Refining

All I was able to do when I last checked my Multiply account was change my theme and background.

Countless were my attempts to write. Countless were the times I didn’t succeed.

Deep were the longing and ache felt by the heart that could not achieve what it desired.

Desire. A cliché that I’ve used. Desire to write. Similar to cry.

“Apologies to the heart whose cry… desire… to write was never heeded, constantly ignored.”

Desire isn’t enough. A cry isn’t enough.

In my months of AWOL in writing, I believe God has taken my writing in a process of refining.

The question- “Why do I really write?” had been the brunt of what I was being dealt with.

In my deep thoughts I have come to realize that my motto “write to glorify God” can be my sugarcoat for “write to glorify myself”. Behind my “write to share” can be my hidden motive “write to show off”. The fulfillment of God’s purpose in my life through writing can be subtly replaced by the satisfying of my personal fulfillment.

God had given me a striking reminder at the time when I had no guts and inspiration to write again:

            “Abbie, if you can’t and you don’t have any other reason to do it, let Me be your reason to write again. Let Me be your wisdom to write again. You’re living for me. All for my glory.”

But God would never send an angel to drag me from bed, get me a pen and paper, and miraculously trigger me to write my thoughts.

I remember that Sunday morning, when I opened my eyes and heard Charles Stanley say “Discipline not desire determines your destiny” in a TY program.

Desire isn’t enough.

“The desire to write isn’t enough. You got to discipline yourself to do it!” – I’ve highlighted it on my journal.

This isn’t new to me. “I go with the currents of feeling like writing and have not yet gone against the tide of persistently choosing to write as my commitment.”

            I wrote this last year. And surely, God gives remedial tests for lessons we fail to learn! That’s why it’s called a process. The dealing is continuous.

            And another tough call from God is to “live by what you write”.

            I am pro at writing a lot of things and failing to apply them in my life.

BOOOOOOO. That maybe one hurting reason my writing was long halted.

            The Lord is taking me from the IDEAL that I am to being the REAL he wants me to be. (btw, I’m itching to write about the REAL camp:))))

            He wills that these thoughts I put into writing correspond with what people see in my life. That alone will measure up for a truer impact.

            From  the depths of my reason to write, to the mechanism of how I continue to write (that is, by discipline) up to the impact of my writing (living by what I write) - I stand amazed at how God orchestrates this process of refining.