Let Me Gaze at You

The pen and paper are calling out to me, tugging at me everywhere I go, whispering to me every second of the day.
I am drawn to this account -- drawn to this source of strength and solace.

Words wouldn't come out easily, instantly;  the paper needs to wait. My pen is in a halt.
But my keepsake of writing flamed the passion inside me, this excerpt in my journal, I will now share.


Lord, I wanna gaze at You.
Let me, please let me, make me gaze at You.

Your eyes- looking at me knowingly,
not a concern I have hidden from Your eyes.
Your ears - attentive to all the spoken and unspoken words of my mouth.
Your mouth- awaiting to lavish on me sweet words to uplift and comfort me.
Your hands- desperate to reach me and help me
Your arms- wide open to embrace me and carry me when I can no longer walk.
Your feet- always running towards me, after me, before me and with me.

Let me gaze at You. Make me gaze at You only.

That my eyes will not shed tears of sorrow and pain but of joy and healing.
That my ears will not be filled of voices I could not stand hearing but of Your voice alone.
That my mouth will not speak of mourning and bitterness but of praises and love.
That my hands and arms shall seek Your help and embrace
That my feet will run to You, after You and with You only.

That my heart- will not continue to break but will continue to heal wholly.
All of these as I gaze at You--- gaze at You only.

A Letter to My Future Working Self

In a week's time, I'll no longer be an unofficially employed individual. I'll be officially working as an English tutor to Koreans and at the same time, I'll still be serving in the Campus Ministry- my unofficial employment for almost 6 months now.

Campus Ministry Teachers, clad in our uniquely-colored uniform :)

People have asked me countless times - "Why don't you work?" "Why don't you apply in a school as an official teacher?" The answer I say over again is that I am committed to the Campus Ministry as a volunteer teacher in Gen. Vito Belarmino High School, Lucsuhin, Silang, Cavite. I teach Values Education (using a curriculum we modified) every Monday and Thursday to two sections in 4th year.

With my 4F co-teacher, Ma'am Amie :)

With my 4C co-teacher, Ma'am Mae :)

Sharing my testimony to my students 

I don't want my unemployed days to end without sharing the insights I've gained and the experiences I've had. And as I am so fond of letters, I opted to write to my future working self.

To My Future Working Self,

I write to you today to tell you that you can look back and never regret this year that you offered to the Lord- as a seemingly full-time worker in His workplace. I tell you that this has been the best, the most blessed, joyous, and content year of your life.

These were days when you hardly knew where to get your resources (money for visuals, prices, fare and etc.) but every day God surprised you in how He provides for all of your needs! These were days when you were penniless, but full of joy, love and peace. These were days when you have formed deep friendships with people who have the same love you have for the Lord. These were days when your heart took the fastest time that it could to heal- something that you thought it can never do. These were days when your heart has fallen out of love with things that didn't really matter and has fallen in love with or has rekindled its affection for all worthwhile things.

These are days you can look back to and tell yourself that there was no better way to have spent your year after graduation than to spend it wholly for the Lord.

These are days that you can learn from now that you are working. These days will remind you that your current work, salary, or your ability to buy the things that you want won't fully satisfy.You will always find out that nothing compares to being able to spend quality time with the Lord. 

And when your heart wanders and your priorities shuffle, look back to these days and relearn that He is your priority. Living your life is for Him be it in the Lord's workplace or in this world's. 

Remember as well to have time for the things that interest you and make you happy. (Photography, nature, reading, etc.) Never fail to see how beautiful life is!

Never lose the excellence you continually strive to bring to the Lord in all that you do especially that you realized during your unemployed days that we ought to never give God "leftovers" in the ministry.

Never lose your fire and passion, even your intimacy with the Lord now that you are a working individual.

Never forget all the learning that being unemployed has bountifully given you.

Looking forward to having you read and learn from this,
-Your non-working self

Letters to a Once Broken Heart

I have been writing these past few months about so many things in my life except one thing - my love life. I wonder if you still call it "love life" even if there's not really life in it.

My silence meant that I was not ready to disclose the most fragile parts of me, the most painful part of my life this year. But I think that my long wait to "feeling super okay" before I write again about the matters of my heart is pointless.

This timely post by Jeff Goins is so moving that it made me decide to write again. I decided to write again to help myself and others heal.

I entitled this series of letters "Letters to a Once Broken Heart" because a broken heart does not remain broken unless the owner chooses to let it remain that way. And if I write to such, I fear they’d not find this helpful or even believable. I choose to write to once-broken-but-now-choosing-to-recover hearts.

Here's the first of the many letters I wish to write. The first one being entitled:

Moving on and on and on

Dear you,

You may think that no one can fully understand the way you feel, how deep your pain is and how badly you want to grieve and be miserable about it.
But a once-shattered-getting-whole-hearted-again person like me (I discourage you from calling yourself  "brokenhearted") can very well relate with what you feel and will be able to understand you whether you believe it or not.
Yes, these are times we want to lose control and search all outlets to heal our hearts, to give it pleasure, to make it forget.
Yes, our hearts still bleed at the remembrance or sight of the one who broke it.
Yes, what our mind, soul and body exactly want to do is to feel down and pity one’s self.
And over again, we find ourselves in this cycle of misery.
I’m well aware of this cycle- when we are led back to square one. That is- to continue holding on to pain and settle with being stuck there.

And when I say we’re back to square one, it means that we could have been doing good, our best even, during the previous days, weeks, months, or YEARS in enjoying our lives and moving forward, when suddenly, we come to a halt.

It does happen to us many times in our journey of moving forward. We’re back at that moment of bargain – stick with the pain or grieve at this halt and then get moving again.

At this point, I’m on a halt. I’m back to square one. No one says it’s easy, neither writing about this--- blood is still streaking down my chest.

But I write in hopes to tell you that you’re not alone.
I write in hopes of telling you that the key is not to stop. The halt is a pause to give yourself some time to grieve about what pains you but to give you as well the boost to get back up again.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a masochist. Neither am I an insensitive, unfeeling individual. I have feelings --- deeper than you think I have. I’m not telling you to sternly forget or banning you to deeply feel pain.

I’m telling you to move on and on and on and on and on. I call it that way because I realized that to move on is not a one time, big time step to healing. It’s a daily, an hourly, and a minutely choice we take over again.

And in this road to healing , pauses/halts are natural. They are welcome. They tell you that you’re human. They tell you that you’ve been hurt and that you acknowledge your feelings. But that’s why they’re called pauses- you cannot and must not dwell on them for long.

You pass by these “stop-overs” and get back to the road of getting your heart whole and well again. Because when you choose not to get going, you’re on your way to the road of misery.

Dear once-shattered-getting-whole-hearted-again person, don’t be stuck in these stop-overs, do move on and on and on and on.

P.S. The longer you choose to stay stuck, the farther you will be from reaching the end of healing’s road.

The work of His hands

Because of the LET Result, more people are now aware of my complete name: ANICETE, MARY ABEGAIL ANCANAN. Aside from that, the happiness I feel is now shared and known by many.

But before the long wait was over, I had a grander dream. I could imagine what incomparable joy I'd feel if I not only passed the LET but TOPPED it!

This was my dream. This was my heart's desire. This dream and the verse I held on for so long are posted near my study table to keep me motivated:

Even as I write this, these are still posted in my then "study room" 

God did not give me a specific answer whether He'll really let me top the LET or not but I was certain He always spoke of favor- His favor that He'll pour out in my life. For months, I struggled. I told God to let me let go of that desire if it was not His will. But the desire remained.

Last Monday, a friend of mine posted on my FB wall: "congrats biee <3" and then I asked her what it was for, and then she told me that I PASSED THE LET. My hands and arms were shaking as I checked it on the internet. I was so happy to see my name in the list and I jumped for joy around the house as I announced the good news to my family and to the people close to my heart. But shortly after the overwhelming feeling, it sank into me- I passed the LET but did not top it.

It wasn't a serious heart break. In fact, I was happy. But I had to admit that deep inside, I felt a little sad that I wasn't able to reach my goal.

When I spent time with the Lord the next morning, I told Him that I was sorry for not being grateful enough. I also asked Him: "Lord, have I not heard you all along? Have I not listened well? Why haven't I let go of that desire so I'd not feel disappointed now? What are you trying to teach me or tell me through this?"

The Lord reminded me a simple yet moving insight: I do not use Him to fulfill my own agenda. He uses me and leads me to fulfill His agenda in my life.

"You are my God. I am NOT. I'm so sorry for always trying to be lord of my life. Reinforce Your lordship in my life. Your way, not mine. Your will, not mine. I do not use You to fulfill my agenda, You are to use me and lead me for Your agenda in my life."

I was moved even more when I read His Word and He led me to Psalm 92.

Psalm 92: 1,4 

"It is good to give thanks to the Lord, to sing praises to Your name, O Most High; 

For You O Lord have made me glad, by Your work, at the work of Your hands I sing for joy.

To PASS the LET is God's beautiful will for my life- and the BEST plan that He has for me. It is God's work that I passed the LET and it is not by my own wisdom and might. I could have been one of the 51,036 examinees out of 77,803 who did not make it, but God didn't let that happen. I was among the 26,767 successful examinees who made it because of His favor! And as His agenda continues to unfold in my life-  I sing for joy at the work of His hands!

20 Facts About Me

I feel like the world is conspiring to make me write again. Or Ate Joan and Ate Allane are really the ones who conspired to make me write again. But either way, in response to the sisters-in-Christ I love (and miss) and for fear that my blog might rust any time now, here are the 20 facts about me which I managed to write out of my controlled spontaneity.

 

Bonus fact: I often look better in stolen shots.

 1. People used to spell my nickname in such a random way- Abi, Abbi, Abby, Aby, Avy, etc. But gladly, Facebook made it possible for the world to know my preferred spelling: ABBIE. The thing is, because of that, people get surprised when they discover that my real name is Mary Abegail Anicete. Yes, Abegail with an E in between b and g instead of the usual I. More often than not, people who would know the spelling of my complete name are my classmates or closest friends.

2. I don't like being called Mary and the reason is I just don't like being called Mary. I'll post more about my name in another blog that Ate Joan (again) tagged me with.

3. I'm a very reflective person and I am currently stuck at no. 3. I keep on thinking about what other facts I should include or not include here and how on earth I'd write them, the way I'd want them to be written. I carefully plan every little thing that I do including this.

4. People who know me associate me with the color blue. All shades of blue. They would know from the look of my eyes that I want something badly not because of its looks, peculiarity or brand--- but because it's color BLUE. I admit that there are times when I'll love a pink item more but crazily, I’ll set my mind that my favorite color is blue so I'll still stick with the blue one no matter what. Bravo for my self-imposed loyalty to blue!

5. My teeth are a complete set of sweet tooth. Ice cream, chocolates, candies and all sorts of sweets could be my everyday meals.

6. My stomach isn't satisfied with sweets alone. It also has a bad craving for sodas, fries, burger, pizza, and junk foods. Well, to appease your alarming super ego, I may want them every day but I don't eat them every single day. I have a very health-conscious mother who is capable enough to make me NOT eat or even dare think of them. Okay? Okay.

7. I like reading books but I have a slow reading pace. I'd try to read a book but until I reach that I-badly-wonder-what's-next-mood, I won't continuously read it. That's why it takes a long time for me to read books plus the fact that I am super reflective.

8. I am a teacher by heart and by profession. Though not by how I look. Uniform is the only thing that distinguishes me from my students. The statistics is 9 out of 10 people think I'm a High School student. That 1 person out of 10 thinks I'm from Elementary. Slow clap here please.

9. I like designing and doing different kinds of crafts. I can't draw based on my imagination but I can fairly imitate illustrations. These are ways I express my creativity aside from teaching and writing.

10. I keep a journal which is both my diary and devotional notebook. This is something you must not read unless I show some entries to you or this is something you can hardly read because of how I write. The flow of my thoughts is so fast that I scribble even faster just to keep up with it. Therefore, I often forget what legible and neat handwriting means.

11. I am craziest with the people I am closest to. I also am the most talkative and most spontaneous to them. They have heard the corniest jokes in the world from me.

12. I love children. I struggle hard not to squeeze the cheeks of a very cute child I come across with whom I barely know. The child I love the most is the cutest creature on earth for me- my nephew Jotjot.

13. I post a lot on Instagram which I don't post on Facebook.

14. I am the sweetest person that I know. If I were a man, I could've trained guys how to court a lady. I like surprising people and making them feel very special.

15. I’m a cry baby. I’ve always wanted to trade tear ducts with those who rarely cry because mine are over used.

16. The most dynamic thing about me is my hair. I have had a lot of hair styles in my entire lifetime because cutting my hair has always been one of my ways in dealing with stress.

17. I do more listening than speaking. I feel that God gave me this skill as a gift to the world especially to the people around me.

18. I rarely use an alarm. My body clock- which is mostly the fear of being late or the pressure of having a long to-do-list wakes me up just in time.

19. I was always a sleepy head. But these days, that characteristic seems to be a history about me.

20. I’m a morning person and I love to spend my time in the morning with the Lord. Indeed, the most important fact about me is this: I have God in my life and my desire is to bring myself and the people around me closer to Him.

He stays

There are moments when you could say nothing.
No words are brave or strong enough to come out of your mouth.
But He stays, to listen to whatever He could hear from your heart-- the beat and rhythm He has well-known.

There are moments when you want to speak to no one, not even pray.
But He stays, to accompany you in the silence you wish and to wait for you to want to speak to anyone-- to Him hopefully.

There are moments when so many things run through your mind, you can't even pinpoint what bothers you most. Neither could you pour them all out for comfort.
But He stays, to offer you help. Because He knows every bit of the multitude in your head. And He-- the master of gazillion thoughts, waits for you to let Him handle yours.

There are moments when you feel no one could love you, not even yourself.
But He stays, to tell you that nothing can make Him love you less. And to remind you that you are worth loving.

There are moments when you feel like the mess you've made are far more than the right things that you did.
But He stays, to offer forgiveness daily. He stays, waiting for you to return- to welcome you in wide open arms as you repent.

There are so many other moments that occur in our lives -bleak, happy, disappointing, victorious, sad, exciting, etc.

In all these moments, He stays. For leaving us is one thing He doesn't have any idea how to do, and He can never do.

The Sun of My Day

I woke up to a gloomy morning which looked more like night than day--- the sun setting than rising. This makes getting up- out of bed even more difficult than it already is.The glue on my body to the warmth and coziness of my blanket and pillows seem to have tripled its stickiness.

But then, when you manage to sit up on a day like this, open your Bible, seek His voice, and cry out to Him, the gloom of the morning disappears in His presence. Hope rises and the heavy feeling sets back.

The Son is the sun that lights up your face. The glue dries up and rays of sun seem to go with you wherever you go and in everything that you do.

There is no gloomy day to a heart, soul and mind that God's face has shone on.

What's Meant to Last

You are allowed to pause for a minute and let the tears come out.
Let them flow, streak down your cheeks.
Let your eyes turn red and your nose too.

You can drown the world with your tears
And for a moment grieve about what pains you,
what suddenly pierced you,
the wound that surfaced.
Let yourself bleed.

Bit by bit let the pain roll away from your eyes.
Let your heart cry out and throw away what keeps it hurting.

Drown the world with your grief for a moment,
But make sure it leaves inside of you.

For a moment, bleed
For a moment, hurt
For a moment, grieve
For a moment, be weak

You are allowed to.
You are welcome to do so.
But not for long.

Because these moments were meant to pass.
And healing is meant to last in your life.

Run Towards Intimacy with Him

                It has been 3 months and a couple of days now since I was declared a college graduate. It also has been more than 3 months now that I’m the official non-working, non-studying individual in our home. It only means that I have a lot of free time nowadays, even more abundant than the busy times that I had when I was a student (sounds like it has been a long time huh? XD). So in these ocean of free times, I made up my daily routine. Of course, first in my morning schedule is my devotion.

               

My mornings with the Lord are spent not inside a room but with nature. We have an unfinished roof top in the house wherein you could seemingly touch the floppy clouds, gaze at the blue or dark sky, and listen to the birds sing. There’s one covered hall we have there with a long, old, brown table inside it. I sit on top of it and there is where I sing out, cry out and write out my heart to God. That is my secret place where I could think of Him so deeply, stay so still and hear His voice so loudly and gaze at His beauty as reflected by His creation.

                Lately, there was something that was stopping me from going there--- a crow. The moment that I went up, a crow screeched so loud and attempted to dive down towards me. In my fear of being bitten by it, I hurriedly run downstairs and never went up again. I thought that it was God telling me to retreat and simply have my devotion on my bed.

                But the next day, the same crow was screeching and scaring me. The same scenario happened and there I was downstairs, near our front door, panting and thinking. God suddenly impressed on me that not even this should stop me from having my quality time with Him. So I made up my mind to run, run as fast as I could to get to my secret place and meet Him. So that was the very thing that I did. I ran through our roof top so fast to reach the spot for my devotion. I heard the crow screeching again but it didn’t get the chance to reach me.

               

When I reached my spot, I sat comfortably at the table and sighed. “How similar this is to our journey of pursuing intimacy with our God,” I thought. Many things (a zillion to number them in this generation) will hinder us from spending time with God. It could be the undefeated, most influential distractor such as the social media or it could be work, school or any particular sin or struggle. And whatever they are, in whatever form they may be, they have this one aim- to keep you away from spending time with God. And truth is, they more often succeed than not.

                The Lord showed me a simple principle from what I experienced this morning:

                Run… FROM the things that keep you away from God and run... TO Him to keep you away from these things.

                Remember: Running takes an extra effort. It’s having to sacrifice your usual comfortable walking for one that is more tiring and active. Running from these things that keep us away from God would mean a decision to change our actions and to sacrifice some things. Maybe it could mean having a social media fast, keeping your phone away from you, turning the tv off, waking up earlier or sleeping later than usual. The thing is, as John and Stasi Eldredge wrote in their book Captivating, “To pursue intimacy with Christ, you will have to fight for it.” As you run from these distractors, and run to Him daily to keep you away from these things, God’s grace and power will make it easier for you to abandon them.

                    What are the crows in your life stopping you from reaching your secret place?

                Whatever they are, remember to run FROM them, and run to God, towards intimacy with Him.

Nineteen, Twenty and Beyond

This time, I let the out pour take over my writing.

What does a lady who just turned 20 want to express?

On Gratitude

Perhaps I express gratitude to Facebook because even if we say that people who actually remember our birthdays without it are the sweetest,we can't deny the fact that people who take time to post on our timelines or send us messages because of a reminder that it's our birthday are also sweet. And of course, I am most thankful to all those people who did. <3

So why am I thanking Facebook again? Because it has made reaching out to each other so accessible to the point that one celebrant like me can be overwhelmed and touched by people's numerous greetings.


On a Normal day

Yesterday, I was in between happy and okay. I was not the happiest but neither was I the saddest. I spent my birthday with a normal day, with my normal routines. I have even forgotten to eat my breakfast and I ate Anne's best birthday cake in the world (with one or two Makis) as my lunch. I prepared for and actually executed a teaching demo in church last night and arrived home past 9 pm when everyone but me has eaten dinner. Wohoo! What a great birthday celebration! Haha!

But I arrived at home with the cute little boy greeting me the very moment I entered our house. And he actually blew my candle for me. I also had an unexpected "mini-handaan" with my family and I just didn't expect that.

About gifts

Material gifts? I received none. Not even one except the picture greetings which I received from my Sunday School family last Sunday. But I honestly did not seek for any. For greetings (since words of affirmation is my love language) were enough or more than enough and I can never feel even more content in the life that I have now.

In Looking Back

My 19th year has been a tough roller-coaster ride. I had numerous blissful-happiest and heart-breaking-shattering moments. There were days I was way up high on cloud nine, days when I felt like the most beautiful lady on Earth or the most loved creature in the entire universe. But there were even more times (longer, actually) when I felt lower than my lowest and uglier than whoever or whatever could be ugliest.

True. That's how it looks like when I look back. But the latter days of my 19th year when I crawl to get on with life and move along despite the circumstances are the days that brought me back to the life He has set out for me. Times at my lowest and my feelings of being the ugliest are ironically what lifted me and instilled again the beauty I seemed to have lost.

These days before I turn twenty are the highlights of His grace and steadfast love compelling me to move forward, even through one step a day, despite the current of yesterday pulling and weighing me down.

The Promise

Every detail of my 19 years of living, He has perfectly willed and planned. And yesterday morning when I talked to Him, he reminded me of how He is there, beyond my 20th year, and He has prepared a work for me, the man He has for me and more than ever a grandiose life plan I can never imagine for myself today.

I send you to sea

The photo I used here is from Tumblr. I don't know exactly how I could cite a copyright of it, but hey, I don't own it.

And this is my 2nd attempt in making my own kind of poem porn.

All Because of Him We Are More

I happen to have found the closing remarks I made for IV-HC's farewell party inserted in one of my journals.

They're obviously haphazardly written on pieces of scratch papers which I remember writing the morning before our program in a 7eleven store.

And because I miss my classmates, I am excited to blog again and I seek a better place for that piece, let me post it here.

My forever-favorite pioneer Honors Class picture

This closing remarks is lame.

It is competent

senseless

inadequate.

It is useless,

pointless

in every way.

You could think of fancier words from your English major vocabulary more than lame, incompetent, senseless, and inadequate.

But still, this remains useless, pointless in every way.

I could have started this off with the most inspiring congratulatory poem you haven't heard of, or the most moving farewell quotation I could write, but then

This

would still remain useless, pointless

in every single way.

Because how can a five-minute speech (or longer) bring you back to that moment when you entered the room and realized that you are part of the Honors' class and make you see how you fought and strove hard all those 3 years. And you, yes you. After all those 3 years, succeeded. Not just from a regular class nor from a random majorship. You have succeeded as a IV-HC English major.

Because how can a five-minute speech mark the ending of the 3 years we've spent as a a class, as students, actors, play producers, grammar nazis, OP writers, reporters, debaters, leaders, groupmates, workaholics, nocturnals, zombies, friends, brothers, sisters - the 3 years we spent as a family. How can this piece embody all those good and bad, happy and sad, exciting and dull - yet all beautiful memories that we shared?

Because how can a five-minute speech affirm how each and everyone of us has done more than our best, has performed more than what was expected of us and has lived up to our own exceptional standard of what an Honors class is.

Because how can this five-minute speech allow me to tell you fully how thankful I am to be part of this class, to be part of your lives.

Because how can this five-minute speech ever be enough to depict how brilliant and great God is to handpick 20 superb individuals, combine us in one class, get us through the thick and thin of college life, cut us out a little, push us a bit more, then lift us up and let us flourish in greatness in a way we never imagined we could.

This piece would never be enough.

Any piece would not be enough.

You gotta tap that person beside you,

because he/she

is never the lame

incompetent

senseless

inadequate

that this useless and pointless closing remarks can box in every single way.

Our memories are far more than what words could describe or relive.

Our achievements are far more than what honors could give.

We, Honors Class, are more.

And all because of Him, we are.

Some pairs don’t last

Let me have it back.

Let me have it back.

It’s already lost.

I still want to find it.

I still want to have it back in my bag.

You can get a new one.

I can’t accept a new one. I want that exact old one.

Exact one – just like that.

There’s that other pair that will stay.

I can’t accept a new one. I’d get that exact one back.

Let me have it back.

AN EXACT ONE- JUST LIKE THAT.

Hours ago, I handed her the light-green pair of earrings and the same face of delight was plastered on her face the moment she gave me mine. It was a lovely sight to have those blue earrings in my hands. I looked at them intently and it meant every bit of happy to have them with me. They’re a pair that I want to keep with me for good.

I arrived home and I was delighted to gaze at my earrings. I took one and stared at the blue stone and the gold intricate curves around it. I rummaged for the other one inside my bag. I removed all my things inside and turned it upside down. Then, I dropped on the floor with a heart break. I lost the other pair.

My being sentimental stirred the brokenness in me. Maybe some would not understand, or maybe others would. But my heart is still breaking for that other pair.

Let me have it back.

I still want to find it.

I still want to have it back in my bag.

AN EXACT ONE – JUST LIKE THAT.

I cannot just let go of this attachment in an instant.

Why does it have to be lost?

Why in such a short period of time did it disappear?

Why did it leave its pair alone in the bag?

My questions are endless; the space here could not contain all that I want to ask.

But then, I stopped searching.

I kept the piece of earring left with me and slept.

I awoke after a number of hours, and then I took the piece left with me again.

Still, my heart was breaking for its pair.

But I saw no point in finding a way to have it returned to me.

I saw no point in finding an exact one just like it.

I saw no point in not finding a new one.

I saw no point in looking for and keeping that other pair that didn’t want to stay.

Still, my heart is breaking for that other pair.

But I threw away the piece left with me.

Still, my heart is breaking for that other pair.

But I made my decision to get a new one.

There’s not a thing you left

There’s not a piece of my heart left to be broken

There’s not a piece of my mind left to be perplexed
There’s not a drop of tear left for me to shed

There’s not a tinge of pain left for me to feel

There’s not a sorrow left for me to know

There’s not a rejection left for me to accept

There’s not a betrayal left for me to discover

There’s not a nudge left for me to wait for

before I shatter into pieces

There’s not a single negativity you spared me from

And

There’s not an antidote left with you to heal me.

TO MY 19-YEAR-OLD SELF

TO MY 19-YEAR-OLD SELF

don't quit

life ahead of you is beautiful

don't quit

you've grown a beautiful woman

don't quit

you became stronger than you hoped

don't quit

your career is at its best

don't quit

your dreams are coming true

don't quit

your family is happy and content

don't quit

you have been a blessing to many

don't quit

your life is significantly lived

don't quit

your heart is whole and well

don't quit

things couldn't have happened otherwise

your 25-year-old self would not be this beautiful if you quit now.

The Love that chooses us

The Love that we choose to forget
                                           remembers
The Love that we choose to reject
                                           accepts
The Love that we choose to move away from
                                           draws near
The Love that we choose to push away
                                            insists
The Love that we choose to give up
                                           perseveres
The Love that we choose to hurt
                                            forgives
The Love that we choose to curse
                                            blesses
The Love that we choose to disown
                                           pursues us
The Love that we choose to stop
                                           continues
The Love that we choose to break
                                           grows
The Love that we choose to cheat
                                            remains faithful
The Love that we choose to depreciate
                                            values
The Love that we choose to hate
                                           understands
The Love that we choose to abandon
                                           stays

This First Love that so many choose to lose is our true gain.
This Love, His love, that we may choose not to choose, steadfastly chooses us.

Tears stopped and she wrote

Maybe somewhere in a left or right ventricle that bleeds, blood turns into water and finds its way out through the eyes.

These drops happen to be called tears.

Some think they're called tears because they can tear people apart. But tears are supposed to tear the sorrow, anger, and hurt from the big chunks that they are into smaller pieces to let blood circulate freely again in the heart without obstructions.

The eyes that shed the most tears are, of course, the most swollen. (after severe crying)

But aside from that obvious fact, those eyes are paired with hearts that feel the most,  deeply and wholly.

Crying is the language of the hurt, confused, broken, betrayed, and grieving.
They express more than words could do for them when they weep, mourn, and sob.

To some, crying is a weakness, an immaturity, a lack of of rationality.
        They are the insensitive race.
To some, crying is the only resort, a habit, an entire day's toil.
        They are the long-born infants.

To me, the true brave and strong cry.
       
To them, crying is a seasonal or the last blow of pain,
and the first step to being brave and strong.