He stays

There are moments when you could say nothing.
No words are brave or strong enough to come out of your mouth.
But He stays, to listen to whatever He could hear from your heart-- the beat and rhythm He has well-known.

There are moments when you want to speak to no one, not even pray.
But He stays, to accompany you in the silence you wish and to wait for you to want to speak to anyone-- to Him hopefully.

There are moments when so many things run through your mind, you can't even pinpoint what bothers you most. Neither could you pour them all out for comfort.
But He stays, to offer you help. Because He knows every bit of the multitude in your head. And He-- the master of gazillion thoughts, waits for you to let Him handle yours.

There are moments when you feel no one could love you, not even yourself.
But He stays, to tell you that nothing can make Him love you less. And to remind you that you are worth loving.

There are moments when you feel like the mess you've made are far more than the right things that you did.
But He stays, to offer forgiveness daily. He stays, waiting for you to return- to welcome you in wide open arms as you repent.

There are so many other moments that occur in our lives -bleak, happy, disappointing, victorious, sad, exciting, etc.

In all these moments, He stays. For leaving us is one thing He doesn't have any idea how to do, and He can never do.

What's Meant to Last

You are allowed to pause for a minute and let the tears come out.
Let them flow, streak down your cheeks.
Let your eyes turn red and your nose too.

You can drown the world with your tears
And for a moment grieve about what pains you,
what suddenly pierced you,
the wound that surfaced.
Let yourself bleed.

Bit by bit let the pain roll away from your eyes.
Let your heart cry out and throw away what keeps it hurting.

Drown the world with your grief for a moment,
But make sure it leaves inside of you.

For a moment, bleed
For a moment, hurt
For a moment, grieve
For a moment, be weak

You are allowed to.
You are welcome to do so.
But not for long.

Because these moments were meant to pass.
And healing is meant to last in your life.

Tears stopped and she wrote

Maybe somewhere in a left or right ventricle that bleeds, blood turns into water and finds its way out through the eyes.

These drops happen to be called tears.

Some think they're called tears because they can tear people apart. But tears are supposed to tear the sorrow, anger, and hurt from the big chunks that they are into smaller pieces to let blood circulate freely again in the heart without obstructions.

The eyes that shed the most tears are, of course, the most swollen. (after severe crying)

But aside from that obvious fact, those eyes are paired with hearts that feel the most,  deeply and wholly.

Crying is the language of the hurt, confused, broken, betrayed, and grieving.
They express more than words could do for them when they weep, mourn, and sob.

To some, crying is a weakness, an immaturity, a lack of of rationality.
        They are the insensitive race.
To some, crying is the only resort, a habit, an entire day's toil.
        They are the long-born infants.

To me, the true brave and strong cry.
       
To them, crying is a seasonal or the last blow of pain,
and the first step to being brave and strong.

Apologies

December 27, 2011

Tuesday

Apologies

My apologies to:

the notebook I left unnoticed, unopened, and useless

my thoughts wasted, unpublished and left raw

my blog site left unvisited, inactive

my heart left recklessly overloaded with feelings I wasn't able to put into writing

to insights/ learning that I wasn't’t able to take account of

to experiences not recorded and memories not preserved in paper

to the heart that ached for its cry to write was not heeded

to the right hand withheld from what its been itching to do

to my mind, body, overdosed with sleeping, watching movies, eating and sloth

to my God for having to deal with my unfaithfulness and forgetfulness of Him

 

But most of all my apologies

To self

For wanting to be perfect, for wanting everything to be right, for being too hard on myself, for struggling to forgive you and for not realizing these things that I gave my apologies about our things we normally commit mistakes and err upon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To XY Chromosomal Creatures

December 6,2011

It isn’t Valentine’s day nor Hearts day. The supposed to be celebrated season is the fast-approaching Christmas time. But I found myself looking at a pink rose, and a mysterious letter.

The pink rose came from an identified XY Chromosomal Creature (he had his name on it) and the mysterious letter was found void. It was no serious business of an aspiring Romeo, rather, it was but a joke.

 

I did not write to rant about not receiving a blue rose. (In fact, I secretly hoped I just did not because I felt everyone’s eyes on me when I was walking along the streets holding it) And I would not even express my disappointment about the people who were about to make me believe a mysterious person found time writing me a letter.

 

I would like to voice out what many other XX Chromosomal Creatures might be dying to express. Some words I’ve been repressing to blog about these past few days and weeks that had passed.

To XY Chromosomal Creatures,

Unlikely gift. Looking past the outward appearance is a very rare, unlikely gift you can possess. Admiring a lady for her mere beauty, is  but the lowest standard you can have.

Girls are to be admired because of their hearts not because of their FACES.

It is extremely disappointing when we saw each other for the first time and before I knew it you like me.

I have learned this the hard way- texting is NOT the way to a girl’s heart. Neither it is the way for friendship. For superficial interaction it is.

The real gauge of courage is how brave you are to talk to her personally.

INSTANT text messaging or messages through social networks are also the fastest way to prove your cowardice and spoil every bit of sincerity.

You have all the right to court girls when you have the money to treat her and buy her gifts from YOUR OWN salary. Don’t go robbing your parents’ wallets.

There is a great distinction between toys and girls. Just because you no longer play with the former doesn’t give you the license to play with the latter.

You protect us best when you keep your mouth shut about how you feel. Don’t act as if  Shakespeare has reincarnated himself in you.

If you’re lost in thoughts, thinking if you’re in love or what, I tell you, you are NOT, it’s just a sign that you have done nothing lately except for daydreaming.  

High school, college, including grade school boys, NOW is just not the time to pursue and win a girl’s heart – the fragile of most fragile organs.

I might have been so rough on this and I might have even spoke of  entirely my own ideals. If in some ways I have offended you,  please do pardon me.

But I know you also have lessons to give us girls. (Probably some of which I’ve stated above are also meant for us) So you can get even with us with all due righteousness.

                                    Guys, boys, men, XY Chromosomal Creatures, or however you want to be called, now is just NOT THE TIME.

“… that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.” Song of Songs 2:7

The hurly-burly of life

   Hurly-burly? What does it mean? You might ask.

            Don’t worry; I’ve never known that word ‘till I started reading Carlos Bulosan’s “America is in the Heart”.

            “Why that book?” You may ask again.

            I have several books lined up to be read but this one’s for a requirement in a major subject- so no matter how bad I want to read other books, I have no choice but to stick with it. But at least, I think the book interests me as much as it makes my brain think hard. (History, you know)

            So somewhere on the third page of the book’s introduction lies this word “Hurly-burly”. My able dictionary defines it as “confusion”.

            Thus, the title of my “come-back” blog is somehow like “The confusion of life”.

 

            My “unblogged” days were somewhat mixtures of uncertain situations in a seemingly unknown zone God has brought me in.

           

            “In the span of days, weeks that have passed, things to me seemed dark, unclear and timeless. There was no definite enlightenment to where I was heading to. Everything seemed drowned in darkness and obscurity. I was racing through a tunnel in which the end was so far… I could not possibly reach. Was even the end --- light? Is this triumph even existent or the tunnel would go on… and on?

            I could have posed only question mark symbols or spirals of infinite mystery – for that was the only thing clear to me in my recent journey - - - - confusion.” – I quote from one of my journal entries. (Oh how emo the human heart, my human heart can be!)

 

            But epiphany was still there…

            “Now the tunnel is reaching its end. Rejoice! I am seeing light.”

           

            And I do believe now and even more that not a thing shall last confusing in the Christian life. Things will soon make sense, God will reveal why such things happen, in His time.

 

            So that was one of the reasons for my absence in blogging aside from my lack of time and access to the Internet.

            Back to the book-reading I have mentioned since the start of my entry, these are actually days when there are few………………………………………….. hours to sleep and relax. Before we could enjoy the Semester break, we have to endure the harrowing requirements asked of the 1^st Semester. Busy is spelled E-V-E-R-Y-D-A-Y.

            I will never forget that certain day in class last week when we’ve listed all that we had to do (by date) on the board and Whoa! It was overwhelming! I doubt if there will be a time to breathe these coming weeks.

 

            “Hurly-burly” isn’t far in these situations in life.

            “What will I do first? Is it this, that, or WHAT?”

           

            But then, as a class, we did nothing but prayer after planning our tasks.

            We’ll be so busy it will be impossible for us not to pray. (From the words of Abraham Lincoln)

            And so as individuals – I know no better remedy but prayer.

 

            God told me four things these days:

(1)   One step at a time

(2)   Enjoy working

(3)   Do not do things to simply “get things done”, learn from work!

(4)   Let ME join you in your work and Trust in ME completely

 

 

-Studies as a means to glorify Him not Him as a means to excel in studies-

 

Amidst this hurly-burly of life, may it be in our personal life, in school or in whatever aspect, it will be safest and most exciting if the journey is with, for and because of Him. Thank your incredible God. He is not too busy that He does not have time to help you and me!

 

            *Pardon the scattered -brained writer. This is the effect of not being able to write for a month, oh nearly a month! Tsk. J

God at Work

“Keeping my right hand from writing an account of the learning gems I’ve sought in my blessed days (which is supposed to be everyday) is like a headache. I could not just be unmindful about it.

Attempts to go on with other business would endure for days, weeks, but for months --- I’d barely call myself living. I’d be a puff of existence with an unresolved headache making myself more meaningless and insignificant.  It (writing) has always been the missing piece in the bigger picture of my life. I could go on like the whole picture is almost at its best- complete, but that small detail lost, I cannot possibly let go.”

So I write again. Well, I write lectures, assignments, to-do-lists, journal, blabber, and doodles but it’s again a long time since I wrote something special-------that can be preserved in my blog.

As I reflect on the above outpour of my heart, I see that I’m being too hard on myself. Not being able to write would mean disappointment. How can such be a strengthening passion if it also becomes my often source of frustration? *to be answered*

Things in the past can’t be undone.

I got to keep that in mind. If I wasn’t able to write about noteworthy events/experiences that had passed I can keep track with the new.

Ironically, I’ll write about --- this previous week. Hehe.

I’ve been on vacation for three days, 2 days (Monday, Tuesday) were intentional absences due to my emotional sickness, and Wednesday was God’s bonus (the rest I was hoping for but I wasn’t patient enough to wait). 

I was thinking I missed home and I needed rest. Plus, the pressure and negative emotions were blazing inside of me and I wasn’t able to deal with them properly. So that’s what I mean with my emotional sickness.

The bonus in these two days is that I had a very sweet time with my Lord and I had spent real quality time with Him.

Teeming realizations flood my journal- but I pick out the best two:

(1) Life without pressure is boring- not the life I would like to live and (2) The Lord is working hard to change me.

(1)- I missed studying, being busy, reading, having my mind stimulated by the professors’ questions and by our lessons. I can’t imagine my life now without studying!

(2)- I’ve opened my previous journal and I have seen the very same emotional struggles I had in the last weeks of July 2010 (freshmen). God is pruning me. It is my response to it that will either make or break me. Last year was mistake --- now, I need to respond positively.

I’m just in awe of Him this previous week. He is working wonders in my life. I am thrilled and challenged in the changes God desires for me. He is indeed at work! He sharpens my mind and strengthens my heart. :)

 

 

Like Another Sundae

Bad Craving: The feeling of wanting to eat again, right after eating.

This was my recent status, and my recent dilemma. It was attacking me especially last night.

 

I’ve gained a “Mami and  a Sisther” at school and they’re both God-given Christian friends.

Last night, Mami treated me and sisther a McDonald’s Vanilla Sundae.

After eating, we went book-hunting at Book Sale.

Me: Sisther, this is bad.

Sisther:  |looks puzzled|  Why?

Me: I want another ice cream.  :(

*Sisther and I giggles*

Me: Mami, I have to tell you something. This is bad mami. 

Mami:  |looks curiously| What is it?

Me: I want another ice cream. :(

*Mami laughs * and holds me in my arms just so I would not escape and buy another ice cream.

It looks like a kid’s stuff but this crazy childishness makes up a blissful, stress-free day.

My theorem about this BAD Craving is:

If x = constant thinking and y = constant hunger,

Then x=y. 

But kidding aside, the deeper insight God gave me was:

Love, courtship, boyfriend, girlfriend relationships NOW for the youth is LIKE ANOTHER SUNDAE. It is a want, a craving desire we have but we can live without. I was becoming more aware that I am not alone in the longing that I feel. Friends would share with me their struggles about “waiting for the right time” and I observe it among groups of college and high school students all over Manila. The thing is, these desires will always exist. It is an inevitable part of human nature: that longing to be loved and appreciated.  But as I see it, it is the desire that feels so good but can be set aside and denied every time it suddenly intrudes you. It won’t kill you if you won’t have another Sundae now.

*Until your soul, your hunger for love and security and longing are satisfied by God alone, will you be ready to commit in a God-centered relationship. Right now, I realized that I ought to be focusing my energies today in becoming a great daughter of God and teacher in the future. Becoming my Adam’s noble Eve is my least priority. 

You and I do not belong to such

         On account of loneliness, sadness, pain, feelings of rejection, disappointment or any other forms of being in low spirit and downcast - I always try to keep my mouth shut. Though it is easy for the whole world to know how sad I feel by simply typing an emoticon - =( on my status on facebook - I try my best to refrain to do so.

     Several months ago or probably during the previous years, I was not used to balancing how I feel. I was a severe 98% melancholic (from my high school temperament test). One who broods for hours and through the whole day about every minute detail in the world, possessing a high tendency to frustration and every time attacked by feelings of gloom. Calling me "emo" back then would best describe it. Mind you, I didn't use eyeliner or tried to kill myself in any literal way possible, but I did feel the too emotional way they felt.

       I desired to disattach myself from these dark moods and not to pamper my emotions. A lion-hearted girl - I so hoped.
    
       But with the days, weeks and months that have passed - loneliness still arose, disappointment came and pain I became afflicted with. It occurred to me that they're all the things that make me human, they're all the things that make life - life - imperfect in this fallen world. The only change that took place was how I dealt with these emotions in sound wisdom, His wisdom.

            My own wisdom would tell me to embrace sadness, wallow in despair and let all the bad feelings paralyze me and make me immobile for my responsibilities.
           
            When I seek God's wisdom for these emotions - He enables me to think, not merely feel, to see the truth in His perspective and not be blinded by what my heart is telling me.

            At the very time I feel sad, hurt and down, God by His grace reminds me to pause for a while and reflect.

            "What is God trying to tell me through these feelings? What promise does He want me to hold on? How can even this sadness be transformed to His glory? How can I be of help to others who are experiencing or will experience the same pain and hurt feelings?

             It brings great comfort when God trains your to declare:
             "Never alone. My peace and joy = Jesus ;)"
             When you felt alone, doubtful and in gloom for a while.
             or "YOU'RE my sunshine in the rain and my breeze of fresh air in the melting heat."
             When you felt disturbed by the weather recently.

           On the other hand, being a work on process tells us we're not okay all the time. Sometimes, we slip off God's arms and run to our own waywardness.

               Perfect not [in gloom I am]

Chaff blown by the wind
Tossed and sways with the breeze
Falling leaves, dying trees
Aches to man have pinned

Thine longing hermit heart
Wandering, blank mind
Torn flesh thou can find
Seizing pull of the past

Pictures drawn on sea
Relives engraved on stone
Poorly poetic me
What fool I've shown

Hopes to be mystic
When the obvious hovers
Grief, cease and be over
Die, ye not chronic

              The above shows how we can choose to embrace sadness, hopelessness and a feeling of death within.

               God recently corrected me when he made me realize how I love to be owned by these negative emotions. I let them captivate me.

                The song on our Sunday Service was something like this:
                "I belong to You (Jesus)"

                 Yes, I belong to Jesus, He is my Lord and everything I feel belongs under His authority, not mine.

                  These feelings don't belong to me and neither do I belong to them.

                  God has rightful ownership to everything I am, everything I have within and therefore every emotion that I have.

                  To Jesus - I ought to give them all.

                   Simply put, the insight God gave me about my emotional struggles is this:

                  These "loneliness, sadness, pain, feelings of rejection, disappointment or any other forms of being in low spirit and downcast-" You and I do not belong to such.