving we are but our realization must not just stop with that. 

We should be utterly moved at How much grace, mercy and love He pours just to equate with all of our shortcomings.

The more we see ourselves undeserving, the more we should see Him incomparably WORTHY.

worthy of all our praises..and our Everything.

Let not your eyes wander...

Don't be led astray...

The core of Christianity isn't about changing yourself..

It isn't about forced obedience or pressure...

Breathe...

Set your eyes to Him..

A relationship with our Savior..

He is the core of Christianity...

Getting to know him.. loving him... and letting him love you just as you are.

Thus...transformation and obedience are fruits and bonuses in our Christian journey...

LRT-ignorant no more :D

The world turned upside down for me today.

Yesterday was sorrow-FULL  and today is a HAPPY day. 

 I had a good laugh and absolutely a noteworthy experience.

our destination: Philippine Normal University (our future school)

I was anticipating the time I'd see my two closest friends!

Namiss ko tlaga c sol and kamelle. And super excited ako na makita sila! 

(Now I feel like writing in taglish) haha

That maybe the reason why I awoke minutes before 4am just to prepare...

I just felt sad and convicted that I was trying to avoid a very special Person in my life early that morning.

the person who never gives up on me when I always give up on Him..

Things went fast and when I saw them both.. I could imagine years back then... when we started our friendship... 

                                    

 hahaha 

Then.. there we are.. going to our future university.. still together. 

Sana lang hindi kmi mg-sawa sa mga sarili nmin..hahaha

And there right on the bus with these two people ever close to my heart (ang drama haha) 

I felt free. 

Free from my worries and lonesome self. 

Free from negative and painful thoughts that often engulfed me in my solitude...

I was just there with them in presence, in thoughts and in emotion ... 

It felt so easy like breathing..

And they make me these poetic..

We talked about so many things along the way, that though the heat was unbearable.. we hardly noticed it..

b a c k  to m y  s t o r y..

( in tagalog ) :

bakit nga ba wala ng LAWTON bus?

yan ang tanong ko habang naglalakad kami sa ilalim na tila nagliliyab na araw sa baclaran. bumaba na kami ng bus at natapos din ang  kwentuhan. sa totoo lang, hindi namin alam kung saan kami pupunta, saan nga ba ang lrt?. dalawang beses ata namin natanong sa mga tao doon. ganyan kami kaignorante. hahaha. pero ok naman ang aming napagtanungan at nakarating kami sa aming paroroonan...whew! parang mas feel ko na ang english..hahaha

upon seeing the lrt station, guess who's so excited? None but ME. It's actually my first time to ride the lrt at proud akong sabihin -nakasakay na ko! hahaha. LRT-ignorant no more na tlga. (super aliw naman ang dalawa kong ksama sa akin dahil sa sobrang excitement ko.hehe)

I wish Sol could upload my pic in the station so I could also post it. ^^

I was amazed knowing how and what it is to ride the lrt. 

The card they use.. the nervousness I felt when I inserted it then see it pop up again... 

The thought of losing it.. .

But these random thoughts just passed and I found myself inside the lrt.. standing ovation. hehe

What an experience to stand the whole travel during my first ride. It was but an unforgettable experience. 

From Central.. we had a long (malapit lang daw for jaspher hehe), melting (literally. haha) walk to PNU. 

o i bet the three of us were nervous,  the thought of people looking at us and probably thinking "are they applying for highschool?"hahaha

o we walked over again outside the campus knowing that we need 1x1 pictures. (thanks a lot to chatters cafe for the scan and print)hahaha

o we had our physical examination finsihed and got along with a newfound friend - Mary Joyce-Anne Bernabe 

o she had this ruffa mae intonation and i had a good laugh today because of her sense of humor..hahaha

o we ate at chowking (our all-time favorite pork chow fan) 

o sol and kamelle got a bit angry with me coz i told them i'll buy a ballpen at National bookstore and when I walked out of the store I also had a highlighter and sharpener with me.. so fickle-minded.. hahaha

o we waited a long time again for our turn in the office of admissions

o whew! after hours of waiting..we finally found ourselves there.. funny to say, we were exchanging numbers with the students behind us just so we could be in one section..hahaha "we can really be together if we choose to" as kamelle says

o I had a zagu treat from kamelle! thanks a lot..:D

o I was squeezed in the LRT!  It was not that worse this morning. I felt so uneasy..huhu

o We were dropped at baclaran and sol picked an lrt transport card.. she gave it to me! yippee...hahaha..

o We spotted a Cavite - Batangas bus right there :)

o It was so hot and we were so tired.. i wish you could have seen our worn out faces in sol's phone..haha.. but it was a relief we were heading home.. 

It was just when I got home I realized many things...

o I felt as if Someone willed for me to be happy knowing that I was in distress

o Someone made me realize how beautiful the friendships I can have with people

o Someone told me right in front of my face that a new chapter in my life awaits like the LRT adventure. 

o He told me that I need not hold on in riding those buses of sadness and past again and I ought to see the LRT, the NEW things that awaits.

o He told me that I know exactly where I've gone astray in the same places and asks me to look forward to the place that He KNOWS.. and where His guidance is.

I know I'm no longer an LRT ignorant. 

It's not because I've ridden once . I know I will continue to ride,..

        and above all, it's because He KNOWS.

poetic, lonesome fool

21.04.10

09:55pm

dark, dreary night. she could barely sleep.

"withering leaves.. indispensable decay...

pain will you not flee? will you not step away?

liberate me oh blows of wind..

bring me to a place so safe and secure

wash away all my hurt and insecurity..oh friendly storm

hold me captive and isolate me from the world.."

tears now stop falling from her eyes

though pain has not banished

she wonders if the fountain inside her has run dry

Had it not possess life to sustain its current?

she foresees the enticing rest...

oh how she awaits the sleep never ending

had it find her now?

"find me...quickly..."

My account will be back. This immaturity will pass.

APRIL 21 2010. 148 days after. almost 6 months

She didn't know hearts could literally ache.... until now.

Her jaw dropped as she was staring at the screen.

She could feel the nerves in her head telling her brain to register "PAIN"

She was unconscious that tears were starting to flow from her eyes.

But then she knew she was wrong.

It was only a drop that made itself seen on the surface of the computer desk.

She touched it and knew for once that regret and hurt once again overwhelmed her.

Out of shock, a reflex to pain most probably, she did just that... 

deactivate her facebook account

It left her blaming herself and hiding in tears.

"I never should have done those things!"

And she was left whispering..."Lord,,, help..."

"The tears won't stop... It's flowing inside me..

Lord, be my escape...

Take me away and wrap me tightly in your arms..

If possible.. don't ever bring me back to where I've been.."