A Letter to My Future Working Self

In a week's time, I'll no longer be an unofficially employed individual. I'll be officially working as an English tutor to Koreans and at the same time, I'll still be serving in the Campus Ministry- my unofficial employment for almost 6 months now.

Campus Ministry Teachers, clad in our uniquely-colored uniform :)

People have asked me countless times - "Why don't you work?" "Why don't you apply in a school as an official teacher?" The answer I say over again is that I am committed to the Campus Ministry as a volunteer teacher in Gen. Vito Belarmino High School, Lucsuhin, Silang, Cavite. I teach Values Education (using a curriculum we modified) every Monday and Thursday to two sections in 4th year.

With my 4F co-teacher, Ma'am Amie :)

With my 4C co-teacher, Ma'am Mae :)

Sharing my testimony to my students 

I don't want my unemployed days to end without sharing the insights I've gained and the experiences I've had. And as I am so fond of letters, I opted to write to my future working self.

To My Future Working Self,

I write to you today to tell you that you can look back and never regret this year that you offered to the Lord- as a seemingly full-time worker in His workplace. I tell you that this has been the best, the most blessed, joyous, and content year of your life.

These were days when you hardly knew where to get your resources (money for visuals, prices, fare and etc.) but every day God surprised you in how He provides for all of your needs! These were days when you were penniless, but full of joy, love and peace. These were days when you have formed deep friendships with people who have the same love you have for the Lord. These were days when your heart took the fastest time that it could to heal- something that you thought it can never do. These were days when your heart has fallen out of love with things that didn't really matter and has fallen in love with or has rekindled its affection for all worthwhile things.

These are days you can look back to and tell yourself that there was no better way to have spent your year after graduation than to spend it wholly for the Lord.

These are days that you can learn from now that you are working. These days will remind you that your current work, salary, or your ability to buy the things that you want won't fully satisfy.You will always find out that nothing compares to being able to spend quality time with the Lord. 

And when your heart wanders and your priorities shuffle, look back to these days and relearn that He is your priority. Living your life is for Him be it in the Lord's workplace or in this world's. 

Remember as well to have time for the things that interest you and make you happy. (Photography, nature, reading, etc.) Never fail to see how beautiful life is!

Never lose the excellence you continually strive to bring to the Lord in all that you do especially that you realized during your unemployed days that we ought to never give God "leftovers" in the ministry.

Never lose your fire and passion, even your intimacy with the Lord now that you are a working individual.

Never forget all the learning that being unemployed has bountifully given you.

Looking forward to having you read and learn from this,
-Your non-working self

The work of His hands

Because of the LET Result, more people are now aware of my complete name: ANICETE, MARY ABEGAIL ANCANAN. Aside from that, the happiness I feel is now shared and known by many.

But before the long wait was over, I had a grander dream. I could imagine what incomparable joy I'd feel if I not only passed the LET but TOPPED it!

This was my dream. This was my heart's desire. This dream and the verse I held on for so long are posted near my study table to keep me motivated:

Even as I write this, these are still posted in my then "study room" 

God did not give me a specific answer whether He'll really let me top the LET or not but I was certain He always spoke of favor- His favor that He'll pour out in my life. For months, I struggled. I told God to let me let go of that desire if it was not His will. But the desire remained.

Last Monday, a friend of mine posted on my FB wall: "congrats biee <3" and then I asked her what it was for, and then she told me that I PASSED THE LET. My hands and arms were shaking as I checked it on the internet. I was so happy to see my name in the list and I jumped for joy around the house as I announced the good news to my family and to the people close to my heart. But shortly after the overwhelming feeling, it sank into me- I passed the LET but did not top it.

It wasn't a serious heart break. In fact, I was happy. But I had to admit that deep inside, I felt a little sad that I wasn't able to reach my goal.

When I spent time with the Lord the next morning, I told Him that I was sorry for not being grateful enough. I also asked Him: "Lord, have I not heard you all along? Have I not listened well? Why haven't I let go of that desire so I'd not feel disappointed now? What are you trying to teach me or tell me through this?"

The Lord reminded me a simple yet moving insight: I do not use Him to fulfill my own agenda. He uses me and leads me to fulfill His agenda in my life.

"You are my God. I am NOT. I'm so sorry for always trying to be lord of my life. Reinforce Your lordship in my life. Your way, not mine. Your will, not mine. I do not use You to fulfill my agenda, You are to use me and lead me for Your agenda in my life."

I was moved even more when I read His Word and He led me to Psalm 92.

Psalm 92: 1,4 

"It is good to give thanks to the Lord, to sing praises to Your name, O Most High; 

For You O Lord have made me glad, by Your work, at the work of Your hands I sing for joy.

To PASS the LET is God's beautiful will for my life- and the BEST plan that He has for me. It is God's work that I passed the LET and it is not by my own wisdom and might. I could have been one of the 51,036 examinees out of 77,803 who did not make it, but God didn't let that happen. I was among the 26,767 successful examinees who made it because of His favor! And as His agenda continues to unfold in my life-  I sing for joy at the work of His hands!

50 Books Ahead

I, a future English teacher, have a number of confessions to make:

1.)    I deserve the title Abbie, Duchess of Sleepyland

2.)    I can be nominated The World’s Laziest Person.

3.)    I detest teachers who are not passionate in what they do; those who teach simply to earn a living.

And brace yourself for the worst one:

4.)   I DID NOT STUDY FOR A MIDTERM EXAM a while ago.

My realization about my third confession is a slap on my face. Who am I to detest a teacher who’s not passionately teaching when I AM a student who’s not passionately studying? It boils down to taking the log off my own eyes before I pinpoint the speck in others’ eyes. Even more, RESPECT for every teacher should always prevail.

Looking at my four confessions, it is very evident that my study habits are at its worst these days. The reconstruction I was trying to achieve came to a halt. The Christian student, doing everything for His glory, is nowhere to be found.

Being the Abbie that I am, I would always ask myself “Why is this happening to me?” My whole world of idealism for a perfect student and a perfect example as a future teacher is RUINED.

Or so I’d thought.

As I try to ponder, experiencing these failures and struggles as a student are my stepping stones to fully relate with and help my students. Where could I ever get the expertise in giving effective advice in dealing with sloth and laziness unless I have gone through those things myself?

And that’s one thing I really anticipate. I’m excited to be able to deal with these recurring student syndromes and be of help to my students (or even to other people) in the future.

I’ll end with what I heard a while ago from a passionate teacher who inspires our class: 50 books ahead. We are to be 20 or 50 books ahead from our students. However, this doesn’t literally mean we must be able to read 50 books more than they have (well it could be great if that’s really the case). This could mean that we are ahead in the experiences and learning we’ll have.

In my case, I want to be 50 books ahead in SUCCESSFULLY dealing with sloth, laziness and other student syndromes to be as what Howard Hendricks said a “running stream than a stagnant pool” to my future students.

He Proved Me Wrong

During the days, weeks, months and years that have passed, I always believed in my heart that teaching was the dream profession that God has planted in my heart. But I believed in that dream, not my ability to realize that dream. I believe that I am called to be a teacher but doubted myself and my skills in order to be one.

            This specific paragraph from my previous blog clearly shows my state a week ago:

“This Junior year makes me realize the weight of how much needs to be broken in me to make me a full-grown teacher. Endless demonstration teaching would equal to countless times spent speaking in public. It would mean the need of a louder voice than my loudest. It would mean leading not a number of kids but a whole class. It would mean forever stepping out of my comfort zone. And it actually freaks me out right now. Questioning God if teaching is really the profession He wills for me--- has passed through my mind more than once.”

            I know that lately, the Lord has dealt with my fears and worries. Thus, He reminded me of possessing a mind secured and in peace like His. But yesterday, He wanted me to possess His eyes as well. He wanted me to see something that I have always victoriously failed to see. He wanted me to see how He sees me.

            A demo teaching that I used to dread about has finally started yesterday. It wasn’t a full-blown demo because we only needed to demonstrate giving a listening activity in class. The night before this (Wednesday) my blog was about being secure and in peace.

            So although I started doing my listening activity late at night, I enjoyed a lot while I was doing it. And that was the time I really felt that it was the Holy Spirit who gave me the idea for the activity I made. “…and He will be the stability of your times, abundance of…wisdom”Isaiah 33:6 was the verse I was holding on to, believing that it is really God who gave me wisdom.

            Even in the morning, as I printed and photocopied the worksheets, I encountered more than one problem. I was definitely tempted to fret, fear and say Halaaaaaa many times but “There will be peace and security in my days.” Isaiah 39:8 was the promise that kept me from doing so.

            And before I started my demo, trusting God was still the thing that my heart longed to do.

            The result of the demo teaching is not something I want the world to know and read about so they can see how great I am. The victory is to show the work of the true and living God in the life of a weak-timid-fearful-pessimistic-person whom He gradually molds to become a strong-bold-faithful-positive GREAT English Teacher.

            As a person whose love language is words (I think so) it is my desire to take account of the strengths my professor and classmates saw in me. And probably the things that God wants me to see, which He has always seen in me:

These aren’t the exact words they used but I tried my best to rephrase and recall what they said:

“I like your voice. It’s sweet and I could listen to you while you’re reading the listening text twice or thrice and I wouldn’t mind, but of course not the whole day.”

“And you have a good diction…”

“Did you make this blog and worksheet?... “Tuning Into A Blog” is something different… And I like the way you made it”

“Now you already have two materials writer in class…”

“Aside from that [the points of improvement she gave me], what you did was impressive”

(Professor Thei Manicio, our professor in Teaching Listening and Speaking)

 

“Congrats Abbie, ang galing mo…”

“Favorite teacher…J”

“Kung ako studyante mo aattend ako lagi ng klase mo…”

“Magiging magaling kayong teachers…”

(Random dialogue of my HC Family)

 

For so long, I have focused on the entire negative in myself and in my life. But I could feel God desiring so much to boost my confidence and faith, by letting me experience this victory. I was only used to writing about a favoured life glorifying God. Yet He is continuing to make me the person I always thought I can only write about.

What is boast-worthy is His work in my life and not the victory itself.

And with His work in my life, He proved me wrong.

 

P.S.

Classmates, if you’re pressured and you think that you can’t meet or surpass the seemingly high standards we have set, let His work in your demo prove you wrong!

 

 

An inspiration and instrument of God

This post is my 1st blog entry for my account this school year. And this one’s one of the hardest to put into writing. I feel like the complexity of what I’m feeling and experiencing made words unfit or hard to put together to convey the message I wish to share. (What a dilemma for a writer!)

Yet thankfully, one person inspired me yesterday. She seemed to have given me a paper with the outline of what I needed to write.

The person adding up to my list of inspirations is Patty. You do not know her, do you? Let me introduce this amazing person to you. Patty was a classmate of mine last school year, but now she isn’t anymore because she was granted as a Global Exchange student to study in America (North Carolina to be exact) and she’ll be leaving this August.

(Here's a photo of her:)

I am not inspired by the mere fact that she was granted the Fulbright scholarship, but I am “inspired to tears” about HOW she got there.

She shared her experiences as an English Major during “e-merge”: in our General Assembly. And I tell you, when she gave me a note during our class activity that read: “You remind me of gravity.” I am pretty sure while listening to her speech that the note was rather meant for her.

I did not see someone up on stage, bragging about the scholarship hundreds of people applied for, saying “I received this because I am good. I have all the skills and intelligence in the world to qualify for this.”

Rather, I saw someone who shared how she seemed unfit in the beginning for that kind of scholarship. She shared how she cried during her interview for our majorship. She shared how she could not even recite in classroom discussions unless she has memorized what she’ll say. I can never take this against her as a way of revealing her weaknesses. No, through this she has shown all English majors and professors what her greatest strength was: humility. And this mark of humility keeps me crying until now.

And as her classmate and friend, I know that the advice she gave in her speech to “Give your best” did not remain a cliché, it possessed grander impact, for from her life, “best” is truly displayed in every single thing she does.

She retold her experience during the interview for the Fulbright scholarship and it was an exact opposite of her interview for our majorship. She said that she was able to confidently answer all the questions raised. I am in no doubt that she has grown so much because of her humility and hard work.

Through Patty, I felt God consoled my heart. The message my heart was longing for, He impressed to me through her.

And what was I going through? Why did I need comfort?

One: This statement was all that I could write yesterday as I attempted to write: There has to be some way to put up with expectations that are seemingly too ideal.

                Simply put, discouragement has its subtle way of attacking me these days. Giving God all the glory through doing good in my studies was something I boldly, emotionally written for the youth blog. But I feel like I have set my hopes and expectancy too high. I feel like I could not attain it. I feel like I do not glorify God at all, for I seem to be an ordinary student. The distinction between God’s students and the world’s I could not let others see.

Two: What a professor told me when I was being interviewed for Literature majorship way back when I was a freshman, lingers on my mind: “You’re pitifully shy, how can you become a teacher?”

            This Junior year makes me realize the weight of how much needs to be broken in me to make me a full-grown teacher. Endless demonstration teaching would equal to countless times spent speaking in public. It would mean the need of a louder voice than my loudest. It would mean leading not a number of kids but a whole class. It would mean forever stepping out of my comfort zone. And it actually freaks me out right now. Questioning God if teaching is really the profession He wills for me--- has passed through my mind more than once.

The exact words of how to deal with these things did not came from Patty’s speech. But she is the reason, the instrument God used for my realizations.

One: I felt that she has her own share of feeling like she could not do something, or feeling like she could never attain something. I was inspired to know someone who felt this before, has surpassed this and now could do things and has attained something. Plus, who told me it is only by getting good grades in school that I will glorify my God? The Lord impressed upon me that when we fail and not remain as a failure, it is another way of glorifying Him.

Two: Patty gave me a different view on weaknesses. Somehow these weaknesses that we have are to be embraced. They can be celebratory after all. Her admission of weaknesses made God the strong deliverer in her life. This humility turned our eyes from herself to the work God has done in her life. I am in tears to say that I’ll be grateful for who I am: the Abbie abounding in weaknesses because through this, people will see the great strength of my God and His work in my life. The verse: “For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor. 12:10) has never been this alive. Only, it could be exactly this version: “For when I am weak, then HE is strong.”

 

Patty, I know that God will always be with you and will surely bless you in the journey He has led you to. WCNEHTIATGFY. You can ask Esther the meaning of this one J

Daddy Lord, Truly, you “have established the beginning of every wonder.” (Caedmon) There’s no backing out in the dream profession You have planted in my heart.  ICNTYE. (I can never thank you enough =D) I love you J

To My Future Students

To my future students,

                On an ordinary school day like this you may feel like you don’t want to go to school anymore. It could be one morning when you didn't want to get up, prepare and attend your classes.  That very instance when you just want to stop time and run away from the pressure of studies.

                My dear students, you are not alone. I too, felt it.

                Today as I woke up, I was decided to stay on my bed, probably for eternity.

                My heart was telling me that I was down and defeated while my mind was telling me to move and keep going.

                There exist daily the crossroads of life. The right thing to do or the one that feels good and seems right in your own eyes: which journey will you tread?

                The power to choose which road to take lies in your very hands.

                My future students, be reminded that at these crossroads, Wisdom stands, Wisdom calls. The faintest, softest voice that tells you to persevere and do right (which is the exact thing you don’t feel like doing) is God Himself whispering in love and concern.

                I am still in second year college, on the process of adjustment in this new school year. But I write to you in hope that years from now you’ll reach this point where I am right now. Please, do not give up. Though I know you’ll reach some point of feeling it like I did, but please, never give up. Don’t give in to the temptation of choosing the World’s Wisdom over God’s Wisdom. Though at times you may fail to do so, persist to keep yourself aimed at the narrow gate.

                I am here at present and the road I am taking, you soon will take.

                I know the frailties of our hearts, how weak-willed our flesh can be. But I also know and witness God’s love hovering amidst all these.

                I know you will see His love when you’re about to skip classes and suddenly you still attended them. You can see Him in the move of your hands as you do an assignment. You can see Him in the good health you possess and the allowance He provides just so you can continue to study. You’ll see His love every time you pause and reflect: “God sustains me to continue living and studying even if I don’t ask Him to.”

                But dear student, please I warn you, listen to Wisdom as she stands at the crossroads of your daily life. Listen to her, keep her ways. God’s love is abundant, but favor, hope and a bright future is lacking to those who are content to be a fool.

                You cannot trust what you feel for these lies will only destroy and deceive you. You cannot trust your wisdom for it can be foolishness. Instead, listen and trust what God, our Great Teacher has to say.

                I know no better roadmap to life and to the daily crossroads ahead of you and me than His Roadmap. (The Bible my dear students)

                I pray that the Great Teacher may speak to you. I promised Him that I’ll not give up studying and living my purpose for Him and for all of you.

 

Hoping to teach you soon,

Your future teacher

P.S.

“Never let go of a dream until you’re ready to wake up and make it happen.”

“Blessed is the one who listens to me (Wisdom), watching daily at my gates, waiting beside my doors. For whoever finds me finds life; and obtains favor from the Lord, but he who fails to find me injures himself; all who hate me love death.”

Proverbs 8: 34 - 36 

I Am A Student Learning To Be A Teacher

     "It is good to feel tired when you know that your strength has been used by Him who loves you most. For you know that you can do all things through Him who gives you the strength."

      This was a very special message from my Tatay :)

      True enough, for five days, every teacher's, driver's, cook's and participating worker's strength, voices, energy, mind and patience have been used up and stretched during the DVBS at Lalaan last May 2-6,2011. But all that we had to offer was used by Him who loves us the most, Him who sustains us, Him, our Everything.

      A very sweet moment I had with the Lord after Day 2 was when He led me to this verse during my quiet time:

     "You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound." Psalms 4:7

      I share with you the overflowing joy that I have had.

      Joy from teaching, joy from being with the children God dearly loves, joy with my co-teachers and co-workers, joy from the children's laughter amidst the heat and seemingly chaotic room, joy incomparable with God's presence every moment of the DVBS.

      There was no over time for decoration-making this time. There exist no sleepless nights for drawing, cutting and pasting. The great challenges lay before us during the half day classes.

      I was driven early each morning to plead for God's wisdom, strength, patience and help in teaching the children. One of my greatest fears was to find myself teaching and managing the class by my own strength and knowledge. And so I desired that emptiness, nothingness apart from my Lord.

      And now, I share with you the challenges and experiences of a Head Teacher even a co-teacher. They are far from easy but not near the impossible:

      Teacher in relation with the class - the students:

- The challenge of teaching the Bible Story guided by the Spirit (not by my own strength and knowledge) and careful not to extend beyond the attention span of 4-6 children.

- The challenge of gathering unruly, tame-turned-wild students especially during Day 2.

- The challenge of getting the children's attention, of battling with one voice against the 40 students' combined voices. (Considering my ever soft-spoken nature, I plan to install a microphone inside my vocal chords :O)

- The challenge of making such angels understand the mechanics of a game and drive them to enjoy it.

- The effort of dancing all you can to encourage them to dance as well.

- The challenge of stretching your patience beyond the widest way it has already been stretched.

- The challenge of going on, of keeping on keeping on amidst the drain of energy and the melting heat of the room!

- The challenge of being sensitive to God's leading to the needs of the children in spite of physical exhaustion.

- The challenge of having to gather even a small group of children and help them with the activity sheet when most could not still read nor write.

- The challenge of teaching in the presence of some parents ( a bit nerve-racking)

- The challenge of being an all-around-teacher; a mother to a crying child, maintenance to a spilled lugaw, sopas, champorado and etc., co-artist in decorating the room, overseer inside the classroom, mediator to quarreling children, and the one that I could never forget - nurse to a wounded child.

      During Day 2, the picture of the student with blood in his eyes is still vivid in my memories. You could have seen my about-to-blow-out-into-tears face with the thought that he has been struck by another child with a pencil directly on his eye!  I felt like my heart was crushed and all that I had whispered was the Lord's name while caressing the boy in my arms. But I tell you, God was in control! We found out that there was no wound in his eyes - it was from a wound on his chin, and the blood scattered when he was wiping his eyes. Yes, the Lord protects the children from harm! No plot of the devil shall prevail in God's working in the DVBS.

WARNING: Be careful of flying objects and dragging students inside the classroom. Your weapon against them: love, love, and love.

      Head Teacher to my co-teachers:

- As an overseer to my co-teachers, it was a challenge for me to divide the tasks among them. I knew I needed to be sensitive to their needs and on what they're able to do. ( It felt a bit awkward when I always had to say po and opo since they were all older than me, except one)

- Giving commands is my weakness - I tend to take responsibility by myself but God told me to have an authority and He enabled me to give each member of the team a responsibility of their own.

- Leader = Follower. God taught me to act on what I can do myself but give my co-teachers tasks to do as well.

Our Two Greatest Challenges:

(1) Most of the students do not know their own names! We had a difficulty arranging their activity sheets and finally writing their names on the certificates.

(2) The search for the Most Behave :D (Whew! Didn't know we could find one!) Well, kidding aside, I realized that it's no fluke at all to choose the awardees. It needed painstaking deliberation before we arrived at a decision and thank God we've done it! :) Two thumbs up!

      I am more than grateful for my co-teachers: Teacher Sandy, Teacher Marichu, Teacher Allane, Teacher Candy, Teacher AJ, Teacher Joseph, Teacher Gie - who have been with me some days and most of them the whole time during the DVBS! (Kudos to us! :))

      The Lord gave me a glimpse of what my life will be years from now..... 'till the end - teaching.

      He so widens my heart for the children, the passion in my heart is burning! I am to live the days of my life serving the purpose for which my Great Teacher and Creator intentionally designed me.

      I am a student, learning to be a teacher. And I still have so much to learn and experience! But the thing is, I'm forever His student even if I finally become a teacher by profession. (can't wait O_O)

     [His Next Lesson: 10 - 12 years old Assistant Teacher in Jabez] :O